Goodbye 2018

I once read: “Tip of the day: When you look back in 2018, don’t think of it as a year of pain but a year of growth. You made it through each day. You should be proud of yourself. You are a better you, despite all the hardships. Take a deep breath and enter 2019 with hope and confidence."

This is all fine in theory, however in the midst of it all, looking back at 2018, I've been through a lot. Everyone's definition of "a lot" is different, by a lot, I mean, different. I don't do very well with changes and every time I get used to the new changes, life plays nasty, hurtful tricks on me and I get right back lower than I was before. I've grown a lot this year. Being a mom of 2 young kids (3 if you count my boyfriend) going to College full-time and juggling life certainly took it's toll on me.

See...

My grandmother passed away 6 days before my daughter was born last year. So, this year was a full year of 1st without her and it hurt to know she would never have met my spunky, sassy young lady. My relationship took some very rocky roads, where the "red flags" should've never been ignored but I (of course) ignored them, but we sat down, came up to an agreement and now life is moving a bit better. Back in October I lost my grandfather. I held his hand and sang to him while he took his last breath. My dad lost both his parents in the span of 21 months. My heart breaks for him everyday. I try to be strong, but it's hard sometimes. I broke down on Boxing Day because Christmas Morning traditions were ruined by them being gone. My brain goes selfish sometimes, everyone says that's okay because it's me grieving. But that's how I see 2018. I see it as a year of "firsts without grandma" & "grandpa's death". I have to believe that 2019 will be better to me. I have to believe that I will graduate College and my kids will be so proud of my accomplishments. I hope I inspire them to be great. To be better. To be their best, like I'm being mine. Taking one breath at a time and one step into 2019. It's right around the corner, literally.

I decided that in the midst of all the pain, I'll still find hope. I'll still dream and achieve everything I want to because that's what my kids depend on, that's what my grandparents would've wanted for me. That's what everybody in my life is wishing for me. I hope that whatever it is you are fighting, I hope that when the clock countdown on New Years Eve, you wish all that pain away. For one minute breath. New Year, Goodbye 2018.