Fool Me Twice Shame On Me: Falling For A Friend

There seems to be a problem with my brain. Something on a chemical level that I just can't seem to get around. I met this guy in college, a light in the never ending storm of grey that left me struggling to adjust to this new life away from home, and he was nothing short of perfect. I'll call him Chris, a proper gentleman if I ever found one. Chris was the textbook definition of a contradiction, respectful to women yet loves shows that depict them as nothing but a object to be desired, a philosopher who had no interest in philosophy that wasn't his, good looking and athletic yet humble and kind. Someone who had all the same likes as mine yet was on a whole other level. After classes we would sit and talk for hours on any topic under the stars. Home life, writing, anime, religions, dating. Anything that brought a smile to the other's face, allowing them to grasp a glimpse of the many layers that made us before our defenses swallowed us whole.

He quickly became someone to depend on, to look forward to seeing in a way I could only express through vague hand motions and pitchy noises. Flirting was never a strength of mine yet he brought it out of me with ease and soft smiles. Dating was the last thing on my mind yet he was always the first. As gentle as a summer breeze he swept through the elaborate walls and traps I had surrounding myself and I did the same to him.

It is always in the shower where the truth is revealed, a gut wrenching, choking realization that made me feel as if the wind had left my lungs. In that shower, in the early hours of morning, I realized that the way my eyes lingered on him was less then platonic. The way I craved to hear his voice, his laugh, to see him smile, as if it was a drug I just couldn't get out of me veins. The way I scanned a room looking for his slim figure as if my heart may stop beating if I didn't see him just one more time...the way my heart actually stopped when my eyes finally found him or at the sound of another of his texts coming through my phone. We would have been a perfect storm.

But like so many things in life there where a million reasons why we would never get that chance. You see my dear readers Chris's heart was taken already. By the time I realized my feelings he had already thrown his at another girl in our class. A prettier girl who could be more on his level in ways I never would....never could. It seems that every relationship which would turn out to be good for me, my first healthy one in, well, my life, would always be with someone else. So I hide my feelings, confessing them only in the dead of night to the silence of my room, as I help Chris get the girl. It appears selfishness is just not in my nature. I can feel us drifting away, a series of chess moves played three ways as the knight gets closer to his queen and I lose all my pieces. I can't blame them though, it's a game no one else knows is being played with more then the usual number of people.

This time, my dear readers, I have no advice for you. Nothing to ease your sorrows or prevent the pickle I seem to constantly find myself in. Sometimes things just don't work out. You pass each other by like ships in the night, silently sharing the same breath but being miles apart. These past few months have only reaffirmed my faith that, perhaps, love isn't for everyone. Some people will be blessed to feel the light of love touch their skin and others, well, we will forever live in that shadow.