For All Broken Hearts

My purpose to public is not to get sympathy. I just want to share my feelings, my opinion, my story. I understand lots of people around have had much worse situations but I cannot stay silent.

I am apologizing in advance for all my grammar mistakes, sentence structure mistakes, poor vocabulary, and extra punctuation. English is not my first language and three years ago I didn't speak it at all :)

I do not know how to start… this is the 5th day since the first time in my life I have been betrayed. I don't want admit to myself that I was used, and actually never loved, but I was. I still don't understand his purpose; during two years he kept saying “I love you.” I should have noticed all those little signs earlier, earlier like a year and a half ago when he lost his interest in me and found somebody else. Since that time, he started choosing between two of us. Who is better? Who is more educated, has more potential to realize herself, who is more passionate and sexually open minded?

I lost, it wasn't me.

And now, I started analyze myself… well I am in my early twenties, a newcomer from late teens, I just got my second diploma degree, and unfortunately I am not really satisfied with it and don't see myself in this field. I have two jobs which I don't really like, and in general I am kinda lost in this world. I cannot consider myself stupid; I can support a nice conversation on specific topics like medicine, politics, social topics, and my strong opinions on the most common things still present in my head. But that was not his level.

He wanted a mature girl in each aspect of life. I am still childish; I need attention, kisses, petting, big fluffy toys — everything that I didn't get from parents in childhood. He was my motivation. I saw when he didn't enjoy how things were going and I tried to learn his interests, like playing guitar, video games, etc… that's all cool and I didn't mind, but when I had college and a job, and two jobs later, I could not force myself to learn properly; I didn't have power or time. I know, I can achieve more… I still have big plans for the future, but it needs some time. Now, I see everything pretty clear: okay, that wasn't the same level, he is a 28 year old man, he needed more from his woman… the first time he was interested in me it was like something new, an inexperienced creature, but later he got bored. Now I see why I lost in this game.

I definitely cannot blame only myself. I still don't understand why he was so cruel to me. Why he needed to wait for two years to say “bye.” I was getting attached to him more and more; I was nervous when he was unhappy, I blamed myself… I was confused by his answers. Sometimes he expected something interesting and exciting from me and the next time he would say, “it feels so good just to hug and kiss you”… all the time when I would ask “what's wrong?” he didn't respond to me with a clear reason. He told me that I am perfect, I am supportive and love him like nobody else, he doesn't deserve me and the problem is just in his head… I am so disappointed. At the end, he was pushing me away and giving some false hope, like after some period of time he would back when his mind was be fixed and everything gonna be okay with us, he just needs time! He said I am his closet person in this foreign world; if we weren't together he wouldn't be able to date anybody else. He asked me to no matter what just stay with him, talk to him… “We connected by the red string and at the end we are gonna be together anyways.” The first time I believed in each of his words, but after, I was confused and mad…

Later through social media, I realized that he has that another one. I called him and asked, "Are you dating?" And as an answer, I heard his calm voice: "Yes. Yes, for more than a year. Listen, honey, love is not like on TV-show, it is not forever"...My world dropped... I could not breathe, I could not believe in it. It was like the worst nightmare ever. I trusted him more than anybody else, I saw my future with him. Pain went through my whole body and stopped in my heart forcing it to beat faster. I COULD NOT BELIEVE THAT AFTER ALL THE HAPPY MOMENTS, SINCERE SMILES, WARM CUDDLES AND TRUTHFUL, LOVING WORDS he could say it without changing the timbre of his voice... I needed an explanation right now and right here; this was the last time I could ask. He was halfway to my place and asked me not to tell her anything... but I did! I sent her pictures and messages; she cried on the other side (also, she mentioned about almost breaking up with him half a year ago because he hooked-up with somebody from Tinder). As a result he got mad and turned back; as his last words by phone I heard, "Fuck you, I am not coming." BTW — she stayed with him... after two times he cheated, she stayed with him! What could he have told her?!

I am trying to forgive and forget him but that is so painful! So fucking painful!! i just don't understand what I did bad to him to be this betrayed. He could have told me earlier, like a year and a half ago, that it wasn't working; we could have stayed in touch like friends and that's it. Now this is a different story. The first time in my life I loved somebody to death! During the day everything seems okay, except I lost my appetite. But as soon as evening is coming closer I am losing my mind. I started listening for his car engine outside, waiting for his missed calls, messages… I had a small expectation that the person who promised to love me forever could not put me down like this. But he did :)

Currently, I am glad that I have my strong friends' support and they are by my side!! I am trying not sink myself in a deep depression, looking for motivation to quit from one of the jobs which doesn't make me happy, go to the gym (achieve some physical goals), develop my hobbies, make my mind work in a good way. I ripped all photos with him, and will donate all his toys and presents and all his t-shirts. I am trying to erase his face and voice from my heart and memory and learn how to be single. This is very hard; somewhere in your head you have a little hope about revenge, but hatred is not a solution in this situation. You should improve yourself, not to show him how cool you are, but to show yourself how amazing you are. You should stop waiting for apologies; you don't need his apologies if you decided to forgive and forget. I keep telling myself these things, which is very hard to accept.

It's okay, time is healing.

It doesn't matter how hard you were betrayed — never stop loving yourself first.