Figuring Out Sexuality

The Beginning

For those of you who don't know me, and by that I mean all of you, I come from a country where the word gay was never used. Not only did I never hear it, but I was unaware of what it meant. Now you can put two and two together, and realize that if no one ever spoke of being gay, then being bisexual was definitely unheard of. A couple of years back I moved to this beautiful country, and learned everything about the LGBTQ+ community. I was proud to call myself a straight ally. The only problem with that was that I was not as straight as I thought. It took me a while to figure myself out, but I'm happy and extremely proud that I got to a place where I can undoubtedly say that I am in fact bisexual, even though the journey to those words was rather hard.

The Realization

I liked boys all my life; it was the only thing I knew, and for me there was never another way—that was just the way things were. Many people don't realize how hard it is for bisexuals to come to terms with their sexuality, because since they've liked the opposite sex all their life they just assume they're straight without even asking themselves if there could be a possibility of them also liking the same sex. Now if I were to choose the exact moment when it all hit me, it was probably watching Riverdale, and realizing I was looking at Cheryl Blossom, and feeling things I hadn't before. The first thing that came to my mind was "No you're straight, she's just really pretty, everyone would feel that way towards someone so pretty." My first instinct was sadly to, by any means possible, convince myself that whatever I thought I was feeling was not true. Even though my subconscious knew it was bound to happen, and that I had liked girls my whole life, I still tried my best to convince myself otherwise.

The Denial

After the realization that maybe I was into girls, there came following months full of anxiety, doubt, and depression, but honestly I wouldn't change them for the world, because they led to who I am today. The first weeks I just tried avoiding those thoughts, I tried convincing myself that I knew I was straight, but my mind was always asking me "what if you do like girls?"

After a lot of thinking and self-reflection I came to terms with who I was, because I knew it deep down, so I accepted I was bisexual, at least for a few weeks. After accepting the fact that I did like girls, I then doubted if I ever liked guys at all. I mean maybe I was a lesbian and not bisexual. Then I would realize that I had liked guys so maybe I was straight, wait no bisexual, wait what if I'm a lesbian, no definitely bisexual. I feel obliged to say all of this happened during my SAT's, so, you know, super fun. I remember feeling horrible, because even when I came to terms with being bisexual I would ask myself, "what if you realize later that you are straight and you've been lying all this time." It was hard, but as time passed somehow I felt more comfortable looking at girls, flirting with the ones I knew were gay. I felt more me, and it was the best feeling in the world. It was as if I was holding myself back, so when I realized that, I finally was able to proudly say "oh, I am most definitely bisexual."

The aftermath

Now I laugh about ever thinking I was straight, and ponder on things I used to do that should've been kind of hints as to who I was. I remember blasting Hayley Kiyoko's "Girls like Girls" in my bedroom while telling myself I was definitely straight. I would get disappointed if on a TV show a girl would end up with a guy, and turn out to be straight when I was crossing my fingers hoping she was either gay or bi (I mean who did I think I was fooling).

I told my story of how I found myself, hoping that whoever reading this knows it's okay to doubt, it's okay to feel confused and lost, because everyone needs to go through their own uncomfortable journey to figure themselves out, and believe me, at the end you will.