Getting Out of a Domestic Violence Relationship

Getting out of a domestically violent relationship is the hardest part of the relationship. So many factors come into play. Where are you going to go, or how are you going to get the abuser out? There are usually children involved. What will happen to them? How do you make sure he/she can’t hurt you once you are apart?

When I left my abusive husband in May of 2004 after a five year off and on relationship, I was terrified, but I knew about six months before this that if I didn’t get out soon, I would be dead, or he would be, or worse, one of the kids would be. I started making plans in January to leave him.

The biggest and scariest step is telling someone what is going on. You need to get a support system in place of people you trust and that love you. It is very hard to leave on your own. I had my mom and best friend help me, and I knew if I had to get somewhere safe in an emergency, I knew one of these two would be behind me.

Next, you should somehow save some money back. Open an account at a bank that your abuser will not know about, or if you trust someone close to you, have him/her put money up for you. Every chance you get, put money away. This will give you a net to fall back on when you get out, or get your abuser out of the house. You will need to buy food, pay some bills/rent, maybe even need money for transportation.

Check with your landlord about having your name taken off the lease if you will be leaving. This way, if your abuser moves out after you do without paying rent, or takes his/her name off the lease, you won’t be stuck with an eviction on your record, which will complicate your hunt for a new place to live in the future.

Try to secure a place to stay as soon as you can. There are some shelters that will take you in the day you call, if you and your children are in immediate danger like the YWCA. Call before you show up on the doorstep if possible. The route I took was obtaining a restraining order. I had two young children, and I was the one scraping the pot paying the bills and feeding the kids. I felt that since he was the one causing the disturbance in the house, he should be the one to leave, not me and my kids. Check with a police officer for the procedure you should follow to get a restraining order. Where I live, there is no charge to file one. I went before a magistrate within two hours of filing mine, told my story, and was reassured that a county police officer would be there within 24 hours to remove my husband from the apartment.

Even though your situation may seem hopeless, there is more help out there than you realize. Don’t be afraid to ask. There are lots of resources on the internet with phone numbers that you can call to find resources in your area.

Here are some of those resources:

The National Coalition Against Domestic Violence (NCADV)

The National Domestic Violence Hotline