Feelings & Fears

I hate feeling like I’m giving my all to someone who’s already given their all to someone else.

There’s not a specific reason I feel this way towards my significant other, but I do...and so often, too.

I hate my bursts of depressive episodes, and while they’re sometimes due to my ongoing stress and crippling responsibilities, often they occur because I am alone and left with all of my thoughts.

I feel like I am taken for granted sometimes.

I realize that it is selfish of me to want all of him, but I can’t help it. I want all of him and I want to not feel sick whenever I think about his past with other girls and the feelings he once held for them.

I know I must seem crazy, and I know that I am being unfair. There was even a time in my life where I was committed to someone else for two years, gave them some of the best parts of me, and even imagined a whole future with them.

I really get it. I do.

But I cannot prevent myself from being selfish. I have inner turmoil about my feelings and how I should act upon them because, while on one hand, I feel like lashing out would make me feel better, ultimately I would be in the wrong and would cause more damage than good.

I hate thinking about how he sometimes doesn’t even try with or for me anymore.

He doesn’t try to impress me, he doesn’t try to spend as much time with me, he doesn’t try to show me off or brag about me, and he doesn’t try to spoil me anymore.

Don’t get me wrong, those aren’t necessary things for a relationship, and he still does those things occasionally, but often it’s after I’ve been beating around the bush for him to do so.

It’s so embarrassing having to ask for attention from someone, especially someone you give all of your attention to.

I wish he did things for me not because he feels obligated to or because I ask him to, but because he genuinely wants to.

I understand that I am unbelievably needy and that I need a ridiculous amount of reassurance and I understand that the way I am can really be annoying, although I genuinely try not to be.

With the way things are, I feel unappreciated or taken for granted and it’s sad because there was a time where he made me feel like his whole world. I know he still loves me and I realize he wouldn’t want to lose me, but it’s almost as if we’re in a permanent stalemate in our relationship.

Due to him, realizing my level of commitment with him, and my inability to ever leave him, he subconsciously knows that he doesn’t have to prove himself or try as hard to keep me.

It’s depressing.

Which leads me back to one of my biggest issues: past loves.

I hate thinking about how once his mind used to be filled with other girls and how he used to give them his undivided attention when I have to constantly ask for it.

I hate thinking about how he would do anything and everything for these other girls when sometimes doing something for me is such a burden.

I hate feeling like a burden, even if he doesn’t intentionally mean to make me feel that way. It makes me feel like the smallest thing on earth. I would almost rather disappear than feel that way.

Now don’t get me wrong; he is wonderful and truly cares for me, but he isn’t the best at showing it and he doesn’t always make me feel like he loves me, although deep down, I’m sure he does.

He has supported me, but I wish it felt like he wanted to rather than that he has to.

I am in a constant state of feeling annoying or petty, and I hate it so much. I feel miserable sometimes, particularly at night.

I feel mentally unhealthy and I want nothing more than to feel better.

I would love to be able to talk to him about it and see if that would make me feel better, but more often than not, when I discuss my feelings with him or something that is upsetting me, it leads into an argument or a discussion about something else that leaves him angry and me more hurt or upset than before.

I almost always feel better bottling up everything inside rather than expressing myself to him because I feel like there’s always a huge misunderstanding.

I hate talking about my feelings, because unless I’m crying, he becomes angry or upset with me. It’s so unfair and painful to not be allowed to feel or express my feelings, rather.

I feel so guilty all the time, just for having emotions.

And I know that he doesn’t mean to do it, but he still does, and it still hurts me, and that’s not okay.

While I have grown more sensitive over time, he has unfortunately grown more insensitive, and it’s really difficult for us to communicate or relate to one another.

On top of my emotional issues, I have a low self esteem and I always have. It’s hard to believe because I always come off as a happy-go-lucky person who is often goofy, but there is more depth to me than people realize.

Everyone has depth to them. I always think about that, because after reflecting on how I know myself and how others know me, I see that people can hide a lot of their depth and I know that I don’t truly know what someone else’s real depth is.

While I am not claiming to be “deep” there is definitely a lot more to me than what meets the eye.

I constantly bully myself with mean thoughts and comments. I constantly compare myself to other girls, especially girls I know were once involved with my significant other. They are all truly beautiful—far more beautiful than I am.

I am not begging for attention or compliments. I know I am not the most unattractive person, but I am also not the most attractive person. But these girls I compare myself to are exceedingly beautiful and I am too often jealous or envious of them and it’s so wrong to feel that way.

If I didn’t harbor a strange jealousy towards these girls, I would probably want to be their friend. And it’s crazy, I know it is, I have no reason to be jealous because he is no longer with them and he is with me. They probably don’t think about him and he probably doesn’t think about them...Yet I obsess over them all the time and can’t seem to get them, or thoughts of them with him, out of my head.

It’s so immature and I am so ashamed of the way I feel.

It feels good to express this all, and maybe, just maybe, he’ll read this without becoming angry...maybe it will open up a painful conversation topic for us that we need to have before things start to get better for me emotionally...maybe one day, I’ll feel beautiful and loved.

For now though, all I hope for is that he loves me more than I think he does and that he thinks about me more than I realize.

We are a little dysfunctional, but I love him.

And I mean that with every fiber of my being.