Humans is powered by Vocal.
Vocal is a platform that provides storytelling tools and engaged communities for writers, musicians, filmmakers, podcasters, and other creators to get discovered and fund their creativity.
How does Vocal work?
Creators share their stories on Vocal’s communities. In return, creators earn money when they are tipped and when their stories are read.
How do I join Vocal?
Vocal welcomes creators of all shapes and sizes. Join for free and start creating.
To learn more about Vocal, visit our resources.Show less
November 30, 2018
I’ve had the blessing and the curse this month of falling in love with my best friend.
This is the most scared I’ve been in a long time.
To tell him, not to tell him.
These are the questions that run through my head everyday.
A little back story:
I met him this year (so he hasn’t been a friend for that long), we’ve only known each other for about six months, and officially “besties” the past two months. During these past six months though I’ve probably hung out more with him than any of my other friends or best friends, and when we do hang out it’s pure bliss. I’ve never had anyone understand the parts of me that he understands. We laugh so hard I often cry, hold my belly in pain, and forget about the troubles of the world (if even for a short moment). We go on the most exciting adventures or feel completely at ease relaxing and watching "youtubes." We are vulnerable with each other and have been there for each other during times of grief and tears. We like so many of the same things but also offer each other new and interesting perspectives, ideas, and activities. I feel so comfortable around him, loved, and inspired. My whole body is tingling as I’m writing this. I love him so much.
Is that I’ve never really been in this situation of falling in love with a best friend before. We hang out so much and things are so fluid between us that it already feels like we are dating minus all the physical intimacy. Even though I want to express my truth and tell him how he’s got me in my feelings, I’m paralyzed by the thought that if I tell him and it isn’t reciprocated our friendship dynamic will change. I know this is the risk, and change is inevitable, but I’m not sure if it’s worth it. Of course I would love to cuddle him, kiss him, and share that new experience together, but our friendship means so much more to me, especially due to the fact that I’ve never had a friend that quite understands and loves the parts of me that he does.
The risk of not telling him though is never really knowing how feels. Does he feel what I feel? I will never know unless I’m honest with him about what’s going on with me internally. Another factor is that I’m currently dating and seeing other people, but every time I’m with them, hanging out or being physically intimate, I’m deep down wishing I was just hanging out with my bestie. I’ve never had this happen before. So I have the fear that I won’t be able to move on and find a loving relationship with someone else unless I express to him how I truly have been feeling.
Oh the woes of a conflicted heart.
I’ve been pondering all month whether I should tell him or not, and I believe that I should. Every time that we’ve hung out the past month I contemplate telling him, see if there is an opportune moment, and if there is, I plan an execution. But when the second comes that I know I have to do it, I chicken out. Cold sweat. Heart racing. Dashing eyes. Deep breathing. Calm myself down. Moment passes. He leaves. I’m left feeling like I frightened rabbit with an aching in my chest that I’ve been consumed by fear instead of love. Disappointment floods within me.
Tomorrow is the beginning of a new month though, a new energy awaits.