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Fooled

I should have known.

More fool me I guess. I'm smarter than this and I know it, but why cant I stop myself thinking about you still? I'm the first one to tell others ways of dealing and moving on from emotions that are damaging them. Turns out I'm not so great at practicing what I preach. 

I shouldn't have replied to your text. I shouldn't have met you out that night. I shouldn't have said yes when you invited yourself round. I shouldn't have kissed you. I shouldn't have slept with you. I shouldn't have let you close. 

Since I was eleven, my biggest fear has been abandonment. I've been left and ignored by someone I loved and respected as a protector, questioning if I had done something wrong; if it was all an act to win over the heart of my mother. Since then, trusting someone has never been easy. Truth be told, I avoid it at all costs. I once made the mistake of letting my guard down and they left. Figures. I now choose not to trust. Not easily, anyway. I know its not healthy. I've had to speak to a counselor enough times about it. To me, it makes more sense to be cautious and avoid hurt and disappointment than to let your guard down for someone you hardly know. Although, like I said, I'm not so great at listening to my own advice. 

I'm not going to give names. I'm not petty. Well, I am petty, but I'm trying to tone it down. You won't find gritty details here, either. This isn't that type of post. For the sake of this post, I'm going to name my heartbreaker 'Joker.' Joker was tall, dark, and handsome. Typical, right? Polite to my mum, pally with my brothers, and a gentleman to me. Kept telling myself it was too good to be true...I was right. Joker wasn't my first heartbreak. My first heartbreak was a father figure, but that's a story for another time. However, Joker was the first guy I had let close enough to get to know me, physically and emotionally. 

A couple of months before hand, me and Joker were texting. Nothing out of the ordinary, just briefly getting to know each other. It was mentioned a couple of times about meeting,  but I put him off and came up with excuses. The messages then got to specific. It become clear what he was after. That's not my thing, so I stopped texting back. I didn't think about it all for months. Truthfully, I lost all interest. Until one night when me and my best friend were out. We were doing our usual. Pre-drinks at the pub, then head to the club for the rest of the night. As we walked into the pub, Joker and his friends we walking out. It was a weird thing, we both looked at each other, trying to figure out how we knew each other. That night I couldn't stop thinking about him, how good he looked, wondering if he would recognise who I was and if he would message. I hoped he would. As the night went on, i got a lot more confident (with the help of a few drinks) and decided to message him. 

"Did you walk past us earlier in Regal?" 

That's all I said. That's all it took for the texting to start up again. I was so happy that he replied and carried on texting. It was Joker who suggested coming over to mine. Nothing specific was mentioned, just to hang out. If you would've told me this time last year that I would've said yes and had him come to my house, I would have laughed at you. But, new year, new me. I decided to bite the bullet. What could go wrong? I knew it would be awkward at first, but it wouldn't get less awkward the longer I left it. To my surprise, I was more nervous than he was. It was so strange. Joker came into the house and it was like we all knew him for years. He chatted away to my mum and brothers, made himself at home, and most importantly; my dog liked him. I was sold. Joker stayed for a couple of hours. We laid on the sofa cuddling, fooling around, and kissing. When I say it was like we had known each other for years, I mean it's like we really knew each other. We were both so comfortable and affectionate like we were a couple. I can't explain it. I surprised myself. A couple hours later, Joker had to head home. We stood at the side door of my house, kissing and hugging. Joker told me that he'd text when he got home and that we should arrange to meet again. I was so happy...and shocked. Why did he want to see me again? Knowing what I know now, it's pretty obvious. To be honest, I think I knew it the whole time, I just didn't want to believe it because I really wanted to see him again. 

About two weeks later, me and Joker are still texting back and forth. I was out with my mum and brothers and was telling my mum how Joker had mentioned about coming to stay. When he first mentioned staying, I knew exactly what his intention was. This is why this whole situation is so frustrating. I knew. But again, I wanted to see him. I convinced myself that it made more sense for him to stay as it would be evening that he would be coming round and he lives too far to drive out for only a few hours. I also knew that once he was here, I wouldn't want him to leave. So I told him to come stay. Looking back on it now, I'm also to blame for how I'm feeling. I won't deny it. I knew exactly what was doing. To suppress the feeling of realism, I told myself that I would regret it more if I didn't have him stay and didn't see. Told myself that if I didn't, I would always question 'what if?' When Joker got to mine, we stayed downstairs with my mum and brothers for hours chatting, joking around, and watching TV. Again, it was like we were already a couple. It just worked. Everyone was comfortable. This is especially strange as it was the first time I had ever had a guy round, let alone to stay the night. Even now I can't figure out how and why it went so well. But I won't argue with fate. 

I think it's pretty obvious at this point where the night led. Bye bye, virginity. I had and have no regrets in my decision, as hurt, angry, and embarrassed as I am. It was what I wanted. I was ready. 

The next day Joker dropped me at work. We kissed goodbye and he told me he'd see me later. During the day at work, I kept checking my phone, hoping to see a text from him. I knew he was meeting his friend, so I knew he was busy. At that point I didn't take it personally that he hadn't text. After work I text him, told him I had a great night and it was good to see him. Joker text back saying he had a great night too and was glad he saw me. I was so happy. I told myself this was going to go somewhere, whilst also telling myself to be realistic and not get my hopes up. Joker was going to University in September. I know what you're thinking. Huge red flag Sasha. Who's going to get into a relationship a couple of months before starting university. I knew that. I even said that to Joker. I told him that I wasn't the type for a one night stand and if that was all he was after, I wasn't his girl. To my surprise, Joker told me he wasn't looking for a relationship, but for someone to have fun with, talk to, and spend time with over the summer. Someone to talk to. The more I thought about it, the more I came round to the idea. It suited us both, I liked him, I liked the attention and wanted to see him again. I was naive to thinking I actually would. I replied to Jokers message that day and was left on read. Two weeks went by. Nothing. During those two weeks, I found out from my brother that I was one of many girls. Joker let it slip while talking to my brother. Smart move huh. I was so mad, I felt so stupid and embarrassed. A couple of days after finding that out, I decided to message Joker. I wrote that I wasn't expecting, nor wanting a reply, that I knew I was one of many and if I had known there was no way he would've of been in my house, I told him how embarrassed, hurt and angry I was, that I didn't want a relationship either but I didn't want to be left on read feeling stupid and used. I asked him not to do it to another girl, because it hurts. Its a real kick in the teeth when someone says one thing but acts another. Stick to your word. I wouldn't mind, but the way he was acting when he was with me said a lot more than the want of a one night stand. 

I never got a reply. Probably a good thing, although, I do question what he thought and what he would have said had he replied. I decided then to delete him from my social medias. I was attached and seeing his face pop up on my timeline didn't help me get over him and the emotions I was and still am feeling. Say Joker was to message me tonight. I'd be lying to say I wouldn't want to message back. Depending on what he said. I'd also be lying if I said I haven't wanted to message him since deleting him from my social medias. Its true what they say: once you have that intimacy with someone that affectionate, it's difficult to let it go. I never believed that but I had never had that so what did I know? Joker was a good actor. He had me fooled. 

You may be reading this thinking it's very dramatic. I know it sounds it. But it was my first time letting my guard down and trusting someone. Having kept my guard up for years and being hurt the minute I let it down leaves a mark. Joker isn't the only one to blame though. That's not what I wanted to write this for. It takes two and it took two. I knew better and should've acted in. Difficult to remember that in the moment, though. Like I said, I don't regret anything. I believe it was a lesson and an experience I had to go through. Had he not been a gentleman and genuine during the time I spent with him, I wouldn't be taking some of blame. I still question though, was he being genuine, was that just his personality, or did he know the right way to act and the right things to say to get what he wanted? I mean, I was one of many. He had had plenty of practice. 

My advice for anyone in the same situation I was in would be to be patient. Suss them out first. I don't mean question everything they say or do or be hostile and distant towards them until they prove they're genuine. Just get to know them first, really to get know their intentions. Especially if a one-time thing isn't what you're after. 

I'm no longer mad at Joker. I'm more hurt and embarrassed. Especially now that I have to admit to myself 'I told you so' 'there's a reason we don't trust people, and this is it.'

Sasha x 

Read next: BFF
Sasha-Leigh Hazlewood
Sasha-Leigh Hazlewood

19, Taurus, drummer, with habit of rambling on and getting carried away. I'm new to this, so it won't be perfect. I plan to use this as a platform for expression for all the opinions and experiences I have. Welcome to my open diary.

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Fooled
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