Forgiveness and Letting Go

Friends. What does that word mean to you? For me, it used to be the people I could run to when I had an emergency, when I just wanted to talk, and when they needed someone I was there.

I have been blindsided in the past by friends. I didn’t see it coming either. I know I am strange. I know I am a lot to handle. I know I used to have a lot of issues and I still have some I am working through: Abuse, betrayal, lies, cheating, and more lies.

I have practiced witchcraft since I was 12. Yes, I know it is cliche, but I started the same year the movie The Craft came out. I am not sure why I started, but I haven’t ever regretted it. I do know it is in my blood, in my heritage… but I did not know that until I found my birth parents in my early 30s.

For everyone else around me, they believed I was insane. Nuts. It was so farfetched for so long to believe a witch really existed, or that witchcraft really worked. I tried running from it. I tried quitting for years. It didn’t work. The Majik always came calling and the longer I ignored it, the worse things would got. Things moving and seeing things no one else could see—it all would become insane.

I was put in the Behavioral Medical Unit in my local hospital three times because I had reached out for help, and even my doctors believed I was insane and that my “hallucinations” were all in my head. The third trip to the BMU came after I had a mental breakdown and my ex-boyfriend put me in there. He did not know how else to help me.

Now, let me explain the mental breakdown, and how it was tied to friends I had known for years… I lost custody of my son in a major court case (which I tried to fight) because my friends testified against me. Yes. I said that correctly. Hindsight is 20/20 and I know they believed at the time they were doing the best thing for my son, but they could not have been more wrong. His father was abusive, manipulative, and deceitful. I could not see it back then because I did not understand what real love was. They all knew he had been doing this; we all lived together. But instead of telling the truth, they told the court what the court needed to hear to take my son from me. That I didn’t take my meds, that I was “hallucinating,” that I was “delusional.” These same friends were the people that grew up with me and had practiced witchcraft WITH me. I guess they thought they outgrew it and I never did. I still do not understand what their frame of mind had been. I eventually learned how to let it go, but for of all the wrong reasons. I blamed myself for years. Had I done this different or that different? Until I met my now husband, I accepted blame for all kinds of things that really were not my fault. When I got with my ex-boyfriend (he was a part of this friend circle), he explained to me that at one point when I had delved so far into the craft I could not tell what was going on and what wasn’t… they decided it would be a good idea to make up all this shit about things that really were not going on. They faked ghost sightings, they faked seeing what I saw, and they went so far as to make fake props. The people I grew up trusting, all except for my son’s father, had teamed up and decided that I was their entertainment. Apparently for months. I had no clue.

After I moved to Colorado, I learned to let things go and take ownership of what I did wrong, and to let go of what someone else did. That is not to say I will ever be buddy buddy with certain people from my past, but I am learning to let it all go.

One of those people (we will call him T) from that circle, I tried to make a reconnection with after I moved. It didn’t work. For a myriad of reasons… I couldn’t let things go, I didn’t get along with his wife (who loved to get in my head), I would have night terrors the longer I had contact with him, my premonitions would get worse. We reconnected twice. He always knew right when to get ahold of me… when my husband and I would upgrade phones and I would forget to re-block certain people. I was determined there would not be a third time, but there was.

He called me a couple of weeks back… you guessed it, RIGHT when I had upgraded my phone and forgot to re-block. This time it was not just to talk and he was still in connection with the same girl (we will call her M) that spearheaded the head games with me. She was the main one that testified against me.

My head was spinning. I talked to him and her. I stayed quiet for a couple of days. If I was not supposed to be talking to these people then why did they keep popping up? I had been nervous, but I knew with my husband by my side, I would be OK. (T) would talk to me some and (M) seemed to finally act like the person I knew before all of the bullshit. I thought I was OK, that I could do it. As a matter of fact, I am still talking to them.

Things have come out that I never saw coming. (M) said she needed my help because what needed to be done about (T)’s wife, she could not do alone. I was shocked. They all finally realized that we are all witches including (T)’s wife, and she has become dangerous. All the times I told him something was not right with her, off and on for six years… I had been right. (M) not being able to ignore everything everyone thought I was crazy for (and everything they convinced me I was crazy for). There were also a ton of things that I had been right about when I still lived there, but I was told I was making stuff up or “delusional” has turned out to be true.

I thought I finally let all of it go. However, I realized last night that I am not as “over it” as I may have thought. My brain goes back to everything that has happened. That had they just admitted I had been right, had they let go of what society expected of them, there was so much I would not have lost (including my sanity).

I cried a lot last night: Rage cried, sad cried, disappointed cried. I have been crying a lot lately. My husband has been patient through it all. He asks me am I sure I can do this, am I going to be OK, and he picks up my slack around our apartment when these crying fits happen. PTSD is a bitch.

I don’t hate these two people anymore. I do not loathe them, I no longer hold a grudge (and I can hold a hell of a grudge). I am letting go and releasing everything that I thought I had let go of. I knew this was coming. My cards told me weeks ago.

I do love these people. I love them like siblings. I love them because I am loyal, even when I have been hurt. I am also cautious. Since moving to Colorado, I haven’t had the best luck with friends here. I am watching (T) go through something I tried to warn him about years ago and I am having insane visions again. I try to warn him of what is going to come out of his current situation, but I am still not sure he will listen. Sometimes it is almost like talking to a wall. We are all stubborn.

However, what is different this time? I am not disconnecting again. I may stay silent for a while, I may be reclusive when I need to, but that is what I do. I think. I think logically with no biases in certain situations. Most of all, I have my husband. As long as I have him, then I have no fear of being hurt again. I also won’t get my hopes up or have expectations about my friendships anymore. I am coming to realize not everyone thinks how I do. I help when I can and stand back when I feel I need to. All of this is helping me heal a part of me I didn’t know was still hurt… and that is OK, too. All of this led me to right where I am with the most beautiful man in the world, so I am learning to accept that sometimes shit hits the fan to make way for something better and people really can change. I have.