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Everything I Could Never Tell You

Because I Have Absolutely No Balls to Scream It from the Rooftops, I’m Sorry

By Lauren ElizabethPublished 6 years ago 5 min read
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Years from now I will look back on this and I will completely hate some of myself. We wasted so much time trying to make things perfect that we forgot how to live in the moment and be free spirits and I’m sorry for that. I’m sorry that I pushed you so far and brought you face to face with the worst versions of yourself, almost as though I didn’t have demons of my own. I’m sorry I drank way too much and stayed out way too late, and I’m sorry I didn’t prepare for our future enough. I’m sorry that you expected me to be a little more gentle that one time I cut you with my tongue whilst you shattered in front of my tear-stained eyes. I’m sorry I didn’t sacrifice more, and I’m sorry that there were times when you were not my top priority. I’m sorry that I didn’t cry enough and I’m so, fucking, sorry that I wasn’t who you needed me to be sometimes. I’m sorry that I wasn’t able to empathise with you and I’m sorry for every time I made you feel as though you were not good enough. I’m sorry that I didn’t fight enough and I’m sorry I dragged you through hell and promised you heaven at the end of it because we’re way deeper into something so dark and lonely than I ever imagined we could have been.

Because for Some Fucking Reason I Never Yelled It at the Top of My Lungs, Thank You

Years from now, I will look back on this and completely hate most of myself. I spent so much time focused on the little things you did wrong that I didn’t see the bigger picture or the fact you were actually really good to me and I thank you for that. I thank you for the times when you would look me dead in the eye and reassure me that you loved me. I thank you for the times you held me when I had come so, fucking, close to dying and you’d just hold me and break down with me and stroke my hair and kiss my forehead and I thank you for that. I thank you for not hating me that one time when I tried to jump into the river and you pulled me away, and rather than saying thank you for saving my life, I beat the shit out of you. I thank you for the times we shared together, all the good and the bad. I thank you for the lives we built together, the house we had, the children we almost had, the forever we could have been. I thank you for your emotions, especially when they just poured from your soul and moulded into something wonderful in the palms of my hands. I thank you for the tattoos we got together that time. I thank you for the nights we shared together, and I thank you for the feeling you gave me in my stomach every time you kissed me. I thank you for putting up with my constant battles both in my head and in reality. I thank you for not leaving me when you’ve had plenty of chances to start a better life with someone who gives you all I can’t. I thank you for holding my hand and guiding me through times when I couldn’t see where I was going. I thank you for the songs we used to sing together and I thank you for the ones I can no longer hear without feeling your name in the pit of my heart. I thank you for the us we had.

Because I Didn’t Fucking Say It When I Should Have Done and Times Almost up, I Love You

Years from now I will look back at this and completely hate all of myself. I spent so much time demonising you because you made a couple of mistakes that I forgot to admit to my own wrongdoings and make it all up to you. I spent a lot of time thinking this was all some game and thinking that point scoring was more important than fixing our shit and I can’t fucking turn that back now, but I love you for sticking around as long as you did. I love you because you have been my light for almost two years. I love you because you’ve stared me in the eye tears, streaming down your face begging me to forgive you, every time you made a mistake. I love you because you’re only human but you’re nothing like any other human. I love you because you are kind and you are gentle but you don’t realise because nobody has ever told you that. I love you because you didn’t give up on me when I lost all of my friends; in fact you became everybody I needed. I love you because I wake up through the night to your breath on my neck and your body pressed up against mine. I love you because I learned how to smile and, fucking, mean it. I love you because you have always been real with me from the start and not once have you tried to be something you are not. I love you because you fucking hold me when I’m happy, you hold me when I’m sad, you hold me when I’m on top of the fucking world, and you hold me when I no longer want to live. You hold me when I’m angry and you hold me when I’m incredibly calm and collected. What I’m trying to tell you is though I have failed to show you in every way that you have shown me, I love you with all of my heart, and I am just hoping and praying with every longing part of me that you read this and realise just how much your beating heart and labyrinth mind mean to me.

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