Finding Yours

I was recently in a relationship that was rather short lived. Why? Good question. The relationship started when I was talking to a guy on this dating site. I have met many decent people on it, but thus far had no luck getting dates. This was my first. As a woman I must admit I was a bit terrified. Add onto the relentless nerves of meeting someone for the first time and the dangers of meeting an online person in real life, there is also the fact that I have no car. That meant that if I could not get a ride there he would be coming to pick me up. That would mean he would know where I live.

Here is my problem with that. I have been stalked repeatedly, some going so far as to threaten my friends to get my attention. I carry knives with me everywhere and never dress in heals or skirts too high or pants too tight so that I can always defend myself if need be. Nevertheless I have encountered more than my fair share of...let's just say unfortunate events. I wasn't exactly eager to create a potential similar circumstance.

Luckily for me I live with a friend and her boyfriend who do own a car and happened to be free that night. We doubled. I was grateful to have her there to break the ice and keep me calm. I had support. Unfortunately this was also a bit of a bad thing. A few months prior I had been raped. Needless to say it was something I hadn't quite dealt with on an emotional level yet. If I'm being honest I still haven't. The perpetrator was a man I had met at the only club in town, and my roommate—in all her genius— decided to suggest going clubbing. I repeatedly refused and eventually had to explain why.

That was a great conversation to have on a first date.

Luckily for me my date was very understanding about it...or at least at the time I thought it was lucky. As days passed we began to spend a great deal more time together. I was overjoyed. There was just one problem. He kept asking questions. He wanted to know more about what happened. Details. He kept asking about the how and the when and the where. Each time he asked he would try to make me go more in depth. As most of us know, this was a huge red flag.

Later, he tried to convince me to let him buy me clothes. While many would be happy with this, I was not. I prefer to do things on my own. As such I said no. Over and over and over again. He was drunk at the time so I just let it go. Unfortunately he did not. We got into another argument just a day later over the same topic and he says, "Where I'm from we have a saying. Eat for you wear for others." He wanted me to dress for him, wear what he wanted to see me in. Now if we had been in a long-term relationship I may have considered it...we had been dating for less than two weeks...yeah.

I tell this story because I think it's important for people to know something. Many would have stayed with this man because he was going to take care of them. They would have been pleased and excited. Here's the thing though, when a person wants to change the little things about you (the way you say something, what kind of shirt you wear, the music you listen to) that early in a relationship, how do you think they are going to be later on? Yes, they'll take care of you, but what will they demand in return?

People are too selfish to do something for nothing. What you need to look at is what they want in return, and what you want. If someone wants you to change, they don't want you. You know you're loved based on what they other wants. When they love you they will want seemingly little things. A smile, a laugh, a hug, a kiss. They will want things they know you will give, and they will never demand it. Coming home to the smell of food, the sound of laughter, a holiday spent together, a night in each other's arms. This is what a true relationship is. It's doing things, big or small, in exchange for the simple little things that we all seek.

You and your partner will have your own little things that are not in any of these lists that you use to speak, to understand. Look for that in your relationship; let that determine where you are and where you want to go. That is the base of healthy relationships.

At least in my experience :)