Falling for Your Best Friend

It honestly hurts when you lose a best friend—someone you could turn to when shit went bad; someone you could share funny moments with; someone that you could fall in love with.

Some may say, if someone fucks you over multiple times, to leave them be. That’s what I’m doing. I’ve given up. Does it hurt still? Hell yeah it does. When I’m constantly reminded of our past memories, I can’t run and hide from this. I can’t suppress these feelings I have. I’ve held them in for too long. She was my everything. We were not only best friends, but I considered her my sister; we protected one another like we were family. We were so close in high school that everyone thought we were dating. Yeah we’d hold hands, but it was just a friend thing. Yes, I developed a crush on her, but never once uttered a word to her, for I feared she didn’t feel the same.

It was the night before her 15th birthday. I had spent the night at her house. I confessed I had developed a crush on her and she said she felt the same. Then, the next day, she acted all weird and denied that she said she felt the same—said she didn’t remember. When I reminded her, she said she never said that. It broke my heart. After months of not talking, we randomly started talking again. That’s what we did. We’d stop talking for a few months, then one of us would start to really miss the other one and get in contact with each other. We were still close after school ended for the both of us, too. I talked to her daily. She was my person, then she started acting weird again, claiming she didn’t get any of my texts or phone calls.

She decided she was gonna go back to NY and not tell me. I found out through Facebook. She would constantly blow me off and I was just so sick of it, and yeah, of course, every now and then she comes across my mind. My feelings of love and lust are gone now and have been for quite some time, but I will always have a part of her with me. I don’t think I’ll ever have a best friend quite as good as her, but time will tell.

Some may say that not all friendships are meant to be forever, but I really thought we were gonna be together forever. I just don’t understand why she had to leave me. She abandoned me; left me behind like I was nothing. And here I am sitting here sad while she’s probably thinking fuck that bitch when I’ve done NOTHING to her. I broke rules for her. I took her in when she didn’t have a place to stay. I just don’t want to believe that it’s over. A part of me wants her still in my life, like, so badly, but I know this is for the better. I love her to death and probably always will, but if she were to message me saying she missed me and wanted me back in her life, I’d have to shut it down fast. I can’t be vulnerable because I don’t want this to keep happening. She probably thinks it’s OK to treat me like shit, then we’ll make up, eventually, but I can’t take any more heartbreak from her. I really can’t.