Gaslighters in Everyday Dating...

It's been a hot minute since I wrote an article for you guys. But here you go!

This article is exploring the theme from my first article, the methods of gas-lighters, and the effect it has on those who come into contact with them. Names will be changed for the safety those who gave me this information, and I have consent of the lady who originally let me write about her relationship with a gas-lighter. Part of this article is an update of her life now and how she has moved on.

Honestly, life has been a lot more positive. I've lost weight, I feel awesome, and I'm no longer checking my phone constantly, waiting to answer his call and prove my loyalty several times a day. I think it was getting out of the "damaged" mindset that was the hardest. The worst part was still missing him after all that he did. And there was a need for companionship and not wanting to be alone, but I knew in order to be a more stable and happy person, I needed to be happy on my own before allowing anybody else into my life. Things are still up and down, but I know now that I can fill my own cup without begging others to fill it for me, I'm much more independent and feeling like a better, new me.

So when I did decide to start dating again, I took this as an opportunity to really look around, get me out of that comfort zone, see who is really going to add to my life without taking away from how amazing it is now. Because of my anxiety, I found it difficult at first, meeting new people in strange restaurants and bars. The fact that people would spot me at a bus stop or just in the library and ask for my number was so new and strange. I feel that because I've spent a lot less time looking down at my phone and actually looking up, taking in the world around me, I'm actually allowing these opportunities to approach me and not just pass me by unheard or unseen. Admittedly, people asking me for my number was a huge confidence boost, as I was not changing myself for anybody, just being myself at the time. That's so cool!

But what happens when you encounter someone who looks, walks, and worst of all, talks like the gas-lighter from your past?

I couldn't even describe how similar they were. Same face, haircut, taste in music, style of clothing. Freaky or what? He asked me on a date and I felt like I couldn't say no. What was my excuse? "Sorry, no, you look like my abusive ex?" Awkward! So I went on this date and, just like clockwork, the minute he felt like I wasn't overly keen, the sob stories and emotional manipulation started.

Daters! Attention! X-factor sob story tactics are not appropriate for uses in the dating world. CUT IT OUT!

We get it. Everyone has had a past. You might be having a difficult time emotionally in the present, but if you use this to control the decisions of your desired partner, you will not be part of their future!

Here are some of the tactics used in everyday dating situations I myself have experienced and this is the effect they have.

1. "Girls just don't like me." Come on. That isn't true, otherwise you two wouldn't be on a date in the first place. Stop looking at things like a pity favor and just appreciate the moment! Remember, confidence is attractive. The more you put yourself down just tells your date how much work you are going to be to drag back up. It scares people off! I'm not saying don't be yourself, but be the version of yourself you want to be; the funny, kind, confident, and sweet person who is more likely to be asked on a second date than the pessimist who uses a line like this.
2. "I don't usually waste my time with people who I think will waste my time." Not only is that pessimistic factor creeping back in with this statement, but also you are putting some serious pressure on your date to "not waste your time" or in other words "do you like me or not, because if not I give up." Woah! Pressure alert! Dating is supposed to be fun. It's about meeting new, interesting people, maybe find someone you like or maybe not. Don't expect to meet the love of your life on your first ever date! And don't put pressure on your date to be your future companion either. That will send them running and then you'll never know. You have to relax, stop forcing things and let that connection spark naturally. More often than not people need more time to decide how they feel about a person, you try and rush that process you'll cause a freak out- #beenthere.
3. "I hate it when girls mug me off on dates." Um, okay. Let's take a step back. Guys and girls, all like, if you really don't mind paying the bill, then pay it, but don't then give off snide comments about spending money on an evening that maybe didn't end up like you planned. Chill out, otherwise there will not be a date number two. I personally always offer to split the bill, whether they take that on board or not doesn't bother me as long as they themselves are happy with the decision. However, what I do not appreciate is the "guilt trip" that comes with this should you decide that you don't want to see this person again. This can be in spoken or texting form, or even on their stories on snapchat or vague captions on Instagram. For me, this is a basic sign that this person is not ready to date, and they are definitely not mature enough to handle what a relationship would entail emotionally.

Those are just a few. But everybody just chill out. Remember that you are looking for a friend above anything else, so don't disrespect anybody this way on your dates and it should go swimmingly. Stop setting goals for what you want to happen on these dates, take the pressure off, and just have fun! There is no time like the present, so live in it, and stop fretting about the future. People who use these tactics on dates probably aren't even aware that they are doing this, but it is slight gas-lighter behavior, so please just be wary should you be wanting to take this relationship further. If this behavior persists, look for help with hotlines, councilors, family, and friends. You are not alone.

Hope you guys enjoyed the article. Will be back again soon with more.

I'd like to personally reach out to you guys. If you are struggling with any experiences of gas-lighting or emotional abuse in relationships, you can always contact my business Instagram @justwingit.kim and talk to me via PM. Don't be afraid to speak out. There is a whole community unseen but affected by this. All you need to do is ask, and help will come.

Best wishes

@justwingit.kim x