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Finding My Ping

How I Came to Understand My Gender Identity

By Andy FordPublished 6 years ago 2 min read
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Growing up in a mostly male family, I didn't really see myself as different at first. I loved video games, monster trucks, and roughhousing with my cousins, but I also liked dresses and the color pink like the girls on TV, so I figured that was all there was to being a girl.

But then, I started school. It was difficult for me to befriend girls because our interests just didn't line up. With the guys, I was able to befriend them more easily, but some wouldn't play with me just because I dressed in a girly way.

I got used to everyone calling me a tomboy, and at the time I thought that was all it was—but I still found myself feeling... Different. I didn't understand why.

That is, until second grade when I watched Mulan for the first time. That was when I realized that I wasn't just a tomboy—I wanted to "Be a man!"

Thus began one of the most confusing times for my parents as I suddenly declared that I absolutely hated dresses, skirts, and the color pink and refused to wear any of them, so they had to basically buy me a whole new wardrobe because that was all I had. (Sorry, Dad and Catt)

From then on I stuck to t-shirts and jeans, and I did my best to never express my feminine interests cause I didn't want anyone to see me as a Mulan. I wanted everyone to see me as a Ping.

It wasn't until fifth grade that I heard the word "transgender" for the first time. But when I went to Google about it, I read plenty of articles/blogs about how transitioning is expensive, permanent, will take years of treatment to look passable, you will most likely be rejected by everyone you know, and finding jobs and love will be extremely difficult.

Then I found news reports of transgender people being attacked, assaulted, raped, and even killed for no reason except that they were different. In many of the reports back then, they would even still refer to the transgender with the wrong pronouns.

Needless to say, I was scared. I kept quiet about how I felt, even online. I did my best to just be a tomboy. For years I continued to do this to myself until finally, I had enough.

At the age of 18, I finally came out as transgender. All of my friends accepted me and most of my family did as well—even my aunt that once gave me a talk about how "white people and black people don't belong together" after I told her about my crush on a black friend in sixth grade.

I was lucky that, despite living in Texas, almost everyone I knew and loved was pro-LGBT. And honestly, I wish I came out sooner.

But nonetheless, I had finally found my Ping, and I named him Andy.

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