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Relationships and breakups are a part of life, and they are a part of life that I know only too well. This ranges from breakups with friends to breakups with partners.
Through all of these experiences I always found myself in a dark place thinking that I could never come back from it. However, I always found a way.
My first proper boyfriend was when I was sixteen and I adored him! I thought he was the salt of the Earth and that he could do no wrong. Our relationship had a rocky start with outside parties trying to get involved or trying to get their opinion about us heard. We worked through this period and proved to people we were a good match, which at the time we were.
However, as our relationship progressed I found myself having some issues. I would get insanely jealous over nothing and I would try and spend every second I had with him. At the time I thought that this was because I loved him but in hindsight, I know that this was because I was so scared of losing him and paranoid about him straying that I felt if we were never apart these things wouldn't happen.
In the end, this behavior became too much for him and I now see that I was a complete nightmare and have apologized to him profusely about this, not in an effort to win him back but to make sure he knew that I realized what I had been doing was wrong. He never strayed but he did ,however, end our relationship.
For a long time after I pined after him and tried to change myself to win him back. This did not work so I tried to revert to the person I was before we had started our relationship. This also did not work because I was not that girl anymore. I was now someone who I didn't even recognize painted with grief, paranoia, and jealousy. At this point, several months after the breakup, I realized that it was more important to step back and heal myself.
I did many things to try and fix myself. I reconnected with friends I had left behind for the boy, went on a fitness rampage, and redecorated myself and my bedroom. All of these things helped to distract me but I still had a feeling deep inside that I was keeping suppressed because it said that I was still doing all of this for him. And I was. I was trying to create a new girl that he could fall in love with. However, I didn't mind because it was such a small fragment of my mind telling me this so I shut it out and carried on. As time went by, the voice got quieter and I felt myself settling. I started to feel at home with myself again. When I looked in the mirror I didn't see a strange girl anymore I saw myself and that feeling can never compare to anything.
I knew I needed to do one last thing though and it was the hardest thing I would have to face in the process of moving on. I knew I would only truly find peace with myself once I had forgiven him and let him go. He still wanted to be my friend so it was easy to get him to come and talk. I took him up to our favorite spot on the hills and we sat and talked for hours about anything and everything. I explained to him that I needed closure and he understood and made it very easy for me. I told him all the things I was too scared to in our relationship and he listened and wiped my tears away when they came. Six hours later we walked back down the hill, hugged and went our separate ways.
As I walked away I felt my grief and anger leave me and though they had sunk into the Earth where we had sat. I also knew that a little piece of my heart had been left in that place for him and I was happy for it to stay there because that's where it belonged.
I still think of him sometimes but not in sorrow. I think of the happy memories we created and how he played a part in making me a better person.