[email protected]$# Your Phone Calls

A Possibly Too Honest Review of Feelings

I knew the girl for 15 years. There was a lot of history there. That was what made it so hard to walk away from her a couple of weeks ago. I know it was the right thing to do, though. She had told me that it bothered her that when I reached out to her during an anxiety attack, she felt she could not talk about herself. I’m not even joking or exaggerating. That is what she said. That statement showed me that we no longer belonged together as friends. It took me a few days, but I came to peace with this. I’ve still felt a little broken hearted over the whole thing but I’ve been dealing with it well. Then she calls me yesterday. I answer the phone and she says, “Hey,” like nothing has happened. Then she tells me she just wanted to chat and oh, she’s off work, by the way. I was flabbergasted. How dare she?! She can’t stab me in the heart like that and then waltz back into my life like everything is the same.

I have to be honest, when I started writing this I wanted to be kind and peaceful about it all. Well, now that I am getting somewhere, I have had a change of heart. Fuck that bitch. She had no right calling me up like we are friends. We stopped being friends the moment I learned this is no longer a person I could confide in. It's not okay to call me up like everything is fine after that point. I have a right to defend and protect my emotional self. I tried so hard not to be mean to that hoe when she called me. I gritted my teeth and clenched that phone so hard I thought I would break it. “You do know we can’t be friends,” I said. I stand by my statement. I have Bipolar Disorder and Generalized Anxiety Disorder. I can’t have close friends that can’t handle me at my worst.

She called me selfish for making her feel like she couldn’t talk about her own problems. Mind you, this was generally untrue. The only time things were focused totally on me was in the middle of a breakdown of some kind. Other than that, we were talking about her life. Usually, the topic was the guy she has been fucking for two years who still doesn’t want to date her. Personally, I don’t feel I should have to apologize for reaching out during crisis. Do you have any idea how many years of therapy it took to learn to do that? Some immature bitch with a loud mouth and an adulating problem is not about to tell me I’m selfish for taking care of myself.

I know I have my issues and I work on them everyday. This girl, though. She makes the same mistakes a million times and never considers that she might be the problem. I used to tell her all the time, “maybe you should step away from the guys and focus on getting your kids back and finding a place to live.” Yet everyday her concern was with either the most recent guy she met or the same guy she has been fucking for years.

Now, I am a big advocate of making sure things are OK in your own life before you start bringing someone else into it. I do understand that, in love, this is not always how things work. Sometimes you just meet the love of your life and the two of you are able to build a life together. But, even if that is the case, you should be working on your own issues at home until you meet that person. And, to be frank, if you are couch hopping with one kid because you don’t have a home while you fail to maintain custody of the other two, I just don’t think it is the right time to focus on meeting the love of your life. So, yes, I am very angry that she called me. I was doing great getting over our 15 years of friendship and now I keep having to remind my self that I did the right thing.

I definitely learned something from this, though. I learned that sometimes you simply outgrow people, and that is totally okay. This girl and I just grew into two totally different people over the course of the years. I am at a point in my life that I need something out of a friend that she clearly can’t offer. I would rather just move on without a grudge and get over all of this but, no! Bitches gotta be placing phone calls and shit.

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[email protected]$# Your Phone Calls
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