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Dying from a Broken Heart

Is living without what makes you feel alive a life?

2019

It is with the heaviest of heart that I write this, and this is very real and it is all of who I am.

Hollywood has shown us that we need to love without regard and without judgment. We are supposed to love someone with everything that we are and have, and subsequently expect to be loved in return. Whether or not you believe this is not the argument, and this is not a piece about debate but one of remorse. The first time that I laid eyes on her was in a small Sunday school room on the second floor of an old theater church in Papillion. We were all of about eight years old, and the first time I was allowed to speak to her, even at that very young age, I felt something deep within me change, forever. Over the next few school years we grew closer and closer. I always knew that I would marry her, and I always knew that I would never love anyone else in my time. We began dating when we were of the approved age, and that was probably one of the most exciting times in our relationship. We soaked in each other's presence and never wanted to let the other one leave our sights. When one of us was sick, we would talk on the phone or write the other one a letter. Not a letter that was full of 'I miss you's' (although those were certainly present), but full of "I can't wait to see you again"s. Our love was something that I believed was special, and compared to the other couples, I knew that it was deeper.

As we progressed through high school, we decided to do at least one semester in a Bible college that our parents wished us to go to. At the time we did not determine to only attend one semester, but the summer of our return I proposed to her. We went to Kansas City and I had the ring burning a hole in my pocket for several hours. I did not plan the perfect spot, but as Karma would have it, we did find it. I remember it well. We were walking along this small river in the city next to some apartments buildings. The sky was clear and the sun was shining brightly off the surface of the water. We found ourselves under a bridge where I lifted her up onto a ledge where she would be looking down into my eyes. Then and there I said the words that will never be lost to misfortune or time, "Will you marry me?" I kept the words simple but the meaning was anything but cliche. The reason I lifted her up was a symbol that I would always put her heart before my own, and would always place my body and soul in the line of fire for her.

As sweet as all this sounds, after 12 years of being married, I received divorce papers in the mail this month. Where did I go so wrong? There were some bad times throughout those 12 years for sure, but were they that bad that she could no longer love the person or look past the person and see the soul? We have been separated for several years, but every second of every day was plagued with the thought and the hope that my phone would ring and she would need me again. Need me again like the times when we were young and I was the only person that truly understood her and loved her no matter what. Now, I feel like the very sky of my heart is being torn in two separate directions with the violence of a thunderclap. All I must do now is sign my name, and it will all be over. All the love, the good times, the memories, and the potential future, all gone. No amount of mental preparation could have solidified my heart enough for this, and it feels like I am dying. I loved this woman with every part of every part of my heart. No, that is not a typo. Science has shown us that this world is much smaller than we ever knew, and no matter how small our anatomy grows, I would have loved her with the smallest, most, microscopic pieces. I no longer know what to do with how I feel, and I feel like there is no one else that has felt a pain such as this.

Of course, I know that this is a feeling that is born in pure selfishness. Others have fallen in and out of love. Some have been very much in love and tragedy has stricken and they were forced apart. I was simply, weak, and could no longer give her what she believed that she needed to be happy. I will never feel this way about another person again, or so my heart tells me. My mind tells me that I may find another to love within this lifetime, but I am fearful that there will not be anything left for that person to love when the time arrives. I am sad. I am angry. I am confused. I am torn apart by the fact that I cannot go into my past and slap the shit out of myself and tell myself to grow up, and grow up quickly. I lost the only person that I ever cared for on a level that it outside of my blood family. There are certain things about me that no one will understand and there are beliefs that I have that I keep to myself. I will tell you that the night that she slept with another person, I felt like my heart was literally breaking. The event happened 3,000 miles away and we were not speaking at the time.

So I can either let this bury me, and I would very much like to just end it all, but I believe that this pain is something that I have paid enough attention to. Just like a shower that is too hot but will never burn you, this pain is a cleansing. I need to swallow it in, digest it, and make it a part of me. I honestly have no clue how to face everyday I wake up, but I continue to do it. This pain will always be a part of me as parts of my heart will always belong to her. There will always be a small voice in my mind that whispers of an eventual return. I know that it will never be the case and I am lying to myself. The reason that I am writing my story here in this very public forum is to release these feelings once and for all. I no longer wish to hold onto the one thing I thought I would carry with me to my grave. I believe that I am only preventing myself from becoming whatever I am meant to be and from learning the lessons that I need to in order to become that person. With the saddest and heaviest of hearts, I bid you farewell, my love. I hope that you have the life that you have always wanted. I will, forever, miss the way you laugh. I will miss the moments that we made together that only we know about. The times when we had nothing but each other to warm our hearts and how we made it through those times. You have taught me to love myself, and you have given me more than I could ever thank you for. I hope and pray that your life is full of happiness and you attain all that you seek. A part of me will always wonder what we would have become has we made it through, but I know that will only prevent me from moving on. Although I do not wish to move on, I must. I love will all my heart and I always will. I only have one regret in this world, and that is that I could not be the man that you needed. I let you down, and that is something that I must live with for the rest of my life. Good bye, my love.

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