Emotionally Abandoned

Abandoned! Stranded! Lonesome! Isolated! Alone! Left for dead!

Yeah! These words define right now what I am going through right this moment. It is not easy. It is the toughest situation in the world. It can start anywhere, at any time, and for any reason. It can even overlap the other times. But, no matter when it happens, that will be the time when you find out who your true friends are.

I did something wrong recently. No, I did not commit a crime or anything of the sort. I will admit that I have been rather obnoxious at times and my behavior had offended a few people. As a result, I was reprimanded by a higher up as expected. The funny thing is that I became immediately angry not with the person (or persons) who reported me. I was honestly and truly angry at and with myself. There was no one else to blame except the person who I see in the mirror each and every day.

I had a long drive home that night. I was quite pensive and needed to figure out how to fix the broken me. I needed some sort of self-repair. I could not fix my problem alone. I needed some outside guidance. For starters, I temporarily removed myself from social circles where I interact with other people until I am able to make amends with them. This will afford me the opportunity to enter a reflexive phase and look back at all I had done.

Right now, I am just wading through the psychological waters, trying to find the lifesaver that will help me escape the situation I am in.

This is not my first foray into this area. I have been here many times before. Deaths of family and friends, arguments, financial reasons, and others are just some of the reasons why I feel abandoned at times. Sometimes when you reach out for particular people to help, it is like trying to grab every part of a smoke cloud and place it gently into your pocket. It is impossible to do. Some may think that they were able to defeat it, but they immediately went for the bottle, pills or the wacky tobacco (aka reefer) in order to defeat their problems. Did it work? Nope. That is why one (like me) needs friends for immediate help. I don't want to sound mean or anything, but I DO have friends who come to my aid. Where are the rest? That is always the question.

I am a believer that if one needs help, a friend should always be there in some way. They don't always have to be there physically even though it would help. A friend can pick up a phone or even send a letter. In this age of technology, they can even email a friend who is in pain. Of course, supportive friends must know that a friend is in pain. I, personally, do not like telling my troubles to every Tom, Dick, and Harry out there. I will tend to keep my pains within me and try to deal with it myself. I am fortunate, however, that I can still reach most of the important people in my life. One involves a call to California. Another involves me calling Vermont. Still, another can be reached by a series of text messages. No matter how you look at it, I can always count on one of my friends—those who I consider to be the closest to me—to be there for me.

So, where does the abandonment come in? Well, the moment you are in trouble, the feeling begins. What does it feel like? That is quite simple. Picture yourself in a huge room. You have no way of getting out. You have no forms of communication. There are no windows. In short, you have no other way to communicate with the world beyond yourself. Not only that, there are people outside of that very room who know that you are having trouble, but they refuse to make an effort to help you. That is what abandonment is like, except it is not that nice.

At my age, I am pretty much used to it and I am no longer overwhelmed by it. In fact, I live the remaining years of my life alone. I spend my time at home alone. I drive alone. I go to eat my lunch alone. Loneliness is my friend.

There are times when I do desire company, but the company that I really want is no longer around. She was the love of my life. She perished in 2008. Since then, I sought some other targets of my romantic affections, but nothing ever came of it. That was okay. I am used to being alone.

I never attend parties anymore. Why should I? They are just groups of people gathered together to have a good time. I don't need it. I am not a party person anymore. When my parents died in 2012 (Dad) and 2015 (Mom) respectfully, they took the ability to enjoy parties with them. I don't even party for my birthday, Christmas or even New Years' Eve. I am just a classic killjoy.

In closing, how do I describe myself in much better terms? Simple. Picture the seven stranded castaways of Gilligan's Island. Now, picture just one person on that island all by themselves. That would be me.

Even Robinson Crusoe had his buddy Friday for company.