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Fear

A Journey to Love Part One

There I am, 22 years old, my world crashing down. You see when you are young and have yet to experience the world, it’s easy to believe that when something goes wrong it’s the end of the world. That’s exactly what I had believed. Along with that belief a fear began to rise up inside me. 

  Everything was going great. She had told me she loved me. I was convinced she was the one. I told myself I’ll never be happier than I am right now.  We talked for hours. Went to each other's homes. Loved the other's family. I thought I felt love before but nothing like what I felt for her.

 Then out of no where, nothing.  No calls. No texts. No contact what’s so ever. A week goes by before I finally hear from her again. I tell her I miss her. She say she’s sorry. I tell her I love her. She says she’s sorry. I ask why she hadn’t spoken to me in the last seven days and she tells me she loves another. 

Immediately I blame myself, thinking I did something to ruin my life. I ask her, what did I do wrong? She hangs up. I start to cry. 

I hide in my room so no one can see my anguish. My world falling apart.  Knowing that it’s my fault that I’m not as good as the other man that the woman I thought I’d spend the rest of my life with is allegedly in love with. 

  And the fear sets in. I am alone. I’m going to be alone. It’s happened before, and now it’s happened again. She broke up with me and I don’t know what I did wrong. 

A week goes by and the tears still fall. A month goes by and my friends take my mind off of it. Another month and now I’m getting good at hiding my pain. My fear soon gives birth to anger. I say to myself, you're going to find someone that’ll make her jealous. 

I turn to various social media. Get to know a few girls online. I get a few of their numbers and we exchange a few pictures. Nothing too serious. I’m starting to feel the smallest form of happy again. 

She calls me. Asks me if we can meet up and talk. I go running to her. I’m excited because she’s giving me a chance. We spend the day together. Go for a walk, laughing and smiling. Then she sees another girl's name on my phone. She yells and storms off. And I know that it’s really done. 

Two years go by and I’ve dated a few girls. But no one ever made me feel like I was in love. I’m afraid of growing old and being alone. I am desperate to fall in love. 

I get reacquainted with an old classmate of mine.  We have a good time and I decided that I’m going to go for it. I’m going to ask her out. My fear takes over and I never actually ask. Her birthday comes around and I get her a small gift that I know she’ll love. We’ve been hanging out. We go to a movie, I give her the gift. We go back to her apartment where we play video games in her room. She falls asleep, and a few minutes later I drift off. 

I get a call from work early the next morning asking me to cover a shift.  Nothing had happened with her so I agree and I leave the apartment and begin my drive home. I take the next week off for my best friend's bachelor party and wedding. Halfway through the ceremony I have an epiphany. They never had to try to find each other. They met by chance and completed one another perfectly. 

I decide then and there that I will give up on love. When it happens it happens. We all have a good time. We drink, we dance, and for the first time in a long time, I feel unburdened.

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Fear
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