Friendships

As a 22-year-old woman (blegh that sounds weird. I feel like I relate more to girls than women), I have gone through a lot of friendships and breakups and I understand that they can be really hard, especially at school in a friendship group filled with girls. We are bitchy, jealous and hormonal (gosh I sound like my mum), but don’t you worry I’m here to tell you exactly what to do. Okay that’s a lie. I’m going to tell you about my experience and my views on it, and if I help just one person I'll know it’s worth it.

DO. Be inclusive (don’t be exclusive). So what I mean by this is don’t leave anyone out. I have been on the receiving end of this and it makes you feel really lonely. My best friend started to push me away and take my friends away when we were about 16 or 17 years old. The friends that she was taking away was the group that I was always with, and what's even worse is that before this, that same best friend took me away from my other friends. I really felt like I had no one. I used to go home and just sit in my back garden on my own, and my Mum would come out to check on me. The one good thing that came out of this is that it pushed me towards new people, and they were really inclusive. They’d invite me out all the time and were all kind and welcoming. I know it’s not easy to make new friends and this didn’t happen instantly. At first, I felt a little bit like an outsider because they had already clicked together. The same best friend (we’ll call her best friend A) also stole from me, right under my nose. It was so blatantly obvious and I called her out on it, but she lied straight to my face.

Best friend A moved away, but before that made one big ole lie about her private life and I just wanted to look after her. I didn’t know it was a lie at the time until her Mum rang me (we were both really close with each others families). She really had me and our other friends wrapped around her finger. Like I said earlier, she took my friends away from me, and this went on for months. They’d ignore me, leave me out and make hurtful digs at me. When best friend A moved away, I spoke to my other friends and told them all the lies she had made. They all looked really hurt and upset and then explained why they had treated me how they did. Best friend A had told them all that I had said nasty things about them. I was hurt that they believed her, but mostly I was relieved that I hadn’t actually done anything wrong.

More went down with best friend A, but that’s not for me to tell, and I’d never expose her like that (even anonymously). We had one last phone-call. It was a heart to heart but I put myself first for a change. Trying to avoid being nasty, I said “I can’t do this anymore. I’m sorry for what’s happened to you, but I don’t want it to go back to how it was.” That was that. I never hated her for what she did. Okay that’s a lie. I did for a while after because the wound was still fresh, but now looking back, I see all the good times we had. I watch our silly videos that we made and laugh, not in a missing it kind of way, but just in an appreciative way. So, DO put yourself first sometimes. Say no and get yourself out of any toxic friendships.

Whilst all this was going on, I met best friend B who was completely different from A. She was so laid back, silly and just nice. She didn’t come with any baggage, and we had a really healthy friendship. I still talk to her and see her today. Bit boring that paragraph, but what can I say apart from it was great; she never hurt me.

I should mention that there were best friends before A. I guess I started with her because she did the most damage. There was best friend… uuuhmm... AA (gosh it sounds like bra sizes now)? AA is still one of my dearest friends today. We really went and got through a lot together. We had fall outs but I can’t remember them now. I only know we had them because I could see old messages from each other. Teachers used to get us confused all the time because we were always together. We had the same dodgey hair cut and coat. Again, she’s great. What more can I say?

Before going through best friend A drama, at my previous school I went through a very similar thing. One day, my best friends just came up to me and said we don’t want to be your friend any more. #RUDE. I handled it really well on the spot. Usually I’d cry but I just said okay and walked off to find some other friends. I remember seeing the look on their faces, they were shocked and dare I say it, a little disappointed, that they didn’t make me cry. The girl that they had ditched me for looked smug, but it’s okay because I see her collecting the trollies at my local ASDA (not that there’s anything wrong with that. Right now I’d take that job, but I’m just saying she’s not some super boss lady). Given all this, one of these best friends is still my friend today. I’ve known her my whole life!

I guess a DO would be to forgive. Do forgive; don’t forget – learn from it and become stronger.

Then, I think I grew up a lot when I moved into sixth form. I learnt that having a best friend isn’t always the ‘best’ way to go, but like I mentioned, I also had some great best friends as well. I went into sixth form probably closest to best friend B, but we both fell into different friendship groups. I had my besties but I also had a lot of friends in different settings. So if anything went down, I had quite a few groups I was comfortable in. And hey! Guess what. It went down. I was becoming closer with a group of boys, and a certain group of girls that I sat with didn’t like me for that. So they ditched me. #RUDE. I wasn’t too hurt by this because it was a big jealously thing on their part, not mine (also the boys liked me more than them cause I wasn’t a bitch).

So DO branch out. Push yourself out of your comfort zones, and make new friends. If I hadn't done this, I wouldn’t have met my boyfriend (or gone to as many cool house parties).

Since then, I’ve had Best friends C, D, Etc. I could carry on typing all day and still not be done.

Friendships are weird. Everyone is different and expects something different from you. Just stay true to yourself and make sure you are making yourself happy. Don’t do anything that could hurt anyone. Just think and be considerate, but also be strong and confident when needed.

The best thing to do is confront any problem. Say it to their face. Ask why they are treating you that way (I never had the guts to do this). Talk to your parents, teachers, councillors, or talk to the internet; it really helps opening up about your problems. Remember, you’re not the only one going through it.

In the wise words of Michael Jackson, “you are not alone.”