So much has happened. So many hours have gone by.
So many laughs have been had between us, so many tears shed. We have grown closer. I am closer to you than I have been with anyone else. There have been times when I have almost given up. On us. On me. On everything I've worked for and striven for my whole life. And there have been times when I've felt I have finally made it. I have finally found all I am meant to find in another person, and I never need to worry about being alone again. I have finally won.
Months have gone by now, since the beginning. So many afternoons I have spent, daydreaming about you. So many nights, sitting up with you, laughing and talking and sharing our souls. Many nights, too, spent alone. Wondering where you are and what you are doing. Wondering how I can bear this loneliness any longer. Wondering if I'll finally break. If somehow this pain will let up, or if I will have to carry on with this weight on my shoulders.
My feelings for you have evolved so much. I've fallen in love with you. I've had my heart broken by you. I've tried to exorcise you from my heart and my mind and my soul and my entire life. But I can't. You keep coming back. Or maybe I keep coming back. I don't really know anymore.
Things have gotten so hard. Everything has changed. Nothing in my life is the same as it was that first night. Nothing at all. Nothing about me is the same. I do not even slightly resemble the person I was. I never will resemble that person again. Partially, because of you.
Sometimes—actually, a lot of the time—I want to run. I think this is all not worth it anymore. I can't take the pain. I can't take your rejection. Your disinterest. Even if it is a feigned disinterest. Even if you do love me, the way you say you do. Even if you don't want me to leave. Even if you want to be with me. It hurts me. Can't you see? The way we are hurts me. I don't want to be hidden away anymore. I don't want to be someone's secret. I don't care how my family or your friends or anyone else would react. I don't give a shit about them. I want you. I care about you. I love you.
I want to throw you birthday parties. I want to go out to nice dinners with you. I want to kiss you in front of everyone we know. I want to climb to the top of the highest building I can find, and yell to the whole world that I'm in love with you. Because I am. I love you that much. I want everyone to know.
I want our private moments, too. I want to sit with you late at night, and I want you to tell me about the house you grew up in. I want you to tell me why your friend upset you today. I want you to tell me all the reasons you're worried about work tomorrow. I want you to tell me about how you almost went to the Junior Olympics but your father wouldn't let you because you had a math test, and how that still bothers you to this day. I want you to tell me all of it. Tell me all the things you'll never tell anyone else. And I'll tell you all of my secrets, too.
Play me your favorite song. Make me watch your favorite movie again. Make me do everything on Earth with you.
All I want is you. We could be so happy together, I know it. We get along so well. Our dynamic is making me lose my mind, that's all. Just tell me you're mine. Tell me you'll always be mine. And I'll be free.
I don't think you will. I don't think those words will ever leave your lips. At least not for me.
So I want to go. I want to find someone who will say those things for me. Or have no one at all. I don't know what I want anymore. You've messed up my mind so much that it's almost as if I don't know which way is up. I hardly know who I am at this point.
Sometimes, I feel like I could do it. Like today. I felt like I could move on easily. I could have been back to myself. I no longer needed you. My soul didn't depend on you the way it did back then. I could be my own person. I could be myself. But then, the song that played that afternoon came on. The song that played the afternoon before you first tried to kiss me. The afternoon when I finally felt like everything had fallen into place. Everything was perfect. At last. The afternoon before the night when everything fell apart.
And now that I have heard that song again, everything is a mess. How long? How long will this pain go on? How long before I can be at peace again?
About the Creator
C.G. Remmet
I like music, mean jokes, and a variety of gas station snacks.
Painfully honest about the messes I get myself into.
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I Won’t Be Eaten by the Monster of Love (Again…)
I've made up my mind on the matter. I've had just about enough of this nonsense. Years and years I spent anxiously awaiting its arrival. For hours, I would daydream about "the one"... the one that would finally come along and steal my heart away. He would have kind eyes, a nice smile, and would take my breath away. I never imagined grand gestures or flowers or an astounding wedding. What I fantasized about was a person that understood me like no one else. Someone I could confide in, and who felt they could confide in me. Someone I could always count on, someone that would be there through thick and thin. Someone who loved all of me. The insecure, the broken, the weak, the scared... they saw it all, and they dove in head first. Of course, I would reciprocate all of this. That was the love that I couldn't wait for. But, somehow, I left out any trace of heartbreak.
By C.G. Remmet6 years ago in Humans
"Directing Light: The Effect of a Sort Stranger"
In the clamoring city of New York, where the roads murmur with the mood of life and the high rises go after the sky, I had the joy of experiencing a genuinely striking individual — an unrecognized yet truly great individual whose benevolence and liberality made a permanent imprint on my heart. It was a boiling summer day, and I ended up lost in the twisted labyrinth of tram burrows, my mind whirling with disarray and disappointment. As I remained on the stage, gripping my guide and attempting to get a handle on the tangled trap of train lines, a voice got through the turmoil. "Is it safe to say that you are lost, old buddy?" I went to see a man remaining close to me, his face endured with age yet his eyes sparkling with warmth and empathy. He presented himself as Sam, and at that time, I realize that I had experienced somebody extraordinary. With a delicate grin, Sam proposed to assist me with exploring the tram framework, directing me through the labyrinth of passages and stages easily. He shared accounts of his own undertakings in the city, offering useful tidbits and support en route. However, it wasn't simply Sam's information on the tram framework that intrigued me — it was his steadfast consideration and liberality of soul. In spite of the intense intensity and the hurrying around of the city, he got some margin to help an outsider out of luck, without anticipating anything consequently. As we rose up out of the tram burrows and ventured out into the brilliant daylight, I couldn't resist the opportunity to feel a feeling of appreciation wash over me. Sam had not just assisted me with tracking down my direction through the city — he had reestablished my confidence in humankind, helping me to remember the force of sympathy and the significance of loaning some assistance to those out of luck. In the long stretches of time that understood, I frequently ended up considering Sam and the effect he had made on my life. His straightforward thoughtful gesture had propelled me to show preemptive kindness, to search for chances to help other people in my own local area, and to move toward every day with an open heart and a readiness to have an effect. Also, however I might in all likelihood at no point ever see Sam in the future, his soul lives on in the recollections we shared and the examples he educated me. He was something beyond a supportive individual I met in passing — he was a brilliant illustration of the decency that exists on the planet, and an update that even amidst bedlam and vulnerability, graciousness has the ability to illuminate the most obscure of days. Soon after our experience, I made it a highlight copy Sam's consideration in my own life. I chipped in at neighborhood covers, offering dinners and friendship to those out of luck. I assisted older neighbors with their food and paid attention to their accounts with authentic premium and sympathy. What's more, each time I assisted somebody out of luck, I considered Sam and the effect he had made on my life. However, it wasn't simply my activities that changed — it was my point of view too. I started to see the world through Sam's eyes, perceiving the magnificence and humankind in each individual I experienced. I got some margin to grin at outsiders in the city, to offer uplifting statements to the people who required them, and to move toward every communication with an open heart and a readiness to interface. Also, as I kept on exploring the clamoring roads of New York City, I conveyed Sam's soul with me any place I went. His consideration had contacted my life in manners I would never have envisioned, and I realize that I would perpetually be appreciative for the brief yet significant experience we had shared. Eventually, Sam was something other than a supportive individual I had met — he was a directing light in a world that occasionally felt dull and questionable. He showed me that even amidst mayhem and disarray, there is dependably space for consideration, empathy, and liberality of soul. Also, for that, I will constantly be appreciative.
By Nameless writer3 days ago in Humans
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