Fake It To Make It?

High school is a real-time la la land you just can’t get out of. You have a test today, whoops guess what, a 5 peg essay due tomorrow! But besides the work, you have friends, boyfriends/girlfriends, crushes, and mutual relationships with your peers.

Crushes can break you. One small thing they do could ruin your whole day, IF it’s the wrong gesture. I have had a crush on this guy, let’s call him C, for a little while. I don’t know how it started, or how I saw him and just started getting this feeling of butterflies in my stomach. It started off small, you know typical “wow he’s cute” to “Omg, is my hair ok? Is my outfit ok? Am I ok?!”

I get mad at myself at times for liking him. Now, let me explain. C, has MONEY. At least, that’s what I assumed at the time. He had these brands that cost more money than some peoples rent! Yeezys, Supreme, Adidas,etc.

I didn’t notice this at first. When I looked at him, I had a crush on this cute, nice, smart guy. I never saw his money. I never noticed the brands he was wearing. I noticed him. I noticed how nice he was. How cute he was. It wasn't until later that I noticed the shoes he was wearing. I instantly thought that I could never be with a guy like him. Why would he want to be with me? He’s wearing shoes that are worth more than the house I was living in at the time. I was devastated. Now, I’m going to be honest, I have had many crushes. I have no idea why he was so different. I didn’t want to lose him. I started getting a feeling in my heart and chest whenever we were apart. It hurt so much I cried. I had to do something. Anything, to try and not let him run away. I don’t know about you, but when I like someone, my behavior starts to change. I act different, I try to look different, and I suddenly have way more style than before. All because I was trying to impress a guy that probably thinks I am a total weirdo. I wanted more shoes. I wanted more clothes. I wanted all of these brands that I didn’t even know existed. I asked my mom for these things and, wait for it, she said no. When I started high school, I paid for everything I needed. I paid for my clothes, shoes, school supplies, almost everything. I saved up enough money from babysitting over the summer. $600. This was probably pocket change to C. I wasn’t rich. My family and I weren’t rich. But, we weren’t poor. We had enough money to buy ourselves clothes and shoes every once in a while, but never every day. I wanted to be like him. I started to fake rich. I wore clothes that cost lots of money, knowing damn well I had to work my ass off for these clothes.

Honestly, I felt like he might have liked me, too. When his friends were around, they would laugh, he would look at me, sometimes I would catch him staring. All of this could mean nothing. If I dropped my pencil and he picked it up, I would think that he was in love with me. I was confused, but I wanted to stay where I wanted to be. I thought he liked me, so I’m going to keep thinking that. Since I thought he liked me, I felt like I had to try to impress him even more. I started to try and dress like him. I bought an Adidas jacket that I knew he had, I wanted shoes that I knew he had, I wanted everything. After spending all of this money, I came to a realization. If he really liked me like I thought he did, he would accept me for who I am and who I want to be. I started wearing my Vans again, just to see if he would still look at me the same. He did. It’s really weird to think about. One moment, I came to school with expensive shoes and clothes, and the next, I was just casual. No NMDs, no expensive jackets, just me. It felt good. It felt great. Like a big weight lifted off of my shoulders. Knowing that he may still like me even if I didn’t dress to impress, made me feel good.

C has had an impact on my life. Mentally, physically, and emotionally. I changed my grades because of him. He was a great student. His grades were amazing. My grades, well, not so amazing. I wanted to be on the same level as him. I did all of my work, got straight As for the first time in my life, success. C, you really stress me out. I had designer taste with no designer money. Until I realized that you were a humble guy who didn’t really care about how I dressed or how much money I spent. We may not end up together, but just know that you’re an amazing guy. I wish I could tell you this in person. One day. I promise.