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Junior year was only the start of a new suffering. The effects of suffering were still finding their way. Many people don't think mental health issues can compare to physical health. They can effect the body in different ways that just aren't fair. Whether we're hurting in our heads or the rest of our bodies, we can all agree that the pain is real.
I already suffered from depression, kidney failure, and infatuations. Apparently, the universe did not think that was enough. The universe sent one more thing. Had this thing come first, it wouldn't have felt so bad. Instead, it came at one of the worst times in my life. It broke the illusion I was under for almost one year, but it didn't free me. It gave me a few seconds of reality. That thing was a realization.
I never told Casey that I liked him. Sure, he was beautiful, nice, ass was well earned, but fear was still a factor. I held back so many secrets because of fear, as you do. I thought I liked Casey all the way into my 12th grade year. That was because of an awful illusion. This kept me from realizing that the infatuation had ended. This wasn't like Malcolm. Casey didn't say anything hurtful or leave me a wreck. Luckily, I was already a wreck. I wish I had realized the infatuation was over sooner, but I did learn more self control over who I gained interest in. I became more comfortable talking to Casey, even if it only increased from never to barely. His voice was calming, I wasn't use to that. He's cool like that, so were his friends. One infatuation can mask another, and that's what it did. When Casey's door closed, his closest ally's door became more open.
Liking another man was already stressful. My stress and anxiety only went in one direction: Up. Things were already stressful and tense enough, but my mind figured developing feelings for Casey's friend would be something fun and easy to handle. This happened slowly, since the infatuation of Casey was technically still in effect. It was bad enough that I could barely look Casey in his eyes (which takes a lot of power, they're fucking beautiful). Falling for another guy that I most likely had no chance with was something I did not want to do again. Well, it didn't matter what I wanted. My mind was set, to Alec.
When I was first met Alec, he was looking around my school to see if he would attend. He was following Dex (another hot guy, gentle giant with a nice build, great ass, is super strong, and athletic) around campus. I met him for the first time in my Spanish class (I nearly fought the teacher, but she made everyone want to do that). I don't exactly remember whether he said "hi" first. My first words to him were something like "I'm not a bad person, I'm just having a bad day." He just did a nice chuckle and moved on. At the time, he had shaggy top hair. I didn't thinking much about him. He was just someone else who was visiting my school that I didn't think I'd ever see again. Months later, I saw him again. It turns out he chose to come to my school, probably because Casey there, but still cool.
When Alec first talk to me (by means of a conversation), I didn't know what to think. He was nice, soft spoken, and the most weird thing of all was that he talked to me. Like anyone at a new school, Alec looked shy as fuck. It probably took him a while too adjust, but I think he got use to the environment quickly. He was nothing like me. He has a face that was easy to talk to. He was cute, but I didn't think about him in that way. I was still getting use to the fact that he liked talking to me, even if we were seeing each other in passing. Eventually, I got use to him and liked his company. He became more open, as did I (for a brief second). Eventually, I got to the point where I saw him as a good friend.
When I become comfortable with someone, I begin to act a certain way. My intimacy level can change slowly or dramatically. I can be many different things around other people I'm cool with. Alec on the other hand, I didn't know how to act. In front of some people, I portray a very playful dog. Other people, I may be affectionate to. When I was around Alec, I didn't know what to do. Eventually, I started throwing my hat at him. It was something random I liked to do to people, but Alec the most. I never knew if he hated it, but he had this death look on his face two of the times I've done it. He kept that expression on his face for a second. When he realized it was me, his face was fun and sunshine again. I didn't know what to do with myself. That's how I announced my existence around him, by throwing my hat. I only threw at his face one time (accident), and almost got beaten by him one time (he thought I was a stranger trying to jump him, he calmed down when he realized it was just me). I hung around him in class. It wasn't my class. I just hung out in there next to him and other friends. He was cool with it, so was our English teacher. They just both feared me throwing my hat around. He was the most awesome person to be around, til other factors came to play.
Things were seeming better. I was full on use to Alec. I found out he has a huge goofball side to him. He has his fun and social side. He shared that with me for a while. It was nice when it was just me and him, but eventually, two of my closest acquaintances joined in. Anxiety and fear have been there for me for the longest time. Happiness and perseverance are around, but come at their own time. Remember, this is still during the period when I thought I was still infatuated over Casey. Even though that shouldn't have affected how I was around Alec, it did. Walking in passing again, Alec got my attention (yes, in an adorable way). I told him I was just walking around school waiting to for my parents to get me or I had to walk (my parents wouldn't be coming for another four hours). He offered me a ride home. I happily accepted. Then he mentioned he was giving Casey a ride as well. After that, I regrettably declined. He asked if I was sure. I wasn't, but I still said "yes." I ended up walking home, which took two hours.
After that day, I felt a little awkward around Alec, but I still liked being around him. It was great having a friend who was so open, kind, and adventurous (I considered him a friend at the time, he probably thought of me as the same, or an awkward living thing he associates with). When I saw him, I had to say something to him. The last normal conversation I had with Alec was the last day of junior year, his new haircut was great by the way. I think he was talking to a girl named Lindsey. She was cool too. I sort of let myself into the conversation. They didn't seem to mind. They were talking about finals and their hopes of not failing. Eventually, Alec's girlfriend came up.
I didn't think much about it, but a tiny bad feeling went through my body as he talked about her. I couldn't explain what I felt. I didn't think of Alec romantically, at least I thought I didn't. I mean, his girlfriend at the time must have been great. I don't think Alec would date some bitch. I left eventually, since the next round of finals were starting up, and he had to leave for Spanish (we would've had the same class, but I dropped it before I could officially start shit with the teacher). The thought of him having a girlfriend kept flying around in my head. Still, I didn't think much of it, nor did I understand why the thought of Alec was densely in my head at all. I hope he saw me as a friend, because after was when the shit storm truly started.
To be continued...