Everything You Need to Know About Being Non-Binary

Today (14th July) is international non-binary day and I had the privilege of interviewing musician Emma Johnson (This, May, Them) about her experience being non-binary in a binary world.

Here's a little snippet of our conversation; the full interview will be available on my podcast soon!

Katie: For people who don’t know, what does non-binary actually mean?

Emma: It just means people who don’t feel like they are in either of the binary genders, which are male and female, so they could be anything in between. Or, not necessarily in between, they could be anything that isn’t a man or a woman.

So anything outside of the spectrum as well?

Yeah, yeah.

How did you know that you were non-binary?

I guess it was hearing more people talk about it. I think I started off hearing people talk about being androgynous, which, as far as I understand it, more refers to your sense of style. So there was the cross of genders in fashion being more of a thing and I started hearing about non-binary and gender queer and stuff like that. I can’t remember. I think one day I was just like, "Yeah, this makes a lot of sense to who I am," and it just sort of felt right.

Are pronouns important to you?

For me, personally, I’m currently still okay with being called 'she' and 'her' and 'they' and 'them' if people refer to me as that, that’s fine. But that’s just me personally and I know that a lot of non-binary and gender queer people don’t want to be referred to as one of the binary pronouns. I think it’s really important to make sure you respect what people want their pronouns to be. Just respecting people telling you what they want to be called.

Do you have any tips for where non-binary people should buy clothing? Obviously, most clothes shops are split into ‘man’ and ‘woman’, it’s a very binary experience.

Yeah, it’s been one of the main things that I’ve struggled with. Recently I’ve found that Boohoo Man has got a pride range out and it’s non-binary friendly and there’s some really nice stuff in it. It’s also all pride slogans, which is nice. I think in terms of shopping in very binary settings, I always used to joke about [that fact that] I used to buy my clothes in the men’s section and then I came out as non-binary and started to feel more comfortable with myself. I think the thing I really struggled with was also accepting that I like to shop in the women’s section sometimes. You can feel the social construct of gender still really ingrained in you and everytime I’m in the women’s section I’m like ‘ooh I really like this’ but it doesn’t fit in with everything else I’ve been buying because I’ve been buying from the men’s section. I think the day I was like, 'you know, that’s okay', the problem isn’t you the problem is how the shops are set out and how just because of the way something is cut means it’s more suitable for a ‘woman’s’ body or a ‘man’s’ body. I guess my tips would be to check out the Boohoo Man pride range and learning to be okay with whatever side of the shops you shop in.

What’s the worst question that you get asked as a non-binary person?

For me, personally, I think the most difficult thing is that I also identify as a lesbian. Again, this was another thing that confused me in that I didn’t quite know if I could be non-binary and still identify as a lesbian. There are other terms that I’ve found recently such as panlesbian and polysexual and loads of different terms. But, at the same time, I still feel like a lesbian and I personally believe that "lesbian" doesn’t just encompass those who are born with a vagina. I think it’s really important that we expand the definition of lesbian because trans women are women and I am non-binary and a lesbian.

Who is your biggest non-binary inspiration?

It’s difficult because I haven’t spent a lot of time looking and I don’t know if there are that many in the media, definitely not as many as there should be. But I am massively inspired by any female celebrity who is maybe more on the androgynous side. So people like Kristen Stewart or Ellen Page or Lea DeLaria or Sara Ramirez who plays Callie on Grey’s Anatomy. She's maybe one of my faves. Her Instagram is great.

What would you say the biggest misconception people have about non-binary people is?

I guess that they’re just on their way to one of the binary genders. That they’ve just not quite figured it out yet but they’ll be one or the other at some point.

I think another misconception I’ve seen is that you’re just making it up for attention you can’t possibly be outside the gender binaries.

Yeah, it comes with the term snowflake.

What advice would you give to someone who is questioning their gender identity?

Don’t feel too much pressure to figure it out right away. I know that it can be really difficult not knowing but I know that I put a lot of pressure on myself to figure out exactly who I was supposed to be. It’s like putting the pressure on yourself so that if someone is going to ask you questions you’ll know exactly what to say. So, 'I shop here and I like this and I don’t like that and this is what I call myself' but in reality, it’s not really anybody else's business unless you want it to be. It’s really difficult to block the world out and I chose to delete people on my social media who have said some really awful things about non-binary people in the past and focus on positivity. Your labels will come, you will figure out your identity don’t worry about trying to figure it out for other people.

What’s the hardest part about being non-binary in a world that is only set up for binaries?

I definitely still get imposter syndrome. I feel like I’ve started to get over it in terms of being a lesbian and being in the LGBT community. But I get worried that there are more valid non-binary people out there and I’m taking up space somewhere that I shouldn’t even though this is my space. And I also really struggle with the binary shopping situation.

Check out Emma's music on Spotify or Bandcamp under This, May, Them.