Eclipse of the Heart

It took me 21 years to get my first boyfriend. Boy, was it blissful. I was the happiest I had ever been, but not for long. On the eve of my college graduation, something told me to pick up his phone and unlock it. I fought the urges for a few minutes. Next thing I know, I was in the message thread between him and his girl best friend.

The conversation was shady. There was an admission of deceit. There were snarky comments about me, that were not met with defense in my favor. I was enraged. I was hurt. I woke him up to talk about it as I finished making the skirt for my graduation the next morning. The conversation was going nowhere. I had already decided he would not be in attendance for one of the biggest days of my life.

It has been a month and 15 days since I broke up with him. I was angry and hurt, but in hindsight, I am still confused at where things went wrong. When did he begin to think it was in my best interest to lie to me? Why did his girl best friend encourage the deceit? Why in the hell did he think that was sound advice? I’ve been trying to move on, but part of me wants answers from him. I want to know why he lied. I want to know why he gave up on us. I want to know why when I asked him why we were together, he gave me a blank stare after five months of saying he’d do anything to keep us together. I have forgiven him because I do not like to hold anger in my heart. I want to reach out to him, but I know he will consult his “best friend” and she will most likely advise against him responding. So I tuck the urges away. I don’t want her to have the satisfaction of knowing how I felt second to her and that she will always have him. Though she probably already knows this, as she was a third party in the relationship.

Do I miss him? Do I miss being with him? Or do I just miss being in a relationship? Feeling as though I was floating on cloud nine. Feeling as though I’d found my life partner. All that was shattered and I can’t help but blame myself for picking up his phone. Part of me wanted to go back in time and undo it all to avoid the depressive state I fell into. But that would not have been fair to me. He knew how I felt about the situation, yet he lied to me anyway... “to protect me.” We’d talked about this over and over and he’d told me he understood me. The messages on his phone said otherwise.

I’m going through an eclipse of my heart because my love can shine bright but there is darkness trying to shield my love’s light from shining. Do I reach out to get answers I want? Do I want them or are they necessary for me to move on? Or do I simply just need to wait for the moon to pass by?