For His Wife

Part 1 of a woman coming to terms with being the "other woman."

I'm sure you know by now, I felt you in his heart, the same way you must have felt "something different" in him. That is how I found out about you.

You have been on my mind. I have felt the pain of disenchantment and betrayal before. I can't imagine how this will affect you and how this will change you.

Surely, a lot of things went through your mind when you found out. I remember the drunken feeling of having to search his car, his pockets, his luggage, his phone for more information. Sleepless nights asking "why?" He has no answer, you have no answer and all you need is validation. Apologies won't do. There is no stopping your rage, your racing thoughts, and that's why I need to tell you...

It’s not what you think.

We are not a match made in serendipity heaven. We don't share much, we don’t have common interests or common careers. We don’t complete or complement each other at all. We are not made for each other, but we do deserve each other and all the pain that is to follow.

This was not against you!

He wholeheartedly loves you. You are the part of him that he admires the most. I am convinced that you are a beautiful woman, smart, strong, loyal, outgoing. You must be very ambitious and incredibly sweet. Maybe, under other circumstances, you would be a woman I could be friends with. I sincerely look up to your courage to be able to hold the heart of a man like him. I mean, look at him, he wouldn’t settle for anything less.

Don't hate me.

Intuition told me he had someone on his mind. Something, but it didn’t stand out as committed or sinful. Sadness, a bit, like a recent breakup or disappointment. It must have been in a time of emotional disconnection between you two, because it must have been in a time of emotional disconnection between you two, because I figured, at our age, we all have one or two "someones" in our hearts and minds.

You are not stupid.

You must be scanning through your head all the moments that didn’t quite add up, the things you believed, all you have been patient about, what you’ve had to contend with. Excuses that seemed to fit into the circumstances. Lies that were credible because the timing seemed most inconvenient. The parts of your life you left behind or adjusted because of your devotion to him.

This was not accidental.

How can I explain his ways to you? You know his looks, you know his charm, he is a great dancer, funny, charismatic, You know what he’s like. I am not going to try and convince that he did not know what he was doing or lie to you and tell you I don't know why I let it happen.

There were no other signs I was keen to, I was mesmerized, I wanted so badly to believe in love after a betrayal. It didn't make any sense, short stories, long explanations, a lot of apologies, canceled dates, last-minute trips and I thought, this must be love because I believe everything!

I am a woman, I felt in a divine feminine state, vulnerable, insecure about my qualities, shy about my talents.

"Nobody is perfect," he would say, and I felt confident in my meekness.

The moment his eyes avoided mine, I noticed. He was not patient, he was not enticed by my flirting, almost resentful of my surrender.

I felt sick and ashamed of the lust I tangled him with.

I looked at myself in the mirror and felt ugly, noticed the zits in my face, my wrinkles, every dimple of cellulite, the rolls in my stomach. That scar that reminded me of why my own husband felt I was "not good enough."

I felt the rejection of my feminity and pride again, I no longer fulfilled his ego, there was another woman.

There was no more deviant smile, no more charm, no more laughter. This was not the look of a free man.

This was the look of a man who was missing an entire half, and I realized, this man has been kicked out of his home, I am the other woman.

For the first time since we met, I saw you; in his eyes. I felt you in his heart. I recognized the nostalgia of his love for you.

That special "something" about him that drew me to him, was your light. You are an amazing woman.

NO, he is not so great without you.