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So much has happened. So many hours have gone by.
So many laughs have been had between us, so many tears shed. We have grown closer. I am closer to you than I have been with anyone else. There have been times when I have almost given up. On us. On me. On everything I've worked for and striven for my whole life. And there have been times when I've felt I have finally made it. I have finally found all I am meant to find in another person, and I never need to worry about being alone again. I have finally won.
Months have gone by now, since the beginning. So many afternoons I have spent, daydreaming about you. So many nights, sitting up with you, laughing and talking and sharing our souls. Many nights, too, spent alone. Wondering where you are and what you are doing. Wondering how I can bear this loneliness any longer. Wondering if I'll finally break. If somehow this pain will let up, or if I will have to carry on with this weight on my shoulders.
My feelings for you have evolved so much. I've fallen in love with you. I've had my heart broken by you. I've tried to exorcise you from my heart and my mind and my soul and my entire life. But I can't. You keep coming back. Or maybe I keep coming back. I don't really know anymore.
Things have gotten so hard. Everything has changed. Nothing in my life is the same as it was that first night. Nothing at all. Nothing about me is the same. I do not even slightly resemble the person I was. I never will resemble that person again. Partially, because of you.
Sometimes—actually, a lot of the time—I want to run. I think this is all not worth it anymore. I can't take the pain. I can't take your rejection. Your disinterest. Even if it is a feigned disinterest. Even if you do love me, the way you say you do. Even if you don't want me to leave. Even if you want to be with me. It hurts me. Can't you see? The way we are hurts me. I don't want to be hidden away anymore. I don't want to be someone's secret. I don't care how my family or your friends or anyone else would react. I don't give a shit about them. I want you. I care about you. I love you.
I want to throw you birthday parties. I want to go out to nice dinners with you. I want to kiss you in front of everyone we know. I want to climb to the top of the highest building I can find, and yell to the whole world that I'm in love with you. Because I am. I love you that much. I want everyone to know.
I want our private moments, too. I want to sit with you late at night, and I want you to tell me about the house you grew up in. I want you to tell me why your friend upset you today. I want you to tell me all the reasons you're worried about work tomorrow. I want you to tell me about how you almost went to the Junior Olympics but your father wouldn't let you because you had a math test, and how that still bothers you to this day. I want you to tell me all of it. Tell me all the things you'll never tell anyone else. And I'll tell you all of my secrets, too.
Play me your favorite song. Make me watch your favorite movie again. Make me do everything on Earth with you.
All I want is you. We could be so happy together, I know it. We get along so well. Our dynamic is making me lose my mind, that's all. Just tell me you're mine. Tell me you'll always be mine. And I'll be free.
I don't think you will. I don't think those words will ever leave your lips. At least not for me.
So I want to go. I want to find someone who will say those things for me. Or have no one at all. I don't know what I want anymore. You've messed up my mind so much that it's almost as if I don't know which way is up. I hardly know who I am at this point.
Sometimes, I feel like I could do it. Like today. I felt like I could move on easily. I could have been back to myself. I no longer needed you. My soul didn't depend on you the way it did back then. I could be my own person. I could be myself. But then, the song that played that afternoon came on. The song that played the afternoon before you first tried to kiss me. The afternoon when I finally felt like everything had fallen into place. Everything was perfect. At last. The afternoon before the night when everything fell apart.
And now that I have heard that song again, everything is a mess. How long? How long will this pain go on? How long before I can be at peace again?