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For You My First Love

For the Year 2018 and My Favorite Teacher

Ernie Barnes - Head over Heels

For all of the holidays we will miss together, let it be known to the world that I love you. Your eyes that ask the world for everything when your mouth remains silent out of compassion. 

I loved that you were the girl that watched Jazz alone in a Whole Foods. How you stayed up late nights with me when no one was around. Falling asleep to your company, waking up one day to your response, made me smirk and not roll my eyes and grunt.

May the world forever know my gratefulness, for those tough times & struggling days that we endured separately but I felt for both of us. 

I secretly hoped that when you spoke for the love that you got from black women, that you were really speaking just to me. I would have given the clothes off of my back for a chance to hold you that night. For a chance to sing in your ear. For the peace to drip off your fingers and into my broken heart. 

For every "I love you," multiply that by infinity and you will feel how much I felt that you & I would be together forever. For every "honey"—even though I knew you had others, I blinded myself to them. For the times that I told you that you were worth it, I meant that. 

For the healing that you blessed me with at this year's end, when I wish you blessing and light and made my own little prayer for you. I would still crumble at your presence if I could ever get the chance one day. 

My sister, my lover, my friend, my love. For the love that died. For the fact that I ruined us. For the regret that I have to face. For the kiss that we will never share. For my daydreams at work where I thought I would be the luckiest woman alive to be yours. I would sleep smiling, knowing that I had the lover that I had been longing for.

Sometimes I wonder if I just did more this or less that I could still call her my friend. I had so much faith and fantasy but I still remain alone in love. Yes, I am still in love. I try to deny that I am in love with someone who will never return my calls. It's a sad truth and I only hurt myself by admitting it. When I was sick, I only wanted her to be by my bedside. And yet I was still alone in physical and emotional pain. Maybe I deserve it. Maybe it was just by chance. I question now why I let myself fall so hard knowing that the downfall would linger. It's been about five or six months cut off from my love drug. I loved like I would never love again. I know that I will never love the same. Anxiously loving my Red Queen for a moment in time. 

The Universe gave me a taste of how love would lift me so high. It will be better than the touch of energetic vibrations. My healer taught me that I have no control over genuinely connecting. So I can wish you only that you love yourself as much as I loved you. So I wish that you grow like the rose that you called me before you even knew me. I wish that we intertwine and crystallize in another lifetime. For that baby that I got out of you, and loved every moment of that crushing pain and sweet love coaxing me back into you—I will never forget that. Forever etched: I love you & I miss you from 2018 to eternity. 

12-25-2018

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