Falling Back in Love

Everybody has an opinion on what they think is the wrong or right thing to do when it comes to an ex, whether it is your friends telling you that if you go back to him or her that they will disown you, or your disapproving parents thinking that you just cannot make your mind up as to what you want to do — there is just no way that you can please everyone. But what does it matter when you are adult enough to make a decision on your own? Does it have to be the right decision if it is the way that you genuinely feel about a person and want to try again?

I split from my boyfriend of two years for reasons that above all, were things I needed to work on: anger, jealousy and cheating were the major downfalls of the way I treated somebody who, though had his own minor flaws, made me the happiest girl alive. I basically took the love he gave me, spat on it, pissed on it, then handed it back to him and told him 'I love you too'. At the time, I had no idea how much of an arse I was being. I knew things were wrong, I knew I was wrong, but no matter how much I caused, I never sat down and realised, 'Hey, maybe that thing I did means that I should treat him better.'

At least, I never sat and thought about it until he finally realised he had had enough and ended the relationship.

Of course, I hold no grudge, this story has a happy ending; this is just the moment I realised how much I needed this loving, sensitive, and, quite honestly, stunning man in my life. But that is a lie; the first week of being broken up, I did not realise; I did things that continued to take effect on him and upset him.

Meeting and talking to other people basically was my turn-to option of covering up ever having to sit and think; pushing those feelings aside was my way of getting rid of them before they had the chance to sink their claws into my closed mind, the little bubble of my own. Nothing could touch me, thoughts of him were forcefully submerged into the depths of my memories through the form of deleting photos and blocking him on my socials—until I stopped, and I sat down, and I remembered the last two years, and I realised that this was all me; there is no way that this can be fixed, he will never want me back again. He will never even want to have anything to do with me.

Well, yeah, I did think that, anybody would think that, but somehow, maybe stupidly, he still loved me. He rang me on New Years Day, just gone midnight, and he cried to me and I had no clue what to do, none at all. I think I may have acted blunt to him, asking him why he was crying and most likely not seeming very supportive, but I was shocked. I loved him, and I still was so in love with him, and there he was, on the phone after I practically thought there was no chance in the world that we could be on any terms but that awkward in-between stage of forcing yourself to hate each other.

I honestly do not remember much between that and the day that we met up with each other; the most natural thing for us was to practically run (I say practically because I am not much of a runner and was more likely a very subtle difference to my usual slow pace) towards each other, hug, and then kiss. That kiss, it was just indescribable. If I had to say anything it would be that it was unbelievable, I could not believe I was there, kissing him, my guy, who I missed and loved and could never replace no matter how many stupid attempts I could have made. We somehow spent the night at a hotel together; it was amazing to say the least, and the whole time we were in disbelief that this was even happening. And now we are in the current day, right here, right now, and we are happily back together.

Obviously, it is me who has to make the changes in the way I behave and treat him, which I am doing, and I think I am mostly succeeding. I have never wanted anything more than how much I want this to work right now. I am willing to do anything to be with him and love him the way that he has deserved to be loved for the past two years. The only problem at the minute is that it is a secret; we have been back together for almost a month now and my family still does not know.

The worry is that they will think that I am wrong when I know that I could not be more right. I do not want to cause conflict with them and I do not want to cause conflict with him, but it is so difficult to hear the opinions of all the people around me that I would just rather not. It is the right decision to me, but my family, I imagine, would disagree.

At the end of the day, it is completely up to the two people that have decided to get back into a relationship more than anyone else, so being in a secret relationship is currently how we are dealing and we are coping just fine. In returning into a relationship with my ex, I found it to be one of the best decisions of my life so far. This does not necessarily mean that each couple that decides to start dating again will work out, but it shows that it may always be worth the try, no matter what anybody else thinks. When it comes to love and relationships, it is up to you to choose the life that you lead and who you lead it with, so do not listen to anybody but your heart.