Five Must-Have Conversations Before Dating and Marriage—That You Never Considered

I’m SUPER inspired to write this post for you all! There’s a few conversations that mostly everyone knows you should talk through, but what about those less observed conversations that are equally important? We all know someone (or have had our own experiences) where there was something we wished we had known before getting involved.

Some of these include:

• Kids (Do you want any? Does your prospective partner?)
• Money (How important is saving? Will we both try to work? Etc.)

BUT THESE ARE NOT THE ONLY IMPORTANT CONVERSATIONS YOU SHOULD HAVE.

There’s several important components to a relationship and, of course, we know no two relationships are exactly alike. Out of the list of my past relationships, I really analyzed the ins and outs of each, and also why each of them eventually ended. It was clear as ice—each relationship had key values (that I had not yet thought of or cared to discover) underwhelmed.

What do I mean?

There were factors in each relationship that ultimately led me to feel like “I don’t want this anymore” or “this isn’t working,” and ultimately, once I had made up my mind it was set.

The first comes from one of my earliest long-term relationships. We’re still friends to this day, and he was (and still is) a wonderful person. Having grown up in a broken home and having extremely low self-esteem, I was unbalanced and unsure of myself. At the age of 16, I didn’t have the mental capacity and perspective to overcome these feelings of inadequacy—which ultimately led to me destroying our relationship and ending it all together.

1. Are you good?

NO, not the in passing.

No one: “How are you?

Me: “Oh, I’m good!”

LIKE ARE YOU REALLY GOOD? How is your mental foundation? Are you mostly confident? (And I say mostly because everyone has those days.) Are you solid? I say this because building a foundation for a brick home on a bed of straw just doesn’t work. It may work for a while—or even a lifetime—BUT it most likely will not be as fulfilling as it could be. This is a conversation you need to REALLY have with yourself. What sparks your jealousy? When you compare yourself to others, what are you thinking about?

2. How will our friendships be?

I say this is an important conversation because it’s not something that seems like an immediate priority—but it is. How many friends have you had (maybe you were the friend) who got the new fling and ditched the girls? Or stopped bromancing? I mean, don’t feel completely bad because it’s mostly human nature to ONLY want to connect with whatever’s current infatuation entails. What is often seen happening is down the road—I’m talking usually years—you slowly start to realize you aren’t as close with your peeps… who do you have to turn to? What follows this is usually an unhappiness within the relationship because you either despise yourself for letting it happen OR you despise the partner for being the infatuation that took over your life.

I’m not saying sit down and make a definitive plan—but it is nice to, at some point before you’re madly in-love, discuss what it is that is valuable to you. If you really value your friendships, make it known so that this doesn’t rear its ugly accidental head in the future.

The KEY here is just putting your values on the table. THIS INCLUDES FAMILY RELATIONSHIPS TOO! One of my longest relationships (almost four years) eventually fell apart because I couldn’t handle the family’s judgement any longer. I ran to the next relationship looking for acceptance instead—and OMG that’s a WHOLE different story.

Which brings me to number three.

Forget the friends for a second...

3. What about you?

This is important because we have a tendency to “fall in love”—errr infatuation with people before really knowing the core of who they are, what they stand for, their family background, etc. Before I jumped into the most traumatic relationship of my life, I was steadily attending my local church, super involved, and super happy. When I ended the relationship only one year later, I was completely lost, broken, and insecure. It wasn’t his fault though, I was the one that allowed myself to go to that place. I’m not suggesting I deserved the treatment, but I definitely didn’t have a clear view of the values I wanted to hold onto, and was too willing to give those up for this “love.”

4. What about the home?

GUYS! AND GALS! PEOPLE OF ALL COLORS, GENDERS, AND MORAL MAKEUP! THIS IS THE BELL RINGER OF ALL FIVE ON THIS LIST!

What to do with your home? Do you both enjoy hosting gatherings of friends and family? Are one of you anti-social and the other a social magnet? I’m 100 percent blessed that my husband and I both enjoy having people over, but we do differ still. I prefer short gatherings. Once it’s been five hours or so, I’m ready to call it quits and recluse into my pajamas—or a braless tank top. No makeup. Vee-jay out and about—seriously. I like to just let myself go... and obviously I can’t in front of company! That would be a social no-no. :/

My husband, on the other hand, almost always wears clothes of some sort—AND he could be up all night smoking cigars and hanging out with the guys. He just doesn’t get socially tired like I do.

Why is this important? BECAUSE YOU SHARE THIS HOME. When or if you decide to have kids, it becomes harder to leave the house (one at a time) or pay a babysitter while you go out and let loose (in whatever way you do). So being on the same page about the level of use your home gets with company is a HUGE plus and can avoid a ton of different arguments down the road. Think about it.

Fiiiiiiiiive Golden Rings, AKA...

5. The Five-Year Plan

I am only putting this on the list because most of us aren’t think about a five-year plan with someone. It’s usually casual infatuation, or not so casual—just going with the flow. STOPPPPP DOING THIS. I recently heard a guy talk about his girlfriend saying he doesn’t want to have kids with her. This chick literally WANTS HIS BABIES, and he isn’t for it. Now savvybaby, if your partner is lying to you—you just won’t know. But you should at least sit down and discuss what your five-year plan would be like as an individual. Don’t include your partner in the scenario, for just one minute. Really think about your life and ALL that you want it to be in five years. Now insert said “partner.” Does your picture drastically change? Do you like it better or worse? Is it indifferent?

This only works if you’re 100 percent honest with yourself. Again, I was lucky to have a husband that just wants to be where I am. Why? Because he’s from Texas, and I’m from Florida. Our homes are roughly 25 hours (in a car) away from each other. Neither of us luckily care too much about where we live—BUT could you imagine???? What if it was VERY important for both of us to be near family?

How would this impact your life? Talk about it.

Alright, let’s wrap this up because in the days of technology, science is “proving” our attention spans are lessening and stress is rising. Hopefully, I’ve given you a little bit of tea to sip on as you plunge into your summer flings.

Until next time!

xoxo

Ashley R.

IG: @mrs.ashleymrodriguez