Halloween x3

It is so difficult to write about certain thing. Like, why can’t people just get in my head and listen to my thoughts without me doing anything? Then again, they might get lost in my head… A lot of crazy shit goes on and sometimes (most of the time) even I can’t decipher it. A fourth of me wants to blame my anxiety/depression/whatever else my psychiatrist diagnosed me with. Another fourth wants to blame myself because, well… it is my fault. The other part doesn’t even want to think about anything really, but that’s nearly impossible and the last part is kind of… well, it's there. Did I do math right? Well, the point is there are a lot of sections that want to do different things. If starting a journal entry is a headache, how the hell am I supposed to explain my life? Let me go down memory lane about three years ago all the way up until today (October 3, 2018).

October 2015

After getting into the millionth fight with my (at-the-time) husband, I drove about 2-and-a-half hours to a pumpkin patch to see my family. By family, I mean my nieces and nephew; though the whole gang was there, I really only drove for them. They are truly the light of my life. Anyway, I can’t even remember what the fight was about. I just know I was so mad and done that I took my ring off. That actually happened a lot, now that I think of it. So I was there taking pictures with my family (all of them, this time… not just my nieces and nephew) and playing games. My husband appeared and, well, we got over whatever it was.

October 2016

Another Halloween with my husband… but fortunately for me it was the last. We had about 1,000,000,000 more arguments by this time. I'm telling you, this marriage was doomed from the beginning. Maybe it's because I knew him for as long as I dated him (eight months). Here’s my brain working again… If I knew him for longer would I have really noticed that he could be abusive once we got married? I don’t know. Nobody actually really knows. I didn’t realize he was abusive until after filing for divorce and even then I was in denial. He didn’t punch me or anything… That would be like a wake-up call for me the second he did. No, he just shoved me against walls, yelled at me, made me feel like everything was my fault, forbid me from speaking to my best friend, made me feel guilty for wanting to visit my family, blocked the doorway so I couldn’t leave, and threatened to ruin my face and career (this was the last straw). I remember him telling me I would be alone forever because nobody was going to put up with my shit. “My shit” was me getting diagnosed with all the psychiatric problems. I had various episodes of me hurting myself. I can only recall ever attempting to actually end my life once. I had more than the amount of pills I was supposed to… and yet I woke up in the morning. My body was like, "Nahh, you need more than that if you wanna die."

October 2017

Officially divorced (yay).

Don’t judge… but I have been talking/dating/boning this guy for less than a year. We started at the end of November/beginning of December. It didn’t take much time for me to heal after that stupid marriage, but that’s because I was over it after I said, “I do.”

I think I fall way too fast for people. I fell for this dude immediately. Maybe it was because he wasn’t an asshole, and give me credit because I knew him for almost two years before we started dating. We were in similar situations, but I think his was worse. We were both going through a divorce by the time we started talking and it was really nice to talk to someone who understood that we were with assholes. Anyway, his wife (at the time) had told him she never loved him and it was all post-partum depression… like what? It took this bitch like more than a year to figure that out? Whatever.

So me and this dude and his daughter became a little family. It was amazing. I never thought I would care for someone’s child as much as I did with her. Yeah, I hated her mother, but it wasn’t the child’s fault her mother was a cunt. I didn’t hate the bitch because she married the dude first. I hated her because she was a horrible person. She gave up custody of her first child because her boyfriend didn’t like him. She ended up giving up custody of her daughter, too. She also would text the dude telling him she missed him when she had a boyfriend. Like what??? Yeah, she was horrible and filled with drama.

So, back to my little family with the dude and his cute daughter. We spent time at Disneyland and she loved it. We also went to a pumpkin patch and that was fun, too.

October 2018

Sadly, but happily, but confusedly, things didn’t work out with my little family. There was too much drama with the bitch and I didn’t want to deal with it. I couldn’t get over the fact that she had such a grasp on him. She would threaten to take his daughter away if I was around and more bullshit. I also didn’t feel complete. I wanted to experience things. I began to feel guilty for going out to the bars while my little family was at home. That is something I should have accepted getting into the relationship; I thought I did, but it turned out I actually did not. This breakup was the hardest (granted, I only had like two before this). Getting divorced was much easier on my emotions—not so much on my wallet. I wasn’t only breaking up with the dude, I was leaving his daughter, the little girl I treated as if she were my own. We said goodbye about a million times, and I swore we would be together again. I thought the timing was off and I wasn’t completely done growing as a person. I tried to grow as a person while in the relationship but that was nearly impossible.

After being broken up for a little, I began finding myself. I felt good. I felt free. I still yearned for the times that I could have had with my little family, but things changed. The dude changed, in a good way. He is genuinely happier, maybe because that cunt is no longer grasping on to him, and maybe because he doesn’t have to worry about me out in bars and just not being there for him. He doesn’t have to worry about me flipping my shit when the cunt is texting him a thousand times when it has nothing to do with their child. He is happier and that’s good. I am happier and that is also good. This Halloween I will be going to the pumpkin patch with my current boyfriend (maybe future husband… way, way future).