Fifty Shades of Nope

I was set up by a friend of mine to go on this blind date with this guy she knew through work. At first, I thought, gee, I must be desperate. But then after I thought about it, it would be nice to go out and have a guy treat me to a nice dinner. It had been a while since I went on a date and what could it hurt? I wasn’t looking for true love.

Kyler was his name, I’ll never forget the moment before I opened my door I could smell the marijuana through the peep hole. I couldn’t believe this guy just got high before our date. I was really regretting this decision, but I gave him the benefit of the doubt and hoped that it wouldn’t turn out as horrible as his stench.

He asked me where I wanted to go for dinner and when I replied, “Didn’t you make a reservation somewhere?” He looked at me and his glossy red eyes looked at me dead on and said, “No, I thought the girl was supposed to do that.” Wow, this guy is a keeper. I looked at him with disgust and said, “okay, well I guess we can just go to a chain restaurant.” He said, “dope, I have this one really chill spot I like to go. Do you wanna check it out?” I knew this couldn’t be good. I felt my voice come up and say 'sure,' like vomit.

We drove for a few minutes and then he said. “Here we are,” as we pulled into the parking lot at a Chili’s. I guess it could’ve been worse, he could have taken me to the Sonic across the street. We got out and ordered dinner. We had an interesting conversation about the new Star Wars movie that just came out, which was decent. I guess he was surprised that a gal like me knew about it, let alone watched the films. The waitress came up and said we can pay on the little Ziosk thing or she could take it when we were ready. I looked over at Kyler and he was looking for his wallet. He looked up at me and said, “Oh dang, I forgot to grab my wallet off the counter before I left. Do you mind?” He gestured to the check that was sitting right in front of us. I rolled my eyes and said, “Sure, why not, it’s not like we’re on a date or anything.” He said, “Wait, I thought we were on date?” I just rolled my eyes and swiped my debit card.

We walked back to the car and he said, "Hey I know I haven’t been the best date tonight, but let me make it up to you.” In my head I thought great, what else I am going to have to pay for? But then Kyler told me to get in he was going to take me somewhere special. I thought whoa, he’s actually going to take me to Sonic across the street, isn’t he?

To my surprise we came up to a fence with a sign that said Lake Minnequa. Hmm… a lake; what could we possible be doing here? We drove up to this beautiful house, huge glass windows that were lit up from inside. I was impressed. I said, “Is this your house?” He looked at me and said, “Yeah, I just inherited it from my rich ass grandpa who died inside.” I nodded my head up and down and thought, yep, I figured there was something wrong with it. “Wanna go inside?” he said. I said sure, and we got out and walked to the door.

When we walked in, I thought it was going to be messy and smell like weed. Nope, it was actually really nice and smelled like it had been cleaned previously. He walked over to the kitchen and said, "What’s your poison? We have just about anything and everything. My gramps collected alcohol; he could never drink to piss my Nana off.”

I said, “Um, a jack and coke is fine, if you have it.”

“Coming right up.”

He came over and handed me my drink, we sat on the couch and talked about anything and everything. One drink lead to two, and two led to three and more. I found myself physically attracted to this guy. He was a hidden gentleman, or so I thought. We started kissing one first base led to two and little bit of three. He then said, “let’s go upstairs.” At first, I was hesitant but then I said why not. He led me up the stairs to his bedroom. The first thing I saw when I walked in was ropes handing from the ceiling. I asked what the rope was for and to this very day I regret asking. Kyler looked at me with a smile and said, “it’s a sex swing. Want to try it out? I just finished cleaning it.” I looked at him and said, “no thanks, maybe next time.” He led me over to the bed and we continued to kiss while he was on top of me.

This was going smoothly I thought until he said, “Tie me up with this.” I looked over and he was handing me a black silky piece of fabric that looked like it came from a robe. I questioned him, and he said, “Tie me up and tell me I’ve been bad.” I looked at him with questionable gestures from my face. “Why do you want me to tie you up and tell you that?” He looked at me and said, “You’re not into BDSM? Chole said you’d be down to do it.” I looked at him and said, “I think I need the restroom first, where is it?” He pointed me in the direction and I went and got an Uber ASAP! It said 5 minutes. Great, I’ll just pretend I got sick from the crappy restaurant.

I stood inside the bathroom and he yelled from the room, “are you okay?” I said, “Yeah I’m fine I think I got sick from the restaurant. Let me clean up for you okay?” He sounded excited when he told me he had some straps to choke him with when I got out. I then said, “Hey can I get in your shower, I feel a tad dirty. It won’t take me long.” He said, “Sure! I’ll be waiting.” I couldn’t bring myself to have him see me walk out and leave because he freaked me out on the first date. So, I gave in a bit and said, “you know what would really turn me on. If you blindfolded yourself and tied yourself up.” I could hear him scrambling toward the door in excitement. He said, “Okay! That would be perfect!”

I heard him rustling around on the bed and so I quickly turned on the water. My phone alerted me that my Uber was here, so I said, “Are you blindfolded? I’m going to shower with the door open.” He quickly replied, “Yes I can’t see. I can’t wait to hear the water run down your body. I’m getting excited just thinking about it.” I opened the door just a crack to peak to see if he was lying. He wasn’t, so I quickly ran out and down the stairs. I grabbed my purse off the kitchen island and ran out the door.

I was so glad to see my Uber driver. That was the worst date I had ever been on.

#MyWorstDate