Five Weeks of Healing

Today is a special day for me. Not only because it's my birthday but it's also somewhat of a rebirth day as well. Not in a religious sense but definitely spiritual.

Exactly 5 weeks ago, I was in the deepest and darkest place I ever could have imagined. My heart was broken by the man I loved and I no longer wanted to live. Death was the only option to end the pain. Believe me, I exhausted all other options before deciding that, but it was hopeless.

I sit here tonight, glad that I wasn't successful in my attempt. I think about how many lives I would have destroyed. Even the failed attempt changed things and people around me. Maybe forever.

I felt every emotion known to man during the last five weeks. Maybe even some not known to man. Mostly I felt like it was all my fault and what a horrible and fucked up person I must have been to make the man I loved and wanted to be forever with, decide one day– without warning or even really an explanation– that he no longer wanted a future with me. I was completely blindsided. I didnt even have a hint that it was coming. We had barely ever even had any arguements. My world crumbled.

I was dealing with pain, love, confusion, anger, hurt, frustration and guilt and so so much self-loathing. I couldn't take it anymore.

After being released from the hospital, I walled myself off from everyone around me. I avoided all social media (except to obsess and stalk him). I pushed away family. I didn't make appointments to get professional help like I was supposed to.

I didn't want their help. I wanted to feel every gut-wrenching sob and taste all the salty tears as they slid down my face, without having to hear, "It's going to be okay." I deserved this because it must have been all my fault. I somehow pushed him away and made him not want to be with me anymore.

I didn't want to talk about my feelings to anyone. Well, anyone except him. If I could just get him back, the pain would end and my heart could resemble what it once did, then all would be great again. I was even willing to take any leftovers he'd toss at me, just to have him back in my life in any way he would give me. He was in complete control of my emotions.

It was my addiction and he was my drug of choice. Then he cut me off cold turkey and I needed another hit badly just to feel "high" again. The withdrawals were horrendous.

But he wasn't there for me so I was left to suffer the pain alone. I swore I'd never feel happiness again. I cried three weeks straight, off and on, every damn day. I couldn't sleep, couldn't eat, barely could force myself to shower. Not only was I destroyed mentally and emotionally but my body was physically shutting down as well. I was just existing and I wished at the time that I wasn't. I had a complete mental breakdown. I was in mourning.

We had dreams of a future together. We talked about a house in the woods. Just us and nature. Basking in the warmth of unconditional love and passion. Making love every chance we had.

We talked about all the obstacles we would face as we moved forward to our "forever" and how we were strong enough and in love enough to overcome them together.

We made so many promises to each other. I believed them all.

I told him things I never shared with anyone. He knew about my past. He knew about my insecurities and deepest fears (being hurt by people). He knew I was overly sensitive and fragile and lived with horrible anxiety because of my past. He loved my sensitive nature. My huge and loving heart. He would never abandon me or hurt me, he promised. In fact, he was going to spend the rest of his life making sure I overcame the insecurities of my past.

Every day, in the beginning, he reminded me how beautiful, sweet, amazing, sexy, and fun I was. He charmed me and I felt alive again. Fairly quickly, I took the shield off my heart that guarded me from most people and gave myself to him fully. I felt naked and vulnerable but I believed and trusted in "us".

The day he dumped me, he not only broke my heart, he broke every promise he ever made to me and erased the future we had so lovingly planned together. In an instant, it was all gone and I was left holding what was left of my heart.

About two weeks into my heartbreak, I decided to turn my pain into anger. I thought if I could just take all this emotion and turn it into anger towards him for what he had done to us, then I'd no longer love him anymore and that would end the pain. It worked for about four days. At least I thought it was. I wasn't happy or feeling any better during those four days but I wasn't crying as much either so it felt like progress to me. After four days, I reached out to him again, after my 100th promise to myself I wouldn't, no matter what.

For about the next three and a half to four weeks, we would decide to try and be friends. It was almost always me that initiated contact and begged for at least his friendship. We'd try it, then we would fight, yell, and end up hurt again. Or, the worst by far, he'd just totally ignore my texts and messages for days at a time causing my pain and anxiety to spike. Then we'd be civil in text one day and I'd beg again to try the friendship thing one more time. Over and over. Again and again.

I was weak and incredibly pathetic and I knew it but I couldn't stop myself. I was no closer to healing because of this vicious back and forth mindfuck but I was closer to throwing in the towel and finally letting him go forever.

And then I had an epiphany.

First, I wasn't healing or doing myself any favors by replacing pain with anger. I didn't love him any less, as I thought I would, so despite the anger, I still felt the pain. I had in fact only made things worse for myself. I was trying to bury one emotion only to replace it with another. I failed at it.

But the most important thing I realized? None of this was my fault. I wasn't abusive or mean. I didn't lie to him or cheat. It wasn't because I wasn't pretty enough, funny, or smart enough (those thoughts ate away at my heart and soul).

It wasn't my fault. I wasn't to blame and I definitely didn't do anything to deserve it. There was nothing I could have done to prevent it or save our relationship either.

I wasn't perfect but I was kind, sweet, and loving at all times towards him. I did anything he asked. I defended him if anyone said anything even slightly negative about him. I had made so many sacrifices to him and still had a million more I was willing to make. I loved him fully and completely. The only time I was unkind was after he broke up with me and I lashed out in pain. Even then, I regretted my behavior.

So I realized this breakup wasn't my fault. In fact, it wasn't about me at all. It was all on him. His own desires or insecurities. Once that thought finally came into my head, it was then I really started to heal. I started healing quickly in fact.

Now at five weeks, I'm excited about the future again. I'm laughing and joking around with friends and family again. I've been making and going to doctor appointments. I don't even care if he's in my life anymore or not. I no longer need him.

I don't hate him. In fact, I still love him and believe I always will. I even forgave him. I had to let go of the anger to let go of the pain. Once I did that, it started a chain reaction of healing emotions one by one. I'm not even sad anymore.

Looking back now, it probably wouldn't have worked long term anyway and the pain would have been far worse then. I ignored red flags while we were together that now seem so abundantly clear. I can even say now that I'm even grateful that he did it because I know I never would have, no matter how wrong for each other we were. Maybe he could see what I wasn't willing or able to see. I will probably never know his reason because I still never did get an explanation of why he broke up with me but now I don't need to know anymore.

During our breakup, I never even once considered that he's probably hurting too. I felt like since he did this to us, he couldn't possibly be feeling the pain I was feeling. Now I know that's not necessarily true. Whatever his reason for the breakup was, I'm sure it was an internal struggle for him and a painful decision to make. He wasn't an evil, unfeeling monster. He was actually very sweet most of the time. Quite a bit younger than me and definitely inexperienced in relationships and matters of the heart. I actually hope our relationship and breakup can help him avoid making the same mistakes down the road. I do wish him happiness.

I'm a changed person now. I will never be the person I was before meeting him. I don't even remember that person anymore but that's okay. Because now I'm a new person with a lot more knowledge and a new outlook on life. Today I'm a new and improved version of the me I used to be.

Never let anyone put a value on your worth and never let anyone make you feel stupid for falling in love on the internet. Telling you that you couldn't possibly love someone you never even met in person yet. That simply isn't true.