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Facing the Past

When I think about forgiveness, I think of a quote from the movie Diary of a Mad Black Woman by Tyler Perry.

Myrtle: “When somebody hurts you they take power over you, if you don't forgive them then they keeps the power. Forgive him baby and after you forgive him, forgive yourself.”

I can admit that in the past when it comes to forgiveness, I had a difficult time forgiven people that have hurt me. I held on to the pain, anger, and all the bad emotions instead of just forgiving the people that hurt me mentally or physically. I wish I could say that the physical part was being beaten but sadly in my case the physical part was sexually. I assumed that keeping the pain inside of myself would be the fire that I needed to keep pushing but I was wrong. I was becoming heartless and I felt like I was losing myself slowly and driving myself into insanity. I allowed people to mentally abuse me as a child and I wouldn’t speak up because I had already made everyone believe that I was a lair. So, what was the point of speaking up when you feel like no one would listen? I had lied many times because I was a trouble child but that isn’t an excuse to stay to quiet. I look back at my past and see the things that I could have done differently but back then I blamed myself because I felt like everything that was happening to me was my fault. That I deserved what happen to me. It took me many years to see that I was wrong to blame myself for what others have done.

I admit I tried my best to keep my bad memories in the back of my mind and tried so hard to forget but sometimes reality hits you in the face when you less expect it. Sometimes when you push something back it comes back stronger. Memories you tried so hard to forget come back in flashes. Like a movie inside of your head but you cannot press stop or fast forward. You have to see everything all over again. The things that you tried to forget come back. My first reaction was angry because I didn’t want to remember. My body began to shake from my blood boiling. My eyes began to water because I couldn’t control my emotions at that time. Everything came back and I just lost myself all over again. Then I remember the quote. Why was I angry? Why I have given these people the power to hurt me still?

At first it seemed strange to forgive others and then forgive yourself but I see why this quote means so much. You must forgive others because if you don’t, then they do have power over you. It may seem like a small power to some but even a small power can hurt you still. I am not the person I once was. I am not a pushover and I still have a big heart after everything. I had to learn in time that things will change but I had to be the one to make it change. I know that I am the one in control of my emotions so I chose to forgive everyone that has done me harm or wrong in any way. I will not allow others to have power over me and I forgive myself for allowing this to happen. I know where I stand and I am not a little girl anymore. I guess the universe just wanted to remind me that the path I choose is the right path. I can control my emotions and I will not allow my past to hurt me no more. Sometimes you must forgive because it’s a part of letting go and a part of moving on with your life. 

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