Flirt with Me

I can’t flirt for shit.

I see plenty of handsome young men in my day-to-day life—at the store, in the gym, on the line for coffee—and if I could get paid for fantasizing about first kisses, I’d be rich. I know that, should I get to know all of these gentlemen, at least one of them would tug at my heartstrings. I know, in my woeful heart, that I’m quite the catch.

According to the cold, hard facts on the calendar, I have been single since Valentine’s Day.

Generally speaking, I’m comfortable being single. For all my flaws, I like myself. (Out of all my flaws, arrogance may top the list.) Every now and then, however, a fine guy with blonde hair and firm muscles and a chiseled jaw will embed himself into my memory. And every now and then, I’ll see the same thing running through his mind that’s running through mine.

I was lying. This sort of thing doesn’t happen every now and then. It happens every other day. Yet the boy at the store merely blushes when I flip my hair. The stud at the gym holds the door open for me, and I panic and walk through before I can think of something to say. The cutie on the coffee line doesn’t read my mind and come speak to me.

Flirting is so fucking hard. I don’t think it’s anyone’s fault, because communication in general is hard. If it were more acceptable, I would skip the whole process and fall right in love. It’s a shame, then, that I’m a member of society, and society says “no” to that.

What I can do is give potential soulmates a cheat card, and give our first kiss fantasy a chance.

Eye Contact

It’s best you don’t immediately assume I’m into you if you catch me staring. It’s a very real possibility that I’m admiring your hairstyle. Perhaps I’m trying to figure out how to politely tell you about some chocolate fudge on your face. Maybe I spaced out while facing in your direction.

Or maybe not. Maybe you’re gorgeous—the potential love of my life—and I can’t get my eyes off of you.

Smiling

If the above has left you uncertain, but optimistic, it’s time to start searching for the next sign: a smile.

Friendliness is the way to get people to like you, right? If I’m always smiling at you, it’s because I want you to like me. And if I want you to like me, it’s because I like you. Congrats.

But if you don’t see me smiling, don’t panic. In fact, if you see me smiling at everyone except you, let that kindle some excitement.

I’m a relatively friendly person, after all, and I want everyone to like me. If some random person doesn’t—if he doesn’t smile back—I’ll live. I like myself, anyway.

But that’s a random person we’re talking about. The cute boy, future soulmate, love of my life, falls under a different ruleset. The stakes are much higher if he doesn’t like me back. I don’t know if I could handle it if my smile isn’t returned. Sometimes, it’s easier not to risk it.

Conversation

Nonverbal cues leave a lot open to interpretation. Having spent so much time dealing in artistry and “abstract mediums,” I’ve come to realize that “open to interpretation” means “confusing.”

That’s what speech was invented for.

So, if you ever catch me at the water cooler and I start delving into your passions, dreams, and interests, there are two possibilities:

1. I’m really into you and I want to connect on a soulful level.
2. I’m just trying to be a good listener. (Member of society and all that.)

Touch

Physical contact—the third base of flirting. After all the staring and smiling and awkward five minute conversations, the barrier isn’t truly broken until skin touches skin. Whether it’s a squeeze of the shoulder, a fleeting touch of hands, or fingertips brushing against the lips, I probably don’t want it—not for six-pack abs, not for Zac Efron, and not even if I really like you. It takes a lot of guts to break through that barrier and it’s easier to be a coward.

Sorry, future lover. Regardless of how beautiful our future is together, I need you to keep a minimum distance of five feet.

To all the beautiful boys out there, I just want to make our first kiss fantasy a reality. Hopefully, this makes things more clear and you're able to interpret all the signs correctly.