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After Malcolm, I felt less suffocated. The energy I put into liking him turned to hatred. Every time I saw him, I would get pissed off. I either left the room or insulted him. I called him a caramel cunt from time to time. Believe it or not, it was satisfying. It was good to get back to reality and get on with my life. It was nice to be free, even for only a few months.
As my junior year was starting, I felt more hopeful. I had cool friends, a relaxing summer, and was excited to get back in school. Before school started back up, there was the annual "New Student Orientation." As someone who was not a new student, I volunteered to work it. It was cool to meet so many new people. It was good to see fresh faces at this school. I got to know a lot of them very well. They were all special in their own way. Some of them turned out not to be worth my time, but still good to have known them. I was almost threatened by how many of them were better than me based on physical appearance. A side from them, were white guys.
After crushing on Malcolm, I became more cautious of infatuations over guys. It seemed easy. All I planned on thinking about that year was trying not to fall asleep in civics, doing poorly in economics, fail physics, and have sexual thoughts about a past teacher. There were more beautiful guys at my school that year. I acknowledged their beauty. Some of them were appreciative that I found them attractive. I didn't fall for most of them. I was doing so well, but white guys are my weakness. This particular white boy was a pure natural beauty.
His name was Casey. Casey was an awesome person. In fact, I'm certain he still is.When I first saw him, I thought he was this quiet person who had dilated pupils in his eyes. His face is something that I couldn't forget. His hair was brunette, a shiny brown color that reflected nicely in the light. His lips were a nice red color, no filter for a picture required. When he made eye contact with me, I saw how spectacular his eyes really were. They were never one color. I asked him "what color are your eyes?"
He would reply "I don't know." I don't why, but I thought that was one of the most adorable things he ever said.
Casey wasn't some guy who always looked attractive without trying. He was a gymnast, a tiny gymnast. One of my friends at the time talked about how much she liked his arms. They were nice arms. I need to work on mine. Anyway, Casey was a super fit dude. Everyone saw Casey as beautiful from head to toe. I was too busy thinking about how magnificent his face was, how smart/talented he was, and how adorable his voice was. The way I felt about Casey made my crush on Malcolm compare to dog shit.
I made it clear to my friends, Yoshi, Nice, and Wallflower that Casey was my new interest. Wallflower is fucking awesome! Anyway, I wanted those who knew how I was infatuating over him to understand that I didn't like Casey sexually, but more romantically. There were rumors that he was gay too. He debunked that rumor when my friend, Nice, asked if he was gay. Coincidentally, he suspiciously looked at me in passing a half hour later. I was embarrassed and terrified. I gave Nice a death stare and many choice words after that, but she is still loved.
Casey's body wasn't something that I was interested in. It wasn't until the year was ending that I realized how hot he really was. He had nice pecs, a muscular built, lacked in lower leg muscle, but still fucking beautiful. He walked passed me one time, I decided to look down just because. When I did, I saw one the most perfect asses I had ever seen. Sometimes, I wanted to make out with him. He was fun-sized like me, but had a king-sized body. It's not weird that I've seen him shirtless more than once. Everyone has seen him shirtless. I have no god like he does, but god bless. Even today, I'm sure he's still sexy as fuck.
I liked how I could say stupid things around him and he would quickly forgive me for it. If there was anyone who seemed mad, but was really focused on something, it was Casey. I always felt nervous when I talked to him. Sometimes, I thought he was pissed off at me. Turns out, that was just his face. He was a very nice guy to talk to. I just wish that when my feelings began to manifest, my depression didn't manifest with them.
Junior year was the time I began to feel alone. The friends I knew had created their own circles. I found it difficult to enter a circle, or at least be a part of one. Even when I invited myself into a circle, I was always the third wheel. Even when my presence made up the even number of people in a group, I was still the odd one out. When I wasn't in class, I would desperately look for someone around school to talk to. Sometimes, I would walk past Casey. Most of that year, I didn't try to talk to him. I couldn't even make eye contact with him. The struggle of pretending to be bisexual, depression, and liking another guy made it hard for me to act like a sane person. The way I started to act around Casey was pitiful, scared, and angry. I couldn't think straight. No pun was intended. I became irrational with my actions. This was the year I truly lost my balance. A gay guy like me could be around or befriend Casey, but when that gay guy was me, it just didn't seem right.
The world around me was moving. Everyone was moving. I couldn't wrap my head around the fact that I wasn't moving with them. The feeling of loneliness was only a mere side effect of my depression. This was the time I found out nothing is also an emotion. Nothing was careless. I still get that feeling from time to time. Every task I had to do was pointless. Waking up in the morning was a burden with no purpose. I stopped lying to myself and stopped believing I had any chance of passing physics and algebra. The anger lessened, the sadness receded, and the thoughts of not wanting to live became more clear.
One Thursday night, I sent a text to my friends. Repeatedly, I text "I'm sorry" to them. I even text Casey. It was more of a direct message through Instagram. I didn't have his number. I knew what it was, I just never put it in my phone because I thought he didn't want anything to do with me.
Anyway, many of my friends and Casey replied, "for what?"
All I could say was "what do you see when you see me?" Not a single person answered. I wasn't sure about that night, but that was the week I knew I was going to kill myself.
Saturday of Memorial Day Weekend, I finally talked to Casey, through a direct message of course. He replied back "what's up?" I told him what was up. I was terrified to tell him that the last time I talked to him, I was also deciding when I was going to commit suicide. He was worried about me. When we got back to school, he asked how I was doing. For some reason, I told him I was fine. I also started talking about a chipmunk that died in my backyard. I don't know why, but my instincts told me to lie to him. I was still a wreck, and he still didn't know how I really felt about him. I was such an idiot after that, but I did become more comfortable talking to him. I knew I was weak, so weak I needed my friends to act as agents to "finish the job" for me.
I was okay with telling friends' crushes how they felt for them. I did not get that same treatment for my situation. Casey was more than a crush to me, but people who knew of my interest in him only saw his outer beauty. Since my conflict didn't seem like a real problem to other people, no one would tell Casey for me. One agreed to do it if I told their crush they liked them. I did my job, however, they didn't do theirs. Instead, they came up up to me and said "you have to do this yourself." I felt a little betrayed. That's a lie, I was angry and pissed.
I never told Casey how I felt about him (not sober at least). I never even came out to him. Honestly, I don't think I had to, he knew. At that point, it really didn't matter. I didn't think I deserved Casey. I eventually thought of him as a perfect sea god. I chose a sea god because of how blue his eyes typically were. I didn't see myself as an equal, but more inferior to him. He had done the many things I should have done in my life. Even in this present day, he is still a wonderful person. The infatuation over Casey was like an illusion that lasted for a long while. Due to that illusion, I didn't realize that the infatuation ended a lot sooner.
To be continued...