Friends

On the few occasions I had alone to myself, I'd often sit and wonder what my life would be like if I had acted differently back in high school. If I had left behind those toxic people as soon as I had known them to be toxic. Surely I would have no one, since I was never really one to make my own friends. The people I did talk with, I only knew by association. This I found, always made me a second class friend, or a low priority. I have made maybe two or three friends on my own, all of which I am still close with; but the others always drifted and seemed to take anyone else's side before they would ever take mine. In my few acts of quiet defiance, I would slip away from the lunch table and fail to return for a number of weeks—an absence that would more often than not go unnoticed, as though I was a ghost that no one could see anyways. Of course time passes and things blow over until the next thing comes along and bends the fabric of any chemistry I had with anyone. It has been a sort of cycle that I've become accustomed to. Unfortunately, I have become all to comfortable being left out, forgotten, and all but invisible to those I choose to place myself with.

It's funny really, when I am one on one with someone I can bring out their deepest thoughts and evoke the most meaningful conversations. However a group setting presents new challenges. People often forget what it was that allows me to connect with others, and it's therefore drowned out by those who thrive on controlling others and talking over smaller voices. I have become a listener. I hear things forgotten by most and I remember it. I recognize peoples patterns and mannerisms and take note of people's thoughts long before they choose to express them. You'd think this would give me some sort of advantage, but really, it's only caused me to become more distant and detached from others.

Sometimes I find it impossible to relate to people my own age. I could never understand the behaviors and that lack of thought behind certain individual's actions. Even now I struggle to comprehend why one would not make an effort to be quiet after quiet hours, knowing that they will get in trouble because of their actions. This may also be a reason for my inability to make and maintain good friends besides the few that I have. No one can relate to me either. I feel as though there is a divide between myself and everyone else. The few who I have been able to connect with are able to go into the world and thrive, and it seems as though their divide is non-existent. This is again a symptom of my own doing. I am unable to interject or add to conversation in meaningful ways; or at least in ways other people my age care about. Often I feel as though I am treated like a child. Allowed to be preset for pity's sake but nothing I say or do is taken into consideration or thought of as meaningful.

I understand it is a disease on myself only, and that I must not slip back into old habits as I make new friends, but it's nearly impossible. I am programmed a certain way, and I only know how to follow that program. I love recognition, but I crave solidarity. I enjoy people contacting me and making plans, yet fulfilling my half of the bargain is often a drain on me. I am stuck in an impossible paradox which I can only blame myself for. It's my responsibility to fix myself and to cut myself away from the threads that hold me to my past. Though it will come back to bite me, I have to find a way to excel at every aspect of my life simultaneously or the path of my life will be filled with nothing but disappointment and things that could have been.

I can do what I can to patch together the withered threads of my past, but ultimately my happiness will come from turning a new page, and in doing the things I felt I could never accomplish.Things are better now as I navigate though my first year of University. People are kind and I am on the road to undoing the doubt that has plagued me for so long.