Elliot

Elliot never lied I guess. He told me from the beginning about her. He was 32 and in a long-term relationship with a girl I’d only heard about. I was 18 and completely naïve.

He’d text me in the evenings telling me he was in bed with her, but all he could think about was me. He’d tell me I was better than her in so many ways. I’d listen to all his boring work talk and I always asked him about his day. I’d let him kiss me and touch me, even though I felt crap, knowing that I didn’t really have him all to myself.

He used to love it when I’d smoke cigarettes, when I’d get drunk or when I’d get a new tattoo. He loved it when I’d do the things he’d always been too afraid to do. He never drank, he said he didn’t need to and maybe he was right because he had the confidence to do things I never could when sober. I could never tell him how I was feeling when we were face to face unless I had alcohol running through my veins.

I was never allowed to date throughout our time together, even though I knew he was screwing someone else when he finally went home. “But I thought of you the entire time!” I believed him at first but then the wait to have him all to myself began to be unbearable.

So when I got drunk with some friends one night I told him I wanted him all to myself. I'd stay faithful and love him and be the perfect girl to him, if only he'd give me a chance. I threatened to go home with someone else otherwise but he just called me immature. He said he wouldn't be surprised if I was still fucking other guys so I cried and he apologised. So I forgave him and for the first time I spent the night wrapped in his arms.

Maybe he was right. There was 14 years between us, but what he didn’t seem to understand was I was ready to settle down. I’d have stayed loyal, loved him, cared for him, through thick and thin but he didn’t want that. He didn't seem to want anything but a bit of fun. Overall or with just me?

He was scared of getting old, so he found young meat for a bit on the side. Looking back I was just some young thing who fell for his stupid charm. But he’d told me he loved me and I’ve only just realised that was a lie. I was taken advantage of but I never knew. So I carried on for a long time. I slept around but I never told him, feeling less and less impressed with myself as it carried on. I hated who I'd become but I loved him too much to let him go.

I was happy for a while, because even if I didn't have all of him, I at least had a part of him.

Then I found out they were engaged…

He disappeared from my life for over a month after he proposed and when he came back, he acted like nothing had changed.

But I had. I found John, who I've fallen in love with and who loves me exactly the same. As hard as it's been, I trust he’ll never cheat or fall for someone else while he's with me. He's still older but he knows I'm not just some teen to fool around with and break my heart. He’s helped me realise that I am worthy of love and he's taught me to trust that I am enough.

I broke it off with Elliot one summer’s day when he texted me while out with John. It was still new and strange but I knew I didn't want to go back. It had been two months since Elliot and I had spoke and I hadn’t missed him one bit. But all of a sudden I received a stupid text: “Hey missing that sexy smile.” As I sat cuddled up in my John's big strong arms I decided to fuck it up once and for all. I replied with a selfie of me and him with the caption, “he’s the only one who gets to see my sexy smile now.”

It’s been six months now and we’re still going strong. I haven’t heard from Elliot since that day. I’ll be honest, sometimes I do miss him but I know it’s just nostalgia for the past. I’ve moved, I’m doing better now that I’ve let go of that cheating twat.