Girl in the Snowglobe

I feel raw, exposed, and numb. I told him I loved him and he smiled and walked away. I thought that saying it would let me heal but I feel like the wound just reopened, the raw skin and muscle exposed to the cold, frigid air, my warm blood pouring out and staining the white snow that sits around me a now dark crimson. I fall down, curling into a ball, wanting to shrink into nothing. My world flips upside down and I'm turned inside out.

I want to cry but the tears won't come, not for him. NO! I won't fall apart just because he didn't say it back. I dread the moment I see him again because it will happen eventually.

Can I breathe? Am I relieved? Why, then, do I continue to bleed? I tremble and regret those words. I lay on the ground alone as snow falls, slowly burying me. What I wouldn't give to feel your warmth. You could melt the snow away and make me smile again.

I look around. My fake house and fake trees and fake life are only feet away but if I try to move, they will move again.

I shake in my place or maybe it's the world that's shaking. The crystal sky above me is captivating and eternally the same. I wish your face was the last thing I saw. The snow continues to fall, burying me. I welcome this icy tomb. I wait for sleep to take me but it doesn't come and the snow stops falling. I don't know what's real now.

I lay on this red circle on the plain white snowy ground made by the pool of my shed crimson tears. I hate what you do to me. But I love you too. You are my drug, my addiction, my obsession, and I bear it with pride. Every moment with you I cherished. I love your hair, smile, laugh, and your beautiful blue eyes that I would gladly drown in. What I wouldn't give to see them again. I was a fool for not telling you before. Maybe then things would have been different. I ache to hear your laugh and see your bright smile for you to speak my name with the same burning love that I feel for you. I would relish in the touch that you'd give me. Holding me when the world was ruining me—I wish you would do that again. Why did you have to be so irresistible? So perfect? But out of reach.

I open my eyes and I see you there feet away. I want to reach out and touch you but I know the moment I do that, you will disappear. You're so far away that if I didn't dream of you I might forget your face. If your voice didn't haunt me then I might forget the sound. Your name a lingering sensation that dangles on my lips. Your scent burned into my mind and your name etched into my soul.

I love you. I have always and may always love you. I will bear this pain of knowing you will never be mine. Your perfection, kindness, beauty, and magic will forever remain out of my reach.

I grasp on the memories I have of you and try to relive them. But I'm trapped in the prison of life. Like a girl in a snow globe drowning in snow, I wait forever for your love that will never come. Dreams are sugar coated lies. Fantasies are the cruel purgatory I've fallen into, impossible to escape. Desires are the product of false hope and a naive mind.

Forever I lay here drowning alive in the snowglobe life I live and you are the one who comes and shakes it, causing disaster and chaos that always ends the same. Pain.