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Goodbye

'Tis better to have loved and lost than never to have loved at all - Alfred Lord Tennyson

By Rachael WilliamsonPublished 6 years ago 4 min read
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I've been thinking. I've been thinking a lot. It's been almost a month since we said goodbye, and we haven't spoken since; maybe we never will.

It fills me with joy to say that I do not hate you, to say that I still love you. I still love that beautiful person that made me fall for them in the beginning, and I still love the cruel person that made me want to forget the beginning ever existed. Except, I'm not in love with you anymore, I just feel a deep sense of affection for the person that affected myself in such a way.

You taught me things about myself; I have grown more in these last few weeks than I ever have in my life. You violently and emotionlessly tore me down. You made tears burn my cheeks almost every day. You made me feel worthless and stupid and like I did not matter to you; but I know none of that is true, I always did. Yet, most of all, you taught me to know when to give up on something if it's just not for me, however much I might wish it could be.

I know you never intended to hurt me and that you would never want to. I saw your heart breaking every time I cried, every time my pain was visible to you. But when we were apart it was easy to hurt me because you'd never have to see it. You'd never call, you probably couldn't bear to hear the effects of your actions. You were scared, but if you can't face up to it, then why act in that way?

I never tried to hurt you, I always did the opposite. Through everything I never mistreated you, I never spoke out or argued. I was your friend, your lover, your family, right up until the end, and I pride myself on my patience, for holding on so long to try and make it work. But sometimes even the strongest person has to give up, and I gave up.

In the end you brought me nothing. You broke down everything we had in common until there was nothing left but the burnt out ashes of times gone by. My every achievement was never enough to impress you, or make you see my worth. Every happy moment I experienced was ripped apart by two, three unhappy moments that you would bring about with your emotional immaturity. People got sick of hearing me sobbing and screaming into my pillow, stained by the mascara that would run off my eyelashes every time you'd finally get back to me hours after I tried to say hello.

For the first time, I know it's over and I am happy it's over. You were my best friend, and I thought it would devastate me to lose you, but you were gone a long time ago. I lost my partner, but I also lost the person I was in love with, and I've been grieving him for longer than I care to admit. I realized you weren't there anymore, that if we stayed together I would forever feel the loneliness that consumed my every action and my every thought, but I was too scared to say "good riddance". I was too scared to feel alone in a different sense. To never hear your voice again, to never make you smile again, to never hug you again, kiss you again. I was scared for that to be over, but I realized that there will be someone out there who longs to hear my voice, who will make me smile and won't be able to let go of me whenever he holds me. For the first time in a long time, I am excited for what this new chapter holds for me, and I am not in the least bit scared.

It brings me peace to look back on our happy memories fondly, without sadness or regret. I remember the way you used to run your fingers through my hair and make my entire body simmer. I remember the shape of your eyes. I remember how your hair looked when you'd get out of the shower. I remember the way you looked at me the first time you really held me. I remember the first night we fell asleep together and woke up at dawn when I had to go.

I am grateful to have known you, and to maybe have a chance to get to know you again when the time is right.

I think you were hoping for something too. Something that both you and I knew didn't exist anymore. But I remember every honest moment we shared together, up until the very last one. I'll never forget.

For me, it was always real, and I pray it was for you too.

With all the love in the world and in my heart,

Goodbye.

breakups
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About the Creator

Rachael Williamson

I am an avid reader and writer and a recent modern languages graduate looking to explore my writing and share my love of literature and life with others.

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