Fuck Fate

I've lost people before. Death is a fact of life. I've been to several funerals during my short life. But nothing prepared me for what life threw at me four weeks ago.

My best friend, the one that I had a special language with, the one that I had a telepathic connection with, the one that I only had to look at and we'd burst into fits of laughter... that friend... she died.

This is absolutely the hardest thing I have ever had to deal with in my 22 years. Harder than my deep depressive episodes, harder than when I couldn't take my bins out without having a panic attack, harder than wanting to throw myself out of the office window and fighting hard not to.

She was the only person that I could call and say, "Hey, I feel like dying today,. Do you want to come and stay?" and you could bet your bottom dollar she would be there.

We helped each other. She struggled with her own great depressions and we were each other's reason for fighting. She moved in with me when she was taking drugs to keep happy, and it comforts me to think that I helped her find an organic happiness. For months she stayed with us and didn't touch a chemical substance once.

Now that she is gone, I can't help but question everything. Was it real? Did I help her as much as I thought I did? Did she love me the way I loved her? Logically, I know she must have to spend so much time with me, but I can't help questioning our friendship, because I never thought it would end. We had so much more to achieve together.

She was supposed to cause a scene at my wedding; she was supposed to buy my children their first pair of Dr Martens; she was supposed to live.

Don't get me wrong, we had our fair share of fallings out and periods of not talking, sometimes for years, but something always brought us back together.

Something always caused our paths to cross.

Even in today's society of internet and social media, and all of the technology which makes it so easy to contact people, it was fate who would always fix us.

There was one day (and we hadn't spoken for years) we had both left school. I got my own place and a new relationship and I had cut all ties with school. I had gotten off the train and I was walking home from the station. It was a mild autumn afternoon and the ground was wet from rainfall. I had my headphones in and I sensed somebody walking towards me. Keen not to interact, I kept my head down and walked further towards the inside edge of the path. The person continued to walk towards me. They had gotten so close that I could hear their footsteps over the loud music in my ears. I had no choice. I had to look up.

When I did, I saw two big, blue, watery eyes staring at me, unblinking, arms outstretched, unthinking. It was her. My best friend.

I believed that fate had caused us to literally cross paths that day. There was no reason for us to be walking the same way, at the same time, on the same day. I believed in fate. I believed she was my soulmate, and she called me hers.

But this time, fate has fucked me. Fate is laughing in my face. Fate is placing its bets on how I'll deal with this one, waiting and watching as I fall into the abyss.