Everything I Want to Say

You are probably wondering why I sent this to you. I don’t want you to feel bad. I want you to know what I wanted to say, what I was feeling, and what I went through. This “story” is one sided because I have no possible way of knowing how you feel or wanted from me. If you want me to know how you feel, then tell me. Don’t leave me in the dark. I still worry about you and want the best for you and if that isn’t me, I will learn to accept that.

This past week, I have been to hell and back. The stress of everything that happened, the concert, first competition, and you leaving me. I wrote this because I have never felt the way I felt, and still feel for you. You are the man that I wanted to spend my future with. I regret that I couldn’t have done anything to prevent this. If you are wondering if this is like a 13 Reasons kind of thing, it isn’t. I don’t plan on dying, not yet anyways. Meaning way in the future when I am old and have accomplished everything. I want nothing from you unless you decide that you are ready. This is not my final plea to get you back. This is just what I want you to know. This might get emotional and I suggest that you read it when you are ready and take as much time as you need. I don’t want to get over you. You were the best of me. I want you to understand everything. This is not me trying to guilt you into anything. This is not me begging. This is the girl that you loved pouring her heart out. A girl who doesn’t understand what happened. The girl that wanted nothing except to be happy with the man she loved. All she wanted was to be living a life with you.

I want to start with the text. I understand what was going on, but I don’t understand why. I don’t understand why you did this. I want to understand. In there, you said, “I need time to find myself,” but I believe that is what you are supposed to do with someone that you love. I understand that you might just need sometime to figure it out on your own, but there should be someone, someone that you can go to and completely trust to help you along the way. I also got to thinking, “What is a while?” How long have you been thinking about this? How long? I guess I was just stuck with tunnel vision and didn’t see something going on. I thought everything was going well. I thought everything was working. I know that times have been hard, but I was going to be there for you. You also said, “I wouldn’t have time.” Yes, there will be those weeks where we wouldn’t have been able to see each other, but why should that stop us from anything? Something would have worked out in the end. We would have gotten through the challenge together.

As for the future, who knows where that would have taken us. Who knows? College can be scary and can drive relationships apart, but why would that have happened to us? Why would you be frightened of a long distance relationship? You know that I will always be faithful to you and you had my trust. We wouldn’t have known unless we had tried. Who knows? Maybe we would have found ourselves closer and more trusting of each other. Who really knows? Yes, I want kids and I know that you don’t, but plans change. People change over time, minds change. If they didn’t, I would respect that and we could’ve gotten dogs or cats. I see them as children anyways. I would have been happy either way, as long as I was with you. What would have happened? What would you have done if you found out that I was pregnant with your child? There are plenty of people that say they don’t want kids and end up having one anyways because they were overjoyed to find out they are going to be a parent. A parent bringing something new to this messed up and dangerous world.

I guess it's onto the good stuff now. Well, not that good. This is where is gets sad because I am letting you into my mind during this time. You can see what I was going through and how I felt. All I ask is that you respect what I have to say and understand what was going on.

September 24, 2017-

After a good couple of hours, I had finally locked myself in my room. I keep asking myself, “Why do people leave me?” I had been crying since that text message. I refused to do anything and every time that I tried I just ended up crying again. I got none of the work that I needed to do done. Why? Because my heart was broken by the man that I took time for, drove 30 minutes in the opposite direction for. The guy that I drove to go see after I got off the plane. The guy that I would go see when something was wrong or that I wanted to surprise. The guy that I let see my insecurities. The one that gave me something to care about. The guy that made me feel like a princess. The guy that I would leave an hour early for my shift to take to work because I wanted to spend time with him. The one that removed the worries from my life. The guy that made me happy and made me laugh. The guy that I let in.

September 25, 2017-

What happened? Why? Life isn’t the same. I miss everything. I walk around school with my head down always checking my phone, just in case. I have never been so isolated. I don’t feel the same; my heart has been shattered and all the pieces are on the floor and some aren’t even where I can reach them. I keep trying to pull myself together, but I always end up falling apart. I am alone and no one notices. I plug in my ear buds and blast my music so that I don’t have to deal with the world. I gave a speech and during that speech the only thing I could think of was you. I ended up breaking down during it and had to pause for a moment while I regained my composure. I had written that speech with you in mind because I always try to protect the people I love. Yes, I still love you, but at what cost is that to me? Life isn’t what it used to be. It hurts not being with you. Our song came on the radio as I drove home and all I could do was cry. I didn’t have the strength to change the station. I didn’t have the strength not to cry. Tears ran down my face and when I pulled into the driveway I finally let it all out. I locked myself in my room and held Pikachu because he was the only thing left that I had of you.

September 26, 2017-

The pain of losing you still is very present. I even wished you luck at your first concert and offered you advice for stage fright because, believe it or not, I had it. That took a lot out of me to do that because I was always going to be there for you. The advice I was going to offer you was, I find that one person in the audience and focus on them. That one person makes you feel safe and distracts you from everything. I was there, not physically, but in spirit. I was there because I was in your heart. I was there because you were in mine. I have no words on how depressed I was when I couldn’t see you. People actually don’t know this, but I am actually depressed. I have been since November of my freshman year and I can’t tell people that because they all rely on me. I am the strongest person they know, but I’m really not. On the outside, I have a hard exterior shell that only a very few people have been able to crack and making it through to my heart. You were one of them, one of the only to make it to my heart. I have actually stopped talking to Liz and Jacob. Not because they did something, but because I don’t have the words to explain. I have no words to explain what I was feeling. I still can’t explain it, but it felt like I was stabbed in the heart and was dying. Every time someone asks me, “Are you ok?” all I want to do is cry.

September 27, 2017-

I couldn’t help but cry. People have figured out something is wrong, but I won’t tell them. I just listen to the music we used to listen to together. Nothing feels the same. The music isn’t the same. This may sound weird, but the beating of my heart isn’t the same. Sometimes it doesn’t feel like I have one anymore. I cried on my way home and on my way to you. I didn’t say anything because I would have started crying more than I already was. I am not mad at you, but I am very heart broken. This kind of pain I haven’t felt since that day when I had to put my first dog down in November of my freshman year. I went to go see you so that I could return the stuff I said I was borrowing. I could tell by the way you spoke that you were heartbroken too. When I saw you walking to my car like the good old days, like last week, I wanted to get out and run to you crying and have you embrace me in your arms, but I didn’t. When you came to my car, I wanted to get out. I wanted to fall on my knees and cry. I wanted to show you how lost I am without you in my life. I wanted you to kiss me, I wanted to kiss you. I wanted to do all these things, but didn’t because I didn’t know what would have happened. When I rolled up my window, I wanted to cry and I wanted you to open my door and hold me. I wanted you to run after me. I wanted you to stop me from doing something stupid like going 100 mph on the 60. I cried all the way home and thought about getting into a car accident to see if you would find me in the hospital and realize that you were wrong to leave me. I sent you a message that I don’t regret sending, but wish I could have said it to you. I wanted you to hear the pain I was in. I wanted nothing more than to be with you.

September 28, 2017-

How could this day be any more stressful? It was my band concert and I had left school early because I was in pain, emotionally and physically. The day started out with me hitting my head, then proceeded with some more pain that made me sick. I had a slight glimmer of hope that you would text me saying, “good luck,” like what I did for you. However, that didn’t happen. I had finally left for the concert and all I could think about was you. Could you have gone just to see me perform? Could you have gone to see me? To say you were sorry? To take me back because you realized you were wrong? If you were there, I didn’t see you when I looked out into the audience. After the concert, all I wanted to do was sit in my car and cry, but I couldn’t. Why? Why couldn’t I? I thought about how you made me happy and all the wonderful memories we share together. I went home and finally went to bed still thinking of you.

September 29, 2017-

I wanted to text you today. I wanted to say, “I miss you. I miss everything about you. It is hard not being with you and I hate it. Nothing is the same. The music is disconnected. My life is in shambles and my heart is shattered. I have no one to treat me like you did. I have no one to put me back together. You made me so happy. You said, ‘I will never let you go,’ you said this to me and I believed you. I still believe you. I still believe you don’t want to let me go. I want nothing more than to see you everyday for the rest of my life. I want nothing more than to see you happy, and I know that you want to see me happy too. We are happy with each other and I don’t know why you can’t see that. I will support you in everything that you want to do. I will help you figure whatever you need to figure out. We work together on problems not separately. We walk together through the tough times and we still stand together during the simple times. That is what we will do and should do. I want nothing more than to have a future with you in my life. I will wait for you to come back to me, to come to me and say nothing but, ‘I love you, will you forgive me?’ I do believe in second chances, but you will need to earn my trust back. I love you and will wait for something, for anything.” I wanted to say all of that, but I know that it is your decision that you have to make on your own. I wanted you to know what I was feeling and wanted you to know what was going through my head. I believe in the idea that we could still be together. If that is not what you want, I can fully respect that decision, but why can’t we still be friends? Why can’t we still be in each other’s lives?

September 30, 2017-

Today, today was different. I was so stressed out and nervous about my competition that I couldn’t think. I couldn’t think of anything. I woke up at 4 AM and felt sick, I was at school since 10 AM and was only home for an hour before I had to leave again. During that time I had enough time to shower and think. I was listening to the new BTS album and was think of that day that I tortured you with it. I invited you to my competition because I remember you wanted to see my show. When I went back to Mesa, I went to Walmart. I went there to distract myself, I had some fun, but I still missed you. I would have had more fun if you were there. During the performance, I hoped you were there to see what my group had accomplished. To see what I had accomplished. I looked for you when we walked to the stands. I looked for you to be standing there looking for me. My band got last place, but it is only the first competition and we would have probably still be in last if we weren’t penalized for having a short show. I had no one there supporting me, my parents didn’t even go. After all the cleaning was done and we were released to leave, I went to IHOP with some friends. The table we sat at was the one right in front of the one the two of us sat at on that day. After, I had dropped off my friends, I wanted to go see you, I wanted nothing more than to be with you. To be in your arms. I finally got home around 2:30 AM. I wanted to cry on my way home, but I couldn’t because my eyes were too dry and I wouldn’t have been able to stop. I wouldn’t have been able to stop because I couldn’t stop thinking about you, about the plans we had together, the future we could’ve had, everything. I couldn’t sleep. I was afraid the my night terrors were back because my entire body was trembling. I couldn’t make it stop. The only person that I knew that could make it stop was not talking to me. It’s like you fell off the face of the earth and I can’t see you or hear you. However, when I do fall asleep, I end up dreaming about you. I dreamt about you for two nights in a row. I don’t know if that means that I miss you or vica versa. All I know is that I miss you and I think you miss me.

Now that you have read everything. You can understand what was going through my mind. People would say that I was the one that got away, but I don’t believe that. I think that I was the one that never left. I still see having a future with you, I still see you coming back to me, I still see everything. This past week was hard without you and I never want to feel this way again. I honestly don’t know if I will send this to you, but if you are reading it then future me has decided to. I don’t know if or when you will read this, but I hope that you do.

I know there is a lot of repetition within this and that it is five pages, but this was what truly was going on through my head. This was also really hard for me to write due to the amount of strength I needed to express all of the emotions I felt. Once you are done reading this, call me or text me. Just let me know what is going on and that you have read this. That is all I ask of you. I ask that you let me know that you have read this and understand what I was going through. If there is nothing that you get from this or you still don’t want to talk to me right now, just know this: I still love you.