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Fuck buddy (FB), friends with benefits (FWB), no strings attached. All of these names are used to describe the same thing: casual sex without emotional attachment. Most common in metropolitan cities where people have more freedom and money, and less religious standards. One can not talk about FB without mentioning One Night Stand, which means to have casual sex once only. While FB is casual, One Night Stand is even more casual. It usually happens with drunken people followed with regret. FB is deeper, more thoughtful, and premeditated. It could be an extension of that one night stand if you don't regret it.
Let’s analyze the FB acronym. I deeply disagree with the name. Isn’t your lover your fuck buddy? Don’t you actually fuck him/her often? Yes, you do. So, FB should be called FBonly (FBO). That would confuse me less. Unless you never fuck your lover, you may disagree with me.
In actuality, many people practice this sex modality without even noticing. When you realize, you are in it! I take myself as example. I met a guy in a bar and as a girl with principles I debated when start having sex with him. Should I have sex on the first night? (Why not if I haven’t had sex in 4 months, I really deserve it; but what if he thinks I am a whore?) How many dates should I wait when I really want this person to be my partner? (Well, let me wait till he takes me to a nice dinner and prove me not to be stingy or cheap.) Let’s be friends. He looked so hot and it was so nice. I loved his manly voice and his beautiful smile! And so I persistently would go see him once a week on his night bartending job. Well, I thought to myself, let me refrain from my physical needy desires, and wait at least 3 dates. So much for the wait, when I finally took him home he turned out to be “a minute man.” As I always have hope on people I insisted on him. “Does he have premature ejaculation or is he just such a good boy who hasn’t had sex for a while and immaturely can’t control his mind?” Well, I wish that was the least of my issues. In fact, we met other times. And that’s all. Lust! How can you share with me your most private self, expose your naked body, your most dirty thoughts, an orgasm, the exchange fluids… and still I wonder what’s in your mind! Your favorite food, your dreams, your daily thoughts. Nada nada, it was all an enigma to me!
It is remarkable to me that I have become an FB. There is barely any cuddling, or time spent together other than in bed! There isn’t next day texting: “Hey, how was your day? Did you do well in your meeting presentation? Did your cold get better?” No, none of that! How can we sink our bodies, but not our minds? I have succumbed myself to a relationship solely of physical intimacy, while his mind remained a secret. Gosh, I've hated myself for that. I've felt used, dirty, betrayed, stupid, too forward. Begging for love, attention. Most importantly: OUT OF CONTROL.
My girlfriends tried to lift me up advising me to enjoy the moment, a la “carpe diem.” For the first time in my life I have fallen into the FB category. And so came the stereotypes. I have heard: “Ohh that’s what bartenders do. Oh, that’s what you get for getting a younger guy. Oh, that’s what you get for meeting guys in a bar.” But, I was a bartender and wasn't an FB adept. Are all the guys in their early 30s this way? What am I supposed to do? That’s where we meet people in NY: restaurants, bar, museums. Where else am I supposed to meet people if online is a failure, I don't belong to a church or community program? I disagree! Let’s stop stereotyping and connect the FB dots. So, unless you are ok with sex without emotion, be aware you are falling into an FB category if:
- There is not next day texting or any texting other than about sex.
- They're busy. An FB is always busy and it doesn’t have time to share with you.
- There is very little cuddling. After sex, we release the oxytocin hormone which makes you want to cuddle, to connect and get closer to each other,
- There is not social media sharing, let alone posting of each other.
I dare you, FB lovers, you can’t fall in love because you have been hurt and avoid getting emotionally closer to someone now. You are afraid and don't want to do any work. I bet you, the rewards of it are so much greater than anything. Everything falls back to intimacy. To have someone understand your mind is a different kind of intimacy, the one that entails falling in love, not just in lust!
FB adepts most of the times won't ask you: Do you want to be my FB? No, you will become one and when you ask for more than just sex and they will reply something like this: "oh I don't believe in monogamy blablabla, or I have just recently broken up with my ex and I need more time until I get into another relationship, or I just got the job of my dreams and I can't put time deserved into a relationship."
Sometimes we need to go through things to get over our system. I mean, you need to have one FB to understand what a relationship based on lust is. Pure physical. I see some people doing it but sooner than later one of them asks for more, and trouble in paradise arrives. I know that is doesn't work for me. But the world is filled with smart asses ready to scream "no strings attached" once you jump into sex too quickly. Remember, life is about balance, and when we lose the balance, we always lose something else! Let's measure the perfect amount of sex, love, and friendship!
After all, what is one without the other? Sex without love or love without sex? It is like rice without beans, french fries without ketchup, or movies without popcorn. It is just so wrong!!!