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Ending a relationship with a person on the narcissistic spectrum is daunting, draining, exhausting and painful. If you were married with children it is much worse as these folks aspire to "win" and children are subject to collateral damage. These folks are incapable of being decent parents due to their own limitations. This shows itself promptly when they file for sole custody, attempting to hurt a protective parent on the deepest level and showing they have no regard for the children, who they view as possessions.
Laws, orders, consequences, fairness, and children's best interest mean nothing to a person who is devoid of empathy. The same parent who has a long history of child abuse and neglect will do everything possible to gain sole custody, creating false allegations about the protective parent. The most common ones are claiming the protective parent is; unstable, crazy, an addict, abusive or absent. When the protective parent shows evidence from experts, doctors, testimony, witnesses, child protective services that the abuser is indeed that, the abuser quickly claims "parental alienation" and ignores the evidence.
Parental alienation was coined by Richard Gardner, a proven pedophile who took his own life. Numerous "reunification centers" are not regulated and are a money making venture to further perpetuate abuse. Often the abuser is able to persuade authorities that the protective parent is in need of supervised visits and these visits take place at these unregulated, money making centers. When the protective parent, most often subject to financial abuse, cannot pay for these expensive and bogus services, they are burned out of the process and have no access to their children. None of this is in the children's best interest and all of it is dangerous to the children's developing character and will harm the child later in adulthood.
Family court is a money-making enterprise. Over 58,000 children globally are court ordered to live with the abusive parent, each year. Many of these children wind up harmed and sadly dead. The family courts and their corrupt practices are under scrutiny now as protective Mother's around the world stand united and demand change.
Flying monkeys are often used by the abuser to perpetuate abuse of the protective parent. Flying monkeys can be any person that the abuser grooms and conditions to align with him and carry out his dirty work. Abusers can be male or female; protective parents can be male or female. Most often it is the man who seeks sole custody and who is abusive but claims he is the victim of parental alienation. I have never heard of any abuser saying he is sorry for the abuse of the wife and children and attempting to make amends and change but I am aware that this can also happen.
Flying monkeys can be the family, friends, court officials, members or leaders of religious groups that the target was a member of. They can be any person that the abuser is capable of persuading to listen to falsehoods about the target and who is willing to do his/her dirty work.
Flying monkeys perpetuate rumors, support the abuser and spy, stalk, threaten, confront or otherwise bully the target. They can also get involved with the children of the parties and attempt to withhold the children from the targeted parent or influence the children to adopt negative views of the protective parent (this is actual parental alienation).
Many women express feeling betrayed and shocked over their own family siding with the abuser and acting as his/her flying monkey. Flying monkeys are pathological people themselves and should not be engaged with for any reason, no matter what relationship they had previously with the targeted parent. By engaging in conversation with flying monkeys, the victim is subject to further abuse as he/she relives the trauma. It is not possible to heal from the trauma of abuse whilst still being subjected to it.
Once a person becomes a flying monkey, there is no turning back. They have shown their true colors and they are dangerous to the children involved. Perpetuating abuse and bullying the weaker party is the behavior of an unethical person lacking empathy and that type of behavior is dangerous to children.
Why should you never justify yourself to a flying monkey? After having endured abuse and leaving an abusive relationship, people often suffer from PTSD. This condition is difficult to recover from and requires healing. While you are healing you will set yourself back if you get roped into conversations or interactions with flying monkeys. You must protect yourself from this abuse by proxy and surround yourself with positive.
A positive and ethical person would never succumb to the rumors or plots of an abuser. An ethical and empathic person would never circulate rumors about a person or even listen to the tales of woe an abuser complains of. Ethical people with morals recognize that children require their protective parent, most often their mother, in their life and do not step out of bounds and attempt to sever that relationship.
There is never a reason to state you position to any person. If you feel the need to justify, explain, validate yourself to another person, they could be a flying monkey. A decent human being comes from a position of compassion in all interactions and recognizes that your situation is a difficult and painful one and in no way attempts to present the agenda of the opposing party or cause you further trauma.
Flying monkeys are not integrated people. Like the perpetrator, they are lacking in empathy and have something to hide. By focusing on someone else's problems they are distracted from their own. Misery loves company. Sometimes they hold onto the delusions of the abuser and believe they are doing something heroic or good by siding with the abuser. The flying monkey will not listen to the point of view of the target and they will NOT look at both sides. They are set on siding with the abuser because it fulfills their own needs. They will disregard logic, evidence or any information that stands in their way of acting for the abuser. The abuser gives them praise or recognition for doing his dirty work and they thrive on this. If the abuser is able to organize a group of flying monkeys they will compete with one another for the praise of the abuser. The flying monkey is not decent as otherwise they would do decent things to gain favor, in their own lives, instead of bullying others.
Flying monkeys are often abusive and/or on the narcissistic spectrum themselves. They prefer to wear the mask of "helper" to the abuser than be seen for who they are. Having botched relationships in their own lives, this opportunity to be viewed positively by the abuser is their opportunity to be relevant, important and to gain supply.
As abusers age they have limited choices of where to get supply. While in their youth they bounce from job to job, community to community, friend to friend, by the time they age they have gone through many people and places and are running out of options. When they are suddenly made to feel important for serving the abuser it is an opportunity that they can not let pass by. Depending where they are themselves on the narcissistic spectrum, working as a flying monkey is a perfect opportunity for them to wear the mask of "helpful," "concerned," or aiding a victim. Deep down they know what they are doing is wrong and they do not care as validation for their acts (supply) is what they seek. Being seen as important outweighs the fact that they are terrorizing an innocent victim and harming the parent of innocent children. They accept the abusers stories about the target because it suits their need to wear the mask of helper.
People who are self actualized, fulfilled, and integrated do not take on the job of spying, threatening, spreading rumors or getting involved in the lives of others, particularly when children are involved. They know that children separated from a parent are exposed to a wide range of adversity and they would do nothing to disrupt a parent/child relationship for the sake of the child, whether or not they liked the parent. Normal people use empathy and logic in their dealings. Flying monkeys are fueled by their need to be involved, feel important and to gain attention. When flying monkeys exist in a group, they backstab one another and put one another down in attempt to be valued as most favorable to the abuser. These people are so starved for attention that like the main abuser, they seek it any place they can find it, no matter how damaging it is to others.
Flying monkeys pretend to believe the abuser has been victimized to excuse or justify their stalking, spying, reporting and antagonistic behaviors of an innocent victim who is already coping with a history of being abused. No normal adult would stalk another person's social media and screen shot it for the abuser. Healthy, decent people are busy living their lives and feeling love, happiness and fulfillment. Flying monkeys are addicts and their vice is attention. Being a flying monkey gives them purpose, gets them attention and fills a void in their lives with the supply they get from it.
Flying monkeys are abusers in their role of helper. Abusers have an uncanny way of finding one another and organizing themselves to team up and terrorize others. Here is the good news. They always show themselves. It takes very few interactions with them to recognize who they are and what they are doing. Once you recognize someone to be a flying monkey, cut them off, go no contact. No good will come of any further interaction with them. Once the abuser has gained what he can from the flying monkey he will cast them aside.
Karma is real and these folks are already living it out. They are so irrelevant in their own lives that they volunteer being used, by abusers, to perpetuate abuse by proxy. Their lives are already empty. They do not feel love, compassion, happiness, fulfillment or joy. They live in fear of being exposed, their secrets being made public and with rage and jealousy. They can never be the integrated person that the protective parent is. They are fueled by jealousy, rage and terror on top of their numbness and monotony of changing masks. You are stronger than they are. By ignoring them, they begin to disappear. While it may hurt your feelings to learn that you are being circled by flying monkeys, be thankful that you have the gift of being completely human, the very reason that these people are obsessed with you to begin with. You have something that they do not, a conscience.