Falling, then Being Broken, by Love

I’m gonna make this as sweet as I can. Even though my tale isn’t sweet at all.

I met him at work, I won’t use names because even his name haunts me. We always shared glances at each other, then somehow exchanged Snapchats and it went from there.

Maybe it was his eyes every time he looked at me he looked right through me. Or that smile of his, oh I love his smile. Maybe it was how we clicked, or maybe we didn’t click but we just were for each other.

Idk what it was but I’ll start at the beginning. After a while of senseless snapchatting, we finally decided to hangout. I was living on my friend's couch at the time until my apt was ready for me to move in. Me and him cuddled and watched movies. Throughout the movies he kept tickling me, I hated being tickled but when he did it yes, it was cute. I gave in turning around knowing he was going to kiss me. That first kiss. I was hooked. He tasted like spearmint, and his smell is oh so intoxicating even though he wasn't wearing cologne. We kissed and kissed while the world kept melting away and every cell, every atom in my body I wanted to give to him. Until, my friend came home, I didn’t even know the door opened until she stepped inside, all I knew is I was going to see him again.

Our next encounter (outside of work of course) was just a night spent driving around showing each other music and stopping at a gas station to pee and get scratch tickets. We didn’t have much luck. But the evening was simple and nothing can compare to how amazing that car ride turned out.

After that we were back to the couch and that was the first time we gave ourselves to one another. It wasn’t glamorous, more like some high school basement kind of experience but it was exquisite. It wasn’t making love but I knew I needed him.

After that we hung out as much as we could. Of course we spent nights in hotels just being close to one another was enough and my friend's couch wasn’t big enough for two people. He was intoxicating. I lost myself in him. Perfection in its finest form.

After about a month and a half of being together we actually decided to be together, and make things official. I couldn’t have been happier. 7 whole months. That’s what I got. I thought it was gonna be forever, but I guess I can’t complain. In those 7 months we spent 2 apart, the rest either spending the night at my place or his. When he left then came back is when we realized that we loved each other. Oh how we loved each other. That’s when love made me fall, hard, and for the first time. We took turns cooking for one another. We climbed mountains. In my dark times he comforted me, even at my lowest. We sang together. Drank together. Showered together. Sometimes he needed his space so I gave it to him. But then he started complaining some space wasn’t enough space. And when I needed financial help he helped me, but then acted differently after. Like I was using him. When that wasn’t the case at all. He complained that we had nothing in common even though we shared a lot of interests. He said he wasn’t happy for a while but failed to tell me until the end. And that’s when love broke me.

The day he said it was over, is the day I broke. In a way I was already broken. My mental health isn’t the best and he helped me right around the time I was at my lowest point. And after he left, it felt like a part of me was missing. A part of me is missing and that part of me is him. Of course he brushed me off without a second glance. And if he can just brush off love then why can’t I? Why am I the only one that is suffering? Why am I broken? Lonely. Why am I the only that has nightmares and can’t fall asleep till 5 am? Why am I the one who still thinks about him every day even though I know he won’t ever think about me again? Because to him, I am nothing. To him I am a nice ass. To him I’m a steady supply of sex. But now he has other means for that. And I’m not even a thought in the back of his mind. That whole 7 months I didn’t see that when he said love he meant lust and when I have him my whole being he just gave me his appendage. There’s a reason they call it falling in love, because when you fall, you either land on soft grass and walk away, or you hit the hard stone, and break. I hit stone. And I don’t know if I’ll ever be whole again. But I do know one thing. I never wanna fall again. Cause even grass leaves stains on your clothes.