Friendships in Your Thirties

It’s frighteningly easy to feel lost in your 30s. Up until this point, if you’re anything like me, you'll have spent your life indulgently exploring your independence alongside some truly marvellous creatures—revelling in the good, accepting the bad, and learning from the ugly. As is customary with every milestone that births a new era, you'll have fantasised about the opportunities that await you once you pass the next one. And with blissful ignorance, you'll have headed into the next chapter of your life assuming nothing out of the ordinary will occur.

However, the reality is the life-long friends whom you thought you'd built eternal bonds with begin to drift and you realise that their paths no longer run parallel to yours. In fact, quite often, they’re heading in a completely different direction to you.

This is particularly prevalent to those of us who haven’t ascribed to the social conventions that are put on us at this age—the expectation of marriage and children, whether that be by choice or misfortune.

Don’t get me wrong, some people are exempt from the discussion—those lucky enough to still have close bonds with their uni friends or high school friends or even preschool friends.

But I would hazard a guess that most people, like myself, wandered into adulthood enjoying their friendships for what they were and didn't pay much attention to the distance growing between you because, like me, you figured the bonds you made were watertight, that life, although obstructive of plans on occasion, would inevitably return to its pre-defined course. I definitely didn’t think I'd have to go all Kathy Bates and hobble my besties for future use.

But the truth is, the bonds that tie us together in our youth seldom last through the life changes we experience in our 30s and if you don’t synchronize your major life events, then you can wind up feeling like you’re on the outside and that's a pretty lonely place to be.

So why all of a sudden do we find we've drifted from our self-selected kin? Why do so many of us struggle to maintain the friendships of our youth in adulthood?

Change of Interests

Some of my greatest friendships have been built on secrets that our adult counterparts would rather not re-live. Plenty of us have comrades for the late night parties whom we've share some wicked memories with; however, those memories are no longer suited to the 30s tea parties or brunches we frequent. So suddenly, one of the major common interests of our 20s has become uneven ground that restricts our conversations.

Speaking of ground, in this case, the common variety—a lot of our friendships blossomed during stints in shitty jobs. Our friendships were the bright sparks that kept us motivated to make money. Yet once we're out of the hells in which we were living for 8 hours a day, we find much of the bond was built on banter and superficial knowledge of one another. They were convenient friendships and pleasing distractions, but they were not necessarily built to last.

Priorities

So as your partying ways die out and you hone in on your true purpose (or what you think your purpose is at 30) you become focused on the social conventions we mentioned earlier - finding a partner and settling down. People naturally gravitate towards those who have shared similar experiences, so you find your sambuca buddies are swapping shots for swaddles and if you're not on the same vibe then you're likely to see less of them.

Oh, and finding the perfect job - that’s another major convention of our age group. Tired of the meaningless slog we begin searching for "careers" that satisfy our souls... then when we realise that's near fucking impossible, we cave and follow the money.

But this option doesn't guarantee us a like-minded clique. In my experience, you end up in an office full or middle-aged men who even if you found you shared common interests with, it doesn’t take a genius to work out their partners wouldn’t be too happy if you started inviting them out. Which leads to my next reason...

Rules change.

The boys, the brothers, the gaming family you grew up with become husbands and those friendships then require a whole different kind of care and consideration. It's a sad truth that it's just not considered appropriate to ask your old guy mates to hang out without their other halves... Frankly, you just come across as threatening.

So what do you do when these changes start occurring? How do you navigate the unfamiliar territory and avoid feeling lost forever in what quickly reveals itself to be a genuinely stressful period growth? You adapt.

Find your tribe.

First of all, you need to figure out what it is you and your 30s need from friendship. It may be closeness, a feeling of belonging, shared ideals, and beliefs. Perhaps it's a distraction from adult life, people who are still up for reliving their youth. Or maybe you're passionate about a hobby and you just want someone else to share that same enthusiasm. Whatever it is that brings you joy and helps you to feel valued, figure it out and then use that as your basis for finding like-minded souls.

Friends for All Occasions

So you may not be able to hang out with your entire crew in the same way you used to—it doesn't mean you can't still enjoy your favourite activities with the ones who share that interest. I have a go-to friend for cinema trips and one for happy hour, another for nature walks, and one for anytime I want to attempt exercise.

Match the friendship with something that is rewarding for both of you and you may just find having this special time with fewer friends leads to deeper, more meaningful connections.

Put the effort in.

If an existing friendship is teetering on the edge but you believe it to be worth saving then save it! If it's wearing thin due to circumstance or logistics such as schedules or physical distance, then work around it! Literally meet them halfway—hell, use a holiday day and invest in those friendships.

But be realistic and judge for yourself how much effort it's worth. If you're continually sacrificing the chance to do things that bring you joy to travel to meet friends who are never going to reciprocate the effort then maybe you need to reassess the balance.

Don't settle.

You and your friends may act like besties online, but that's easy to do from the comfort of a sofa. If those people won't meet up in the real world then maybe stop exhausting energy trying to make plans, particularly if it's genuine interaction and closeness that you crave.

Seriously—I know we largely live our lives online but it's not unreasonable for you to find the expectation of reducing your whole life down into a comment box as fucking ludicrous. You basically end up just being pen pals and in that sense, you could be interacting with anyone in the world. You can't sustain lasting friendships through a screen. We’re sentient beings. We need a physical connection.

Cherish the memories.

Although we drift in our 30s, you shouldn't begrudge people for following their own paths. Friendships don’t have to turn sour. Moving forward, look back on the experiences you’ve shared and be thankful you got to have them. Keep the good thoughts present and let go of the need to stem the tides of change.

Keep in mind that you've grown as an individual and although you're on a different path, it doesn’t detract from what has been and it doesn’t limit what will be. So aim for a happiness that is unique to you.

And remember, missing your friendships only goes to show how spectacular and worthwhile they were in the first place. Chances are, the people you’ve drifted from will look back on their friendship with you from time to time and feel happy they got to have it.

At the end of the day people won't remember what you said or did, they will remember how you made them feel - Maya Angelou