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Failing at Loving

The Hurt, Confusion, and...Hopefully...Clarity After You Make It Out Alive

By J.M. SPublished 5 years ago 3 min read
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I’ve spent the last week trying to wrap my head around what I’m feeling. The truth is, when I don’t notice, when I’m not making a conscious effort to examine myself, I just feel...numb.

And this may seem like nonsense rambling at first, but I promise you, I have a point. And I’m hoping it will help others who have gone through or are going through what I’m going through at this very moment.

Let me start by saying—I never thought I was a terrible person. I have always been caring and compassionate and truly empathetic. I’ve worked in nonprofit with children most of my life. I have two children of my own who I’d jump in front of a car or train or anything aiming to harm them without ever thinking twice... So maybe it came as a shock to me as well when I did something unthinkable. After seven years of marriage to my best friend (and he really, truly is my best friend) I had an affair with another man. The worst part is, I told NOBODY it happened. I lived with it, inside my head, eating away at my soul, pretending I was fine. That was, until my husband went through my phone and revealed the truth.

Now, so you get a sense for how fresh this is, him going through my phone took place on Sunday. It’s now the following Saturday. Not even a week has gone by but my brain has been going in circles.

He left yesterday to “get away for a while” after we made a quick decision to see a counselor and miraculously were squeezed in on such short notice.

I still haven’t decided if him leaving is good or bad for this situation. I do know that having everything come in to light, despite the circumstances, is almost slightly relieving. There’s so much “dark” that comes with a secret like this and unconscious feelings that I shoved away. And now I’m able to see things and admit things that, honestly, scared the shit out of me before because, why not? Can’t get any worse, right?

Our counselor told us that while he’s away we both need to focus on the “here and now” instead of dwelling on the past. And in dwelling, he meant either way—dwelling about the affair or dwelling on the good memories and thinking how it could have all gone wrong. So I’m focusing on the here and now and if you are going through something similar I encourage you to do this also.

Here and now, I am alone while my children spend the night at their grandmother’s house. I’m learning what it feels like to sleep in a bed by myself again, to navigate alone and to make decisions on my own. It’s not awful but the reality check I’ve got to give myself is—“am I ok with doing this possibly forever instead of with someone who loves me?” And I don’t know yet.

That man loves me, he really does. There is no doubt about it. He may be angry at me, completely heart broken and hurt to no end, but he does love me. The truth is, our marriage was on the rocks for a while. We lost the spark and connection we used to have. I’m trying to see if I can get it back. Because I’m sure it’s me. He’s voiced that, even after all of this, after all I’ve done to hurt him, he still feels it for me... but why would I have done what I did if I felt it for him? I’m still trying to figure that out. My mind is in a constant battle of what would be best and I’m trying my damn hardest not to make a decision based on fear. Fear that I might make the wrong choice in either direction. Fear of leaving, losing my normal, hurting him so badly and regretting it. Fear of staying and continuing to be unhappy by putting up a front to keep him happy. What would be worse? I don’t know right now. There’s a quote that keeps going through my head lately from Eat Pray Love—“the only thing more unthinkable than leaving was staying; the only thing more impossible than staying was leaving.”

... so I failed at love. I sucked really hard at it this time. But I’m hoping to gain some clarity now for the future. I’m hoping the unthinkable and impossible won’t feel so unthinkable or impossible with time. And I hope you find it to. The courage to find yourself in a mess. But please, don’t base your decision on fear. I hope I won’t.

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About the Creator

J.M. S

J.M. is a freelance writer and web developer who has always had a passion for writing from the heart. She is a mother of two beautifully unique daughters, a lover of girl power, poetry fanatic and resident of Arkansas.

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