Grief... the Monster Taming Begins

Grief is a monster. It all relates to a death. Physical, spiritual, emotional. A piece of you dies with each loss. A break up with a person you dated may carry the same weight for you as another person losing their partner to death. It all depends on what you’ve invested in that entity. It is incomprehensible… grief is. Unimaginable, unexplainable, perhaps even unbelievable… but not unresolvable.

There are words out there that can help your mind wrap around your heart and help your heart heal, but remember always... just like a physical scar left behind from a physical wound... your heart, mind and soul will carry this scar. What does healing mean? Similar to a physical scar at first red and angry and painful. Very painful. Then as you begin to accept the new realities... the scar begins to settle, is less painful. However, a memory can bump it... reminding you, always, it is there. Reminding you of the pain. Over time and with work on peace and acceptance the pain becomes more a remembered emotion rather than a fresh bleeding wound. Even then, any trigger can reopen the wound causing you to feel the rawness all over again.

The toughest part, I think, is everyone else’s expectations... the canned phrases... give it time... you’ll get over this... it will get easier... I’m so sorry... aren’t you over it yet?... Why can’t you just move on? The truth is the you who was, before the loss, will never move on. The innocence is lost. “It” has happened and can’t be undone. Like a child accomplishing a never before tackled task, this new you evolves. The new you will move forward. You will find a new normal. The gaping hole will slowly be replaced with a deep soulful well of memories. You will sit by the well and cry. You will laugh. You will find joy again in the little rhythms of life. The sun coming up and down, the moon hanging in the sky, a phone call from a friend, trips to the grocery store, slowly. At YOUR pace. In your time. The old days are forever gone. You are not. Remember that. Do not allow other people thoughts, comments and expectations to govern you in any way. Easy to say... very tough to do. I have friends who got another pet the next day, I have friends who never got another pet. I have friends who looked for companionship quickly and others that 20 years later have not had the desire for that particular type of relationship again. Each one made the decision right for themselves. You do what is right for you.

“The part of me that’s you will never die” lyrics from the song "I’ll Always Remember Us This Way,” this is true. You are a soul, you have a body. When the body (or the relationship or the pet) dies, the piece of you that held their soul continues on as a part of you forever. When something ends, the essence continues. Different, definitely not the same, but continues. Remember that. The piece of you that holds that soul will never forget. Hopefully you will find peace within that process. Peace that the essence is still of value AND it’s ok to move on into a different being without the physical presence of the soul. There is no timeline, no “get over it.” It’s your peace, it will come when you are ready. Until then. You watch the sun come up and go down. You keep living, go to the grocery store, pet a friend's puppy, hug someone you love. Your heart and mind recognize the steps necessary for life and recognizes your effort. New patterns erupt. One step at a time. And sometimes, today, you just watch the sun go down. Knowing, deep down, it will come back up in the morning. And for today, that is enough.