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Hi friends. That’s me cheesing real hard in the photo above. This photo was taken by a random guy at my favorite local park. I didn’t know him, however we were parked next to each other and he asked me through the drivers side of his window if id be down to take a couple of photos and naturally, me trying to constantly keep life fun and interesting I said “sure!”. Photography is his passion, but he specifically loved taking photos of people. Just a simple human to human interaction and admiration to life.
I’m going to be twenty-four years old in a couple of months. I’m a curious cat by nature. Life has been confusing, though in between the confusion I try to find some understanding.
Similar to the photographer who takes photos of people on a whim, I like also enjoy people... mostly on the surface. I like meeting people, and I like initiating specific personality to every individual. I love the way people react, whether it’s at my job and someone orders a -Hazelnut Coconutmilk Mocha Macchiato and I jokingly tell them that I can only deliver this order to them if they can say it five times real fast! When they can’t even say that mouth full of an order once, it makes for good simple laughs. Or when Im having a serious conversation with random hipsters about global warming or god and I see their reaction when I tell them global warming is fake and dinosaurs didn’t exist because they weren’t in the Bible with all seriousness. Of course global warming exists. Maybe not dinosaurs though... kidding. Luckily earth is alive and it always naturally repairs itself. That’s fact.
Through my rough times and dark times in this life, when I feel there is not a thing to me, and I feel empty, I try to believe that - like planet earth we will eventually repair ourselves too with enough time. I’m a fan of Anthony Bourdain, who has recently killed himself. This made me feel terribly sad. A man who made massive amounts of connections with human beings through the most simple, essential and soul fulfilling part of life - through food. He travelled more than most people could ever in a life time. He had an appreciation towards life to a certain extent, but depression is rough and dark, it’s a black hole powered by sickening thoughts and it’s hard to get out of.
I’ve come across a lot of people, most of which have always been a pleasure to meet. I never seem to have terrible interactions with people, but in my twenties I find that I’m learning more about how to strongly navigate myself in this world, yet on the contrary I am still slightly confused on how to navigate myself in this world.
I’ve spent over a year and a half being committed to a person who was in a relationship and believing that she wanted me. This is partially my own fault. I regret this part of my life a lot. I was a void filler, and it makes me feel significantly sick when I think of it, which I try to stray away from the thoughts of that as much as I possibly can but my mind obsesses about it, trying to find understanding and answers to it. I have the understanding and answers to it, but my mind doesn’t seem to drop it. I was demeaned at the end of it all, and made to feel like I wasn’t anything. I know I am something, but sometimes I feel less.
I’m a human being who means what they say and I say what I mean. I always have, but people will use you and say false things to you because being alone is significantly terrifying to some. I never navigated myself in this world by using an individual because I didn’t want to be alone. I never had an x,y and z lined up Incase the relation I was in- wasn’t going to work out. I always wanted to do the right thing by people, but I’ve wronged myself. I learned the harshness of the world and the negatives of being selfless. I’ve grown a bit colder, and my concerns have shifted. I often wonder is there any true significance in anyone? Or is everyone just the same? Is that internal feeling you get in your chest when you feel feelings for someone absolutely just a false thing in life? I’m going to say, as far as I now know, yes, that feeling is false.
I recently just entered into my first real relationship, and it’s with a guy. This was a big surprise to me, I met him at my second favorite local park, we’ve been seeing each other now for two months, and nobody has ever respected me like he does. It has made me both happy and sad.
I still have a rough time forgiving myself for putting myself through all the self sabotage and I’m trying to heal by taking on healthier mentalities. Keep moving it forward. Letting people go, and learning not to feel so bad about kicking people out of my life who never belonged, because even though it feels wrong, it’s not necessarily wrong.
At 24, nobody is going to recognize your pain or your tears but they will see your mistakes, so tell them to take a fucking hike. The most important person in your world is you, try and smile as much as possible and keep sharing your gift of life to the people who matter the most as much as you can.