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Flash Forward

The Breaking Point

By Krissey BrowderPublished 6 years ago 5 min read
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In my short time on this Earth, if there is one thing I have learned, it is that the general public likes to idolize what seems to be flawless. We want the perfect skin, perfect job, perfect life, without realizing that this has never and will never exist. Why do you think celebrities often self-destruct? So what happens when you stop being the idolizer and become the idolized? Now there’s a position I never thought I’d be in – not in regards to a relationship, anyway.

Flashback to two and a half years ago. The year is 2015 and a very bright-eyed young high school senior is preparing for what she hopes will be the audition that will earn her a free ride to a liberal arts college where she can debate the ethics of the American revolution while also relentlessly pursuing her dream of theatre. Step one, the nervous car ride. Step two, the frantic warm-up. Step three, the check-in with the hottie… wait. When his eyes met mine, I think my heart skipped a beat. This was a real live college boy and I was not about to mess this up. So what did I do? Talked to him about my audition and then drooled silently over him until the beginning of the school year. Because I’m just that good at boys.

Flash forward to October of the next year. We’ve been flirting, making out, laughing, making out, talking late into the night, and, well, you get the point. He has effectively stolen my heart while simultaneously missing every single perfect opportunity to ask me out. But that’s okay; he’s worth it. He’s worth the extra effort getting ready in the morning and rushing through small tasks to make time to hang out. And when I could finally call myself his girlfriend, I didn’t think I could ever be happier.

During the next several months, the honeymoon phase hit hard – and I mean hard. We were happily inseparable. If we could alter our schedules to fit in even one extra kiss, we’d do it without question. I was in love. Not the starry-eyed teenage love – I mean the kind of love that lasts a lifetime. Or so I thought.

Flash forward to June. I’m lost. I start work in our college town while he goes off across the state for a theatre carpentry gig. The one person who sat by my side every waking moment of the day was going to be separated from me for months and I didn’t know what I was going to do. Looking back, my sad puppy-like outlook on the situation was unhealthy and obsessive, but I didn’t see it that way at the time. I just knew that after spending eight months with him, I could ignore his temper and his blissful ignorance, he could be the one. Until he became unhappy with work.

Screaming phone calls, texts in all-caps, angry FaceTime hang ups, the works. The harder I try, the farther he strays, going as far as to tell me he can’t stand to look at me anymore or that I’m the problem. I’m heartbroken. I’m defeated. How could I ever get him back? What more could I do? My confidence for the remainder of the summer is as broken as my outlook on the future.

Flash forward to August. A sobbing boy sits with his head in my lap after realizing what he had done. And for the first time in our relationship, I felt nothing.

No sympathy. No love. No urge to reconcile. Nothing.

Flash forward to May. The past year has been a blur. Our relationship is so one sided that it is difficult to convince myself that I’m happy any longer. I feel caged, like I’m not allowed to do anything without this small puppy nipping at my heels. I ask for time, I’m met with talks of suicide or frantic crying. I feel guilty. I stay. The cycle repeats. In the meantime, friends rave over just how adorable we are. We’re the perfect couple. They wish they could be exactly like us. Girlfriends urge their boyfriends to be more like him, surprising her with gifts and kisses. They tell me how lucky I am and that they can only imagine how I must feel to be so in love.

I smile. I agree. I laugh. I play along. I feel nothing.

I try and try and try, thinking it has to be something wrong with me. If I could only open myself up and appreciate what I have, I’ll be happy, just like I was before.

It hits him out of the blue, he says. He sends pictures, lost love letters, frantic video messages – don’t you still feel this way? You wouldn’t have smiled like this or written that if you didn’t love me. You have to still love me.

My phone rings. I silence it. It rings again. I silence it. Ring. Ring. Ring. Until I finally break the cycle. And I finally feel… free? I’m breathing the same air that I always have and yet it somehow feels lighter, easier to obtain. A moment I thought would be filled with sorrow and tears was met with an unexpected smile. I laugh out loud, not at his pain but because I feel like my soul is mine once again.

Flash forward to June. I’m in love again – the sky seems to sparkle at night. I notice the fireflies again and the sound of the wind in the leaves. I’m in love again, and this time it’s with myself.

Sometimes the most difficult decisions can yield the most comforting rewards. I was terrified to let what once was a good thing go, desperately grasping at the past while forgetting to live in the present. I thought I would lose myself without him. Instead, I’m finding that I’ve grown. I’m meeting a whole new exciting person and I can’t wait for all of the things she will accomplish.

So my advice? Stop idolizing and start living. Turn your gaze inward. I guarantee you’ll be surprised by just how much you like what you see.

breakups
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