Friendships

Having friends, being a friend, and friendships are arduous for me. Oftentimes I see myself feeling annoyed, judging, or comparing myself to the friendships I have experienced. In this moment I counted on my hands how many women I could truly say to myself have been a friend to me, whether our relationship is intact or transformed for us to go our separate ways. The number is under 10 women, and before I would think how lame of me to not have an overwhelming amount of friends or people that know me. As I have gotten older I see my relationship to women in friendships have been a struggle because of the relationship to my mother. Although my relationship with my mother has changed in ways that support us, I continue to come to a road block with some of the women I choose to bring in my life as friends.

In high school my friend was so good to me. She knew of my struggles being an outcast. She knew everything about me. We called each other and talked about all of our pains. She held me high, and constantly reminded me of the person she saw when she looked at me. I felt she really understood that I was a good woman. In my heart I felt I could be myself with her, and that she would love me no matter what. Until, I went behind her back and did something that no friend forgives. I lost my virginity to her ex boyfriend of four years. I wanted to make my justifications clear that I loved him before she did, they had broken up, so what was the big deal. I knew in my heart I betrayed her, our friendship, and my integrity. She wished me well, and made it clear that she would never be friends with me again. I stuffed that feeling of humiliation down, and carried it with me into the friendships that followed without knowing how much pain I held for destroying the person that held me so high.

Friendships after that were rocky. I was mean and constantly projected my pain onto women that received more attention than me. I wanted to make them feel how I felt, and I realized that pain and projection hurt no one in the long run but myself.

I moved to a different part of Florida almost two hours away from my high school town. I met a woman at my job, and we became really close. She dealt with the loss of her mother to cancer, and she would make jokes and talk about the mannerisms of her mother almost everyday. I saw that she wanted to continue her life, and not lose the innocence within. She is so strong and brought a beautiful girl into the world that I know will learn all about her mom, grandma, and take the lessons with her in every situation she experiences. I had a lot of problems in the relationship I was in when I met her, and she listened, did not judge me, and spoke when she felt it was the perfect opportunity to interrupt my thoughts, and help me see what I was feeling from a different point of view. I chose to get out of my relationship and leave to South Florida without telling her my choice. I remember the day she found out, and her pain was prevalent even though I made a joke about her feelings. The joke wasn't received, and it brought to light how much I was selfish and worried about myself, but not those that had any kind of relationship with me. We are cordial now, and I know that is because the past is not something either of us can hold onto, because our present circumstances are all we have time for. I started to really view how I was treating my friends when our relationship changed.

In South Florida, I moved to a new space hoping to forget all that did not serve me. It was not until later that I realized until I fully dealt with whatever held me hostage, the cycle would repeat itself. My relationship and friendship to one of the biggest influences in my life has been so powerful for shaping me into the woman I am today. I could not thank this woman enough for choosing to see me and all that I am. She hypnotized me with a card that spoke about her business, and the festival she owns and operates. It was around the time I started my hoop path journey to mental wellness, and she supported me every step of the way. She always pushed me to be better and to be nice. To speak truth—and only if it was from a space of love. She truly got who I am, and dealt with me no matter what. She never gave up. I can still call her or message her if I need her to slap me out of myself.

I walked into a coffee shop, and saw a beautiful woman making coffee behind the counter. Her hair was long and thick, and was swirled into a bun on the top of her head. She had stretched earlobes and the plugs she wore were big and bold like her personality. I was new to the area, and wanted to use my practices of creating honest and meaningful friendships with women specifically—friendships with men were easy. I grew up a tom boy, and had no problem hanging with and getting rough with the "bros." Women were the challenge and I accepted. I asked her to hang out. My friend was having a house party, and he invited her so we all got together to enjoy a night of drums, dance, and community. Our friendship started to grow. I mentioned having a crush on the guy that invited her to the party, and she knew that I had gotten out of a four-year relationship prior to moving to SF. I knew it was a crush, and I would not act on it. The air suddenly got thick and she said, "I have a crush on him too." I could feel she was uncomfortable, and I wanted to be clear with my words and tell her what I meant by my comment. The air cleared, and our friendship became secure. We participated in a lot of events together, we were very active parts of the community, she introduced me to psychedelic mushrooms—I remember standing in front of her and she said "trust yourself"; it pushed me to eat the mushrooms after all my hesitations subsided—and I chose to see what it would be like to have a "best friend." I do not use that term, and I feel the term "best friend" has energy around it that I do not vibe with. I feel that term can be competitive, selfish, and uninviting. To condense the story because it is long between us, I had my views of this woman and expressed them. We were both strong willed individuals, and we butt heads quite often. I had my opinion, and she did not approve. Today we are not friends and I thought "damn, and another one."

I am currently in Texas, I do not agree with a lot of the laws and chaos that surround Texas today, (that for sure is another story), and there is something special about Austin. people from all over the world come here to live, visit, work, and participate in what Austin specifically has to offer. I moved to the city in 2016, in between working a seasonal job in Saratoga, Wyoming. I noticed that Austin has a lot of college students, because UT is one of the largest schools supporting people with their college careers. Most people had their cliques and friends that were "in" and I observed, more than trying to get into a group. I met a woman who is the epitome of bravery. She is deaf and does not care to please people or try to fit in. She is comfortable with who she is, and seeing this intimidated me. I thought I was strong; she is stronger than most people I have met in my life. I chose to learn the language, I chose to "look stupid" and make mistakes when I sign with her, I chose to test all boundaries, because her energy pushed me. It was as if I was on the edge ready to fly, and I needed that push to believe in myself. Her excitement when I signed my first words to her is still in my memory. She is truly one of the closest friends I have today.

I left Texas to work in Wyoming, and knew it would be my last year working in a state where people do not even try to step outside of their comfort zones. Talk about a culture shock! I returned to Austin in 2017, ready to stay in one place for a while, I knew I had my friend, I knew a lot of opportunity was possible, and I was open to all of what was coming my way. I was in a toxic relationship and needed out. I did not feel like myself, and towards the end I was staying in it because I did not want to be alone.

I finally built the courage in 2018 to stand for myself, and end the relationship. I started a new job at a restaurant in the downtown second street district. I walked through the doors and thought, "oh shit, here we go again." I was the only black server, and I had to go to the bathroom to cry before sitting with the others in our training. My head was not clear, and I could only hear myself calming myself down and accepting what is. We all broke into groups and had a number for the tables we would sit at during our food tastings. "5" was on my card, and I looked at each table until I saw number five on the end of the table I was assigned to sit at. In the corner of the table sat a beautiful woman that is Geena Davis, doppelganger. We stuck together in the trainings, and she later expressed that she was supposed to work at the restaurant just to meet me. She invited me to a lot events around Austin. I saw her in her element, I saw her in her darkness, I saw her through everything, and I loved her for all of it. We have a very close friendship, and I am grateful for her and my current friendship she initiated.

Work was work, and I made the healthy choice for me to keep work and friendships separate. In my experience, I noticed that I had a hard time fitting in, and I would rather do my job and keep friendships separate. I chose to create friendships with some of the people at my work, and I realized why I kept those two things separate for so long. I felt the friendships were not authentic. It was easy for people to turn their backs on you, or say "it's not my business," because their only concern was if people would like them or not. I started feeling depressed and unsure about my choices. I chose to move in with a co worker, and for over a year things were great. I chose to let go of what I did not like, and accept her for who she was, until I went on a trip and felt I was disrespected. I could not let another person keep doing the same thing and not speak up about it. I chose to write an email and express my feelings, because I knew I would not be interrupted. She did not receive it well and I understand. She chose to not have me as a roommate, and asked me to leave the home I spent a year in. One of my biggest fears and conversations is: homelessness. From the ages of 14-20 I was homeless. I felt I was controlled by her, she even threw legal terms at me as to why she could treat me the way she did in my room and house. She knew my pain, and knew my fear and chose to kick me out. I felt a friend that does not care to do the work is not worth being my friend. I left and I am in a happier and healthier environment.

I befriended a woman that is an amazing photographer and woman. She is currently in Albuquerque, New Mexico. Through a mutual friend, she met up with us to do a photo shoot. She inspired me to release the warrior within. Her guidance during the shoot showed me her patience, kindness, and love. She spoke about her journeys through a country on her bicycle and I thought to myself "I want to be friends with her." We currently speak to each other about our projects, and she helps me with my writing. She pushes me to be open, and her series of photos inspires me to continue this work, and to continue the work of working through relationships/friendships with people.

I am currently living in a new space, and my friend/roommate is so supportive of everything I am up to. She loves me, she asks me how I am doing, we say good morning and good night to each other everyday, she treats me with respect, and honors me for my commitment to constantly doing the work to be. To not be better, but to be me, and see myself for all that I am in all that I do. This woman truly cares about uplifting feminine energy, and breaking the competitive cycles created by women and society. Her ways of being inspired me to share my stories, to be raw and open about my life, and to be honest so that no thoughts can control me.

I am not sure who I get to be, or what I get to do to keep everlasting friendships, and I have realized that "all friendships change, but the good ones, they get stronger because of it." If a person is not willing to grow with me, is it really worth my time to be friends. I should not have to ask you to hang out with me, and see on your social media that you are out with other friends, but not making the time to go out with me. It is insulting, immature, and heart breaking. I should be allowed to have my shit come up and work through it. If I feel I do not appreciate something, and I speak up about it, how does that make me seem to you when I speak truth? I do get to stop judging women, I get to stop a friendship before it starts when I feel inside it is not right for me, I get to not be competitive or compare myself to women, I get to be honest, open, and uplifting with my words, and I get to accept women for who they are, and all that they have been through.

Friends. I do not want a lot of friends, I do want friends that will stick by me when things go sideways. I want friends that accept my intense and passionate energy. People that want to be apart of my life, and all that I am is truth for what a friend means to me.